


bouquet of thistles

by rainclouded



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Internalized Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 56,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainclouded/pseuds/rainclouded
Summary: Lisa's chance meeting with Sayo in the library over summer break ends up driving both of their lives in a direction neither of them could possibly have anticipated. An AU in which Roselia doesn't form and Sayo and Lisa meet for the first time during their second year of high school under very different circumstances.
Relationships: Hikawa Sayo/Imai Lisa
Comments: 146
Kudos: 276





	1. Girl in the Library

**Author's Note:**

> I've tried not to arbitrarily change too many things from the original setting here, but there are definitely a handful of obvious things I messed with to try and write the kind of story I wanted to write and focus on the character conflicts I thought were interesting. Hopefully these choices eventually make sense, and, most importantly, I hope the characters feel true to themselves.

Even more than usual, today's Yukina was radiant. Of course, Lisa had heard her sing countless times before, but the difference between hearing her voice in the quiet confines of Lisa's bedroom and hearing it here, in the midst of an excited crowd, was night and day. It was as though there was an endless positive feedback loop between Yukina and the audience, with her music prompting louder and louder cheers she then turned into fuel for her performance, her flame burning brighter and brighter. At school, Lisa felt as though a lot of students interpreted Yukina's utter lack of interest in socializing or academics as reflective of a kind of general malaise, but watching her on the stage it was obvious that couldn't be further from the truth. Yukina's every triumphant gesture, every passionately delivered lyric, seared themselves into Lisa's heart. A thought flickered through her head, unbidden.

_So this is what people mean when they say someone is born to be a star…_

After what felt like simultaneously an eternity and no time at all, the concert came to an end, with Yukina smiling one last fierce, almost prideful smile at the crowd. Lisa's elevated heartbeat gradually began to slow down, and, for the first time since Yukina had begun singing, glanced to her right.

"What'd you think? Sayo."

"It was impressive. I can't deny that." Sayo's voice was calm, but the intensity with which her gaze followed Yukina as she left the stage told no lies. It was a different kind of intensity than the fastidiousness she brought to her studies, or the attachment she seemed to have to rules of all forms—something hotter and stronger. Or, because it was Sayo, perhaps it was better to say it was so cold it burned hot.

Regardless, almost by accident, Lisa seemed to have stumbled on the one thing that this girl really cared about.

The start of all this had come a couple of weeks beforehand, at the local library. When exams were close, or when students suddenly realized that the end of summer vacation was quickly approaching and they had homework to finish, the library could get a little hectic, but now, early in the summer, it was calm, only a few scattered studious individuals dotting the many tables. In this ideal environment for concentrating, Lisa figured she might as well get a head start on her summer homework for once in her life.

But after an hour or so of banging her head against math problems, she could feel a cloud of defeat starting to form over her head. The further she got in high school, the less sense all of this started to make. Her textbook's once-friendly-seeming numbers had started to arrange themselves in patterns that seemed purposely designed to resist being understood, at least by someone of Lisa's talents. Staring at the clock on the wall, she let out a faint sigh. It was still too early an hour to take a break and go eat lunch, but giving up here and going to do something else didn't exactly sit well with her either. Groaning slightly, she put her head down on her open textbook, her hair splaying out over the meticulously annotated graphs like so many curves she needed to find the area under.

It was at that point that she heard a voice from the other side of the table.

"Is everything all right?"

Lisa sat up abruptly, a wave of embarrassment washing over her for not realizing earlier that she wasn't alone. The person who'd called out to her was a girl who looked to be about the same age as Lisa was, her somewhat stern expression framed by long, slightly wavy blue-green hair. It was unclear from her voice whether she was expressing concern for Lisa or admonishing her.

"Oh, I'm fine! Just a little frustrated with my math homework, that's all." Lisa laughed awkwardly.

"I see." The girl shifted her gaze back to her books, and Lisa was about to do the same when something in the neatly transcribed notes laid out on the table across from her caught her eye.

"Hey, are you a high school second-year too? Do you know how to solve this kind of problem? I've been stuck on it for half an hour."

The girl blinked for a second, somewhat taken aback, and then spoke. "Certainly. What you have to do is—" She frowned, and then began to gather up her notes. "It'll be easier if I come over there."

Her explanation was thorough and precise, and Lisa quickly understood what she'd been missing.

"Thanks a lot! Still, though, even though it makes sense when you explain it, I don't know if I can reproduce that on a new problem…"

"It's an issue of practice. You can think of the set of formulas you have here as a toolbox; the more familiar you become with your tools, the better you'll know which situation to use which one in. It comes more naturally to some people than others, but fundamentally, the more you study, the better your results will be."

"You seem like a real good student! I wish I could be as diligent as you."

"…I just feel as though I might as well spend my time doing something productive, that's all." She seemed somewhat sheepish, as though unused to being praised for her work.

The explanation over, silence returned to the table, but the green-haired girl made no move to return to her previous seat.

Lisa made some effort to continue working out math problems, but quickly found her thoughts slipping elsewhere. She glanced at the girl next to her, who was studiously making her way through her textbook, a serious expression on her face. Through the library's large window, the sun reflected off of her hair in a way that somehow reminded Lisa of the ocean… but more than a sunny beach, the girl's aura conjured an image that was a little less openly warm and inviting. Like a moonlit night in winter, pretty to look at but cold and dark enough that one wouldn't want to stay too long. …Just thinking that made Lisa a little embarrassed.

"Did you need something else?" There was a somewhat quizzical look on the girl's face as she looked back in Lisa's direction, and Lisa abruptly realized she'd been absentmindedly staring.

"Oh, sorry! I was just, um, thinking about this problem here, because I feel like I did it right but the answer doesn't seem to be quite what I was supposed to get…" Lisa had the feeling her lie was more than a little obvious, but there was no way she could say what she'd really been thinking.

"Let me see." The girl leaned in, a clean but not overly sweet or girly fragrance wafting from her hair. As she carefully explained how Lisa had made a mistake in her application of the inverse cosine function, Lisa felt obligated to revise her earlier description. Describing this girl as warm and inviting still didn't feel exactly right, but if she was this willing to help out someone she'd just met, then there had to be some kindness hidden beneath her stern exterior.

Eventually Lisa glanced up at the clock once more and, after taking a moment to stretch her arms, began to gather her things. Tapping the green-haired girl on the shoulder, she spoke.

"I'm meeting up with some friends to go eat lunch, so I'm done with studying for now. Thanks a lot for helping me out!"

"I don't think I've done anything worth being thanked for. But I'm glad I was able to be of some use."

"Are you going to be here again on Wednesday?"

"It's likely."

"Well, then—sorry, what was your name? I'm Lisa, by the way."

"Hikawa Sayo."

"I'll see you then, Sayo!"

Sayo looked nonplussed, her brow wrinkling as though she was unsure of what to make of the situation. Then, finally, she nodded at Lisa and once more returned her focus to her work.

For a second, Lisa stopped and stared at her. The dust illuminated by the midday sunshine. The view of Sayo's serious (but still pretty) face in profile. The lock of hair falling into her face that she pushed back behind her ear.

It was picturesque enough that Lisa couldn't resist pulling out her phone and capturing it.

"Sayo, are there any kind of cookies you particularly like?"

Sayo glanced over in Lisa's direction and cocked her head to one side.

"Why do you ask?"

"I wanted to give you some, as a thanks for helping me out with math."

"I thought I said it wasn't worth being thanked for. Teaching math helps me understand the concepts better as well, so it's not as though I've done anything that merits you going out of your way."

Even as difficult as Yukina could be, giving her baked goods was usually a surefire way to improve her mood. Sayo, on the other hand, seemed as though she might be a trickier opponent.

"How about this, then: would you let me bake some cookies for you? Just for my own self-satisfaction."

Sayo's brow wrinkled again, and a perplexed expression Lisa was already getting used to seeing appeared on her face.

"You're an… unusual person. More so than I expected."

"You think so? I always thought of myself as pretty normal…" Normal parents, a normal house, a normal amount of friends, normal grades… there'd never been any real reason for Lisa to think of herself as the kind of person who stood out in any real way.

"I don't think a normal girl would go this far to engage with someone like me. But perhaps I'm not the best person to ask."

"You don't see yourself as normal?"

"I don't think it would be an accurate description, no. Not that that necessarily makes me an interesting person."

"I was kind of hoping you had some secret out-there hobby or something. Like skydiving."

"…Skydiving?"

"Well, what do you like, then? Everyone's got something they're passionate about, right? Even if it's just studying."

Sayo sighed. "I'm not sure passion is a word that really fits me. I don't hate studying, but I'm not sure I'd say I enjoy it either. Were I not obligated to do so, I don't know that this is how I would spend my time."

"How would you spend your time, then? I mean, when I'm free, I like reading fashion magazines and baking sweets and knitting. I don't know that I'd say I'm passionate about all of those things, but I still enjoy doing them."

"…If we're going to talk, it should be about something more productive." Lisa wasn't sure if she'd accidentally raised a touchy topic, or if Sayo simply didn't have any interest in making small talk with her.

But still, she couldn't stop herself from being curious. Sayo had to have something she truly cared about, right? Even though she was clearly a very good student, there was a certain awkwardness and formality to the way she talked about her studies that gave the impression she wasn't entirely in her element. As though there was a real Sayo hidden somewhere inside, in need of the right place and moment to be able to show her face.

Lisa's thoughts drifted to Yukina. Every time she heard her childhood friend sing, she felt like Yukina became, for that moment, the most Yukina she could be. If they hadn't heard her music, other people's conceptions of Yukina, no matter how much time they spent with her, couldn't help but be incomplete. Was Sayo that way too? Was Lisa missing the key element that would let her understand this girl who seemed to try her best to resist being understood?

And why, exactly, did Lisa care so much? Would it not have been just as easy to thank Sayo for her help and avoid digging any deeper? What prompted her to want to get to know a person she'd only met a few times and who seemed actively uninterested in getting close to other people?

Glancing over at Sayo again, she remembered the picture she'd surreptitiously taken the first day they'd met. In the moment she'd only thought about what a pretty scene it made, but when looking at the picture again it had seemed to exude a faint loneliness, as though the vast empty space of the library was too heavy a weight for the girl at its center. It wasn't _obvious_ , exactly, but every once in a while that same loneliness seeped in from the corners of Sayo's sentences, giving them a slightly bitter aftertaste.

To put it simply, Lisa didn't want to see Sayo look like that. People said that her inability to leave people alone was both one of her good and bad traits; at best, a helping hand extended to someone in need, at worst a step too far into affairs that were none of her business. It was too early to say whether pushing herself into Sayo's life would end up being the former or the latter, but Lisa wasn't the type of person to give up without trying.

For now, she thought, it was best to just think of it like this: Sayo's helped me out with studying, so it's only fair that I return some of that kindness. Whatever form that return may take.

"How were the cookies?" Lisa asked, trying not to seem too eager to hear Sayo's response. It was the second week of summer vacation now, and the two of them meeting in the library had become something of a routine, but she still felt vaguely on edge around Sayo, as though saying the wrong thing might derail their burgeoning friendship.

"They were good. I don't know that I've ever had anyone bake homemade sweets for me before." Sayo's inflection was more or less the same as it always was, but just the fact that she'd accepted and eaten the cookies put Lisa in a good mood.

"You'll have to tell me what kinds you like for the next time. The person I usually make them for really likes sweet stuff, so I always put in a lot of sugar, but I don't know if that's your kind of thing…"

"You've already decided that there's going to be a next time, I see."

"Ah, no, well, I mean, I'd like to make cookies for you again but that's only if you're okay with it—" Lisa hurriedly tried to explain herself, then took a look at Sayo's face and stopped.

For the first time since they'd met, Sayo was smiling, the corners of her mouth turned up in amusement. Upon seeing that expression, Lisa felt a wave of relief wash over her. It was always hard to shake the feeling, both with Sayo and many other people in her life, that she cared more about their friendship than the other side did. So seeing Sayo smile at her was the kind of tangible sign she'd hoped for.

_It isn't just me who enjoys this time together_.

If that was true, then maybe, just maybe, it was okay to push a little harder.

"By the way, Sayo. Next week one of my friends is having a concert, so I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go together…"

"A concert?"

"She's really talented! Like, people in the industry say that she could pursue music as a career if she wanted to. It'll be worth your while, I promise."

"…I'll think about it." Sayo's expression was unreadable.

"I'll message you the details, so if you feel like coming, just let me know. I'm more or less done with my summer homework by this point, so I'm not sure how often I'll be coming to the library, but I'd feel bad if I just never saw you again, you know?"

"Because you've gotten used to having someone help you out with math?"

Sayo's tone was light, but there was something about it that rubbed Lisa the wrong way.

"You're not very good at jokes, you know. Is it so weird to think that I might enjoy your company?"

Sayo's eyes opened wide for a second, and then turned downwards, that vague sadness Lisa had seen before showing its face once again.

"Sorry. I'm glad you enjoy talking to me. I didn't mean to suggest that you had ulterior motives."

At Sayo's response Lisa immediately felt her chest tighten. She'd asked the question as though the answer were an obvious "yes," but for Sayo, the answer might not necessarily…

She didn't want to think about the rest.

"Oh, no, it's fine. I didn't mean to get upset. Well, if you really want proof I don't have ulterior motives, then maybe you should come to the concert? No math there, I promise."

Lisa wasn't sure if the grin she'd put on was at all convincing, but a smile briefly flashed across Sayo's face.

"If I feel like it."

"Is it really okay to leave without saying anything to her?" Sayo asked, sounding a little bit regretful. "At the very least, I want to tell her that I enjoyed her performance. In particular, her choices of songs to cover were all very good. In the past, I've heard covers that seemed to misunderstand what made the original song effective in the first place, but that wasn't the case at all here."

"You really got into it, didn't you, Sayo?" Lisa laughed. "But, well, even though it's true that we've been friends since we were kids, lately… we haven't really been talking too much. She's just been really focused on music. To the point where it seems like she feels like socializing with anyone who isn't going to help her music goals is a waste of time. So… it's probably better if we don't go talk to her. I don't think it'd go well."

"…I see."

"Um, anyway! Did you want to go somewhere after this? Like, to get something to eat? I'm in the mood to talk a little bit more, if you want to," Lisa said, doing her best to steer the conversation away from the heavy direction it seemed to be taking.

Sayo's grave expression lightened somewhat, and she nodded. "That might be nice."

"Your house has a very relaxing atmosphere." Staring vaguely at the various posters on the walls, Sayo was reclining against Lisa's bed, a cup of tea in her hand.

"Does it? I'm happy to hear that! It's, uh, been a while since anyone came over here." To be honest, Lisa's house would not have been her first choice of places to rest and talk, but Sayo had balked at going to a fast food place and it was a little bit too warm to sit outside somewhere, so this was what they'd settled on.

"So, your friend whose performance we just went to lives in the house next door?" Sayo's voice was hesitant, as though she was gauging Lisa's response.

…Despite her occasional bluntness, she really was a nice person, wasn't she. But it was fine. Lisa wasn't so weak of a person that she needed other people to be that considerate of her.

"Yep! Her room's right out that window there. When you think about it, it's pretty lucky, isn't it? Having one of your closest friends live right next door to you. Plus, I've gotten to spend a lot of time listening to her practice singing over the years… it gives you a kind of feeling of superiority, you know, being able to monopolize someone who's in high demand like she is."

Sayo smiled lightly and took a sip of her tea. "After seeing her concert the other day, I can see how you'd feel that way. It almost made me want to play guitar again."

"Right?" Lisa said, smiling back. Then, after a second, "Wait, you played guitar?" The sudden arrival of unexpected information left her taken aback, but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. The reason why Sayo had accepted Lisa's invitation to the concert. The excitement that still lingered, faintly, in her normally relaxed mannerisms.

"I did, yes, but it's all in the past now. I don't have any interest in dredging it up again." Sayo grimaced, as though regretting having brought up the topic in the first place. But the wave of Lisa's curiosity wasn't about to ebb quite so easily.

"You can't just casually say something like that and expect me to just let it go! Just imagining the thought of you playing guitar is making me really want to see it."

"Unfortunately, I'm nowhere near as good as your friend was earlier. Considering how out of practice I am, it would likely be a disappointing experience."

Lisa puffed out her cheeks in annoyance. "I'm not asking you to be as good as Yukina. We talked about it before, right? I'm interested in learning more about your hobbies and passions and stuff because it's you, not because I'm trying to hunt down world-class guitarists. Isn't that normal for friends?"

Sayo looked somewhat taken aback, then sighed. "It would be hard to call playing the guitar a passion or a hobby. I told you before that I'm not an interesting enough person to have things like that."

"Well, then, what made you start playing guitar in the first place?" Lisa knew full well that asking this much was obnoxious, but she couldn't shake her suspicion that there was more to the story than what Sayo was telling her. Someone who was that invested in Yukina's concert, to the point where she knew all of the songs Yukina was singing, had no real interest in music? Something just didn't quite add up.

"In middle school, one of my upperclassmen in the kyudo club played as a hobby, so I picked it up from her. We practiced together fairly regularly for about two years, and then she graduated and the amount of time we had to see each other decreased, so I just naturally lost interest in playing. That's all."

"…Oh." Lisa suddenly felt a surge of guilt, as though she'd crossed a line she shouldn't have crossed by asking.

"You don't need to feel bad about it. Like I said, it was hardly a passion of mine, so quitting was surprisingly painless. Nothing can last forever." She smiled at Lisa, seemingly wanting to project a carefree aura.

It didn't work.

That blunt attitude she shared with Yukina, the way she had a tendency to say things straight out without sugarcoating them at all—Sayo was nothing if not straightforward.

Which meant that it was real obvious when she was lying.

"If it was so painless to quit playing the guitar, then surely you have no serious objection to playing it again, right?"

If Sayo was going to stick to this story of hers, then Lisa was going to play right along with it.

"You… could say that, yes." She sighed. "Every time I talk to you it drives home just how stubborn you are. Do you really want to see me play that badly?"

_You're quite the stubborn girl yourself._ "Please?"

"…If it's just one time, then, I suppose I could bring it out of retirement."

Lisa leaned against Sayo, their shoulders bumping against each other. "Thanks a lot, Sayo. I feel a little bad for shoving some sort of selfish request on you every time we talk, but you're always so nice to me it makes me want to ask for more."

Sayo turned toward Lisa, a faint look of surprise appearing on her face before quickly shifting into a deep sigh. "Rather than nice, I would say I'm just easily bribed by homemade sweets. Try not to think too highly of me."

Lisa laughed. "Well then, I'll just have to keep making more so that you stay around, won't I?"

"I'm getting the feeling I told you something I shouldn't have," Sayo responded, smiling, and Lisa felt her chest filling with an indescribable warmth. Compared to Sayo's earlier strained smile, this one was infinitely kinder and more gentle, the sort of smile that seemed like it would make any of Sayo's classmates who saw it instantly change their opinion of her.

Of all the faces Lisa had seen Sayo make, this one definitely suited her the best.

By the time Lisa realized the doorbell had rung, the door to her house was already open. Running over to the stairs, she looked down towards the entranceway, where Sayo was making a shallow bow, the tall black guitar case on her back leaning with her as she did so.

"Hikawa Sayo. It's nice to meet you, ma'am."

"Lisa never really brings friends over these days, so I'm always curious to see who she's been getting along with. Do you have time to stay for dinner? We'd love to have you!" Lisa's mother's smile exuded warmth and friendliness, but also somehow a feeling of pressure.

There was a brief pause before Sayo responded, which Lisa took as her opportunity to butt in.

"Mom! Don't try and force Sayo into doing anything she doesn't want to do."

Lisa's mother flashed an innocent smile at her, then turned back to Sayo. "Well, I suppose it's no good to delay you for too long. We'll have to find another time to talk some more."

Then, in a voice low enough so as to be inaudible to Lisa, she whispered something else into Sayo's ear. Sayo nodded imperceptibly, her cheeks faintly tinged with red, and then took Lisa's outstretched hand and began to ascend the stairs.

The thought of Sayo and her mother talking about something secret filled Lisa with curiosity and mild frustration, but she shoved those feelings to the side, tightening her grip on Sayo's hand.

"Sorry about my mom. She can, uh, be a little pushy sometimes, so you don't have to stay here for dinner if you don't feel like it. Though I guess maybe I shouldn't be talking about people being pushy." She laughed awkwardly.

"She seems like a nice woman. Like I said before, your house is an easy place to relax in."

"You're welcome to come over as much as you like, then!"

The two of them reached Lisa's bedroom, and Sayo set down both her guitar and the small amp she'd been carrying, rubbing her shoulders as she did so.

"It's been a while since I've carried all of this equipment around, so I'm no longer used to the weight."

"I felt like seeing you carrying a guitar around really suited you, though! Just one look at you and it's like oh, this girl really has the musician vibe, you know what I mean?"

Sayo furrowed her brow for a second, seemingly unsure of how to respond.

"…Thank you?" she said, finally.

Lisa burst out laughing, which only made the wrinkles on Sayo's forehead deepen.

"Anyway," she coughed, "did you have anything in particular you wanted to hear me play?"

"Hmm…" Lisa thought for a second. "I'm not as knowledgeable about these kinds of things as you or Yukina are, so I'll leave it up to you."

"Understood." She'd said it had been a while since she last played, but the assured movements with which she tuned her guitar and adjusted the amp came across as anything but rusty. There was a kind of fastidiousness to her preparations that reminded Lisa very much of the thorough way she approached her schoolwork, and suddenly a conversation Lisa had had with Yukina's father when she was younger drifted back into her head. What was most important if you were going to be serious about music, he'd said, was dedication. More than talent, the keys to success were the ability to not get discouraged when things weren't going your way and to respond to criticism of your playing by improving the skills you were lacking in. After bearing witness to Sayo's meticulous studying methods, it was easy to imagine her as the kind of person who would play a single phrase a hundred times just to make completely sure that she had it correct.

"Are you ready?" Sayo ran her fingers over the strings one last time to make sure everything was in order, then glanced over at Lisa.

"Ah, yes! Go ahead." Despite it not being her who was playing, Lisa felt strangely nervous.

Sayo nodded, and her concert for an audience of one began.

Whenever Yukina sang, the word that always came to Lisa's mind to describe it was "pressure." Lisa, and presumably the other people who came to Yukina's concerts, enjoyed her performances precisely because they couldn't relate to them. Yukina's power to awe people into submission didn't feel like something that ordinary human beings could achieve, which was exactly what made her exciting to watch.

There was something about Sayo's guitar playing that echoed that. Both she and Yukina produced more distance than camaraderie through their performances; but rather than Yukina's overwhelming pressure, Sayo's dark blue guitar gave off an impression of isolation. She was as technically correct as Lisa had expected and also as lacking in warmth, the rose motif on her guitar's body inviting onlookers to admire its beauty while also warning them not to get too close lest they be pricked.

In a way, it was the Sayo Lisa knew. Convinced that her individual hard work, independent of anyone else's assistance, would lead to success. But that cold fire in her eyes, the same expression she'd made at Yukina's concert, was a new discovery. Something just felt _right_ about seeing Sayo like this, in a way that it never had when the two of them were studying together in the library. It was as though up until now the lens Lisa was using to view her had had Vaseline smeared around the edges and wouldn't quite focus.

But now, the image was finally sharp. This was, Lisa felt, as close to the real Hikawa Sayo as she'd yet seen. And for reasons Lisa was still unclear on, this guarded, proud lone wolf had let Lisa into her solitary world.

…From the start, that was the way it had been, hadn't it? As much as she might have grumbled about it, Sayo had never once rejected Lisa, even when Lisa's requests had bordered on unreasonable. And now, watching Sayo perform, seeing her lay bare what felt like a part of her true self… it seemed meaningful, somehow, in a way Lisa couldn't quite express with words.

She closed her eyes and listened to the clear, crisp sound of Sayo's guitar. In her mind, even the room they were in, with its various magazines and stuffed animals and cute decorations, ceased to exist, leaving just two vague people-shapes and a dark blue guitar. It would be hard to call the sound that resonated through her head calming or pleasant, but to Lisa it was nevertheless deeply alluring: a distillation of everything that had drawn her to Sayo in the first place, lonely yet attractive, strict yet gentle.

And upon hearing it, that stubborn, nosy, needlessly good-natured side that Sayo was so good at bringing out of her reared its head once more.

"It was really, really good, Sayo. I thought I was gonna cry by the end…!"

"Surely with someone like her living next door you've heard plenty of better performances."

Lisa thought for a second. "I mean, of course I like listening to Yukina sing, but if I had to pick… I'd say your performance just now was my favorite."

"Is… that so."

"There was just something special about it! …It really came across how much you care about playing guitar."

"I thought I told you that that wasn't the case." Sayo's tone sharpened, and the air temperature in the room suddenly dropped. In a normal situation, this would be where Lisa would stand down. Conflict was hardly her forte, and there was no guarantee that anything good would come of openly clashing with Sayo. And yet—maybe it was the lingering heat in her chest from hearing Sayo's performance—something spurred her on.

"You really are no good at lying, Sayo."

Sayo opened her eyes wide for a second, then her face contorted into a grimace. The vaguely nauseous feeling in the pit of Lisa's stomach suggested to her that this wasn't going to end well, but she'd passed the point of no return. "The only time I've seen you really, genuinely interested in something is when it has to do with music. I don't know what exactly happened with you quitting, but… are you sure you won't reconsider?"

Lisa looked up at Sayo pleadingly, but the other girl's gaze was cold and unfriendly. The passion that had been present in it during her performance was long gone, leaving only a bottomless iciness that seemed like it might form crystals in the air around her.

"I see now that I made an error in judgment. I should never have come here to play guitar—no, going to that concert in the first place was my real mistake." She placed a hand on her guitar case as though preparing to leave, sending a sudden wave of panic through Lisa.

"Let's, um, leave that question for later, then," she said, hurriedly trying to regain some control of the situation. "But when you stopped playing, it was because there was something painful that happened to you, right?"

Sayo said nothing.

"Sayo… it's okay to admit that you were hurt by something. It's not a sign of weakness." Lisa tried her best to sound soothing.

After what felt like an interminable silence, Sayo finally spoke.

"Even if what you said were true, what would I gain from telling people that? What few people there are close to me have not, historically, expressed much interest in listening to my problems. If I were doing something that embarrassed them, or caused my grades to drop, though, then they might pay attention." She laughed bitterly, and Lisa felt as though she'd been punched in the gut. All this time, she'd taken for granted that when she was sad, her mom would hug her and tell her that everything would be all right, or her dad would cook her a warm bowl of chikuzenni, or her friends would take her out to karaoke to cheer her up. Surely, having that kind of support was what had made her the kind of person she was today. To think that Sayo hadn't had anyone to reach out to when she was suffering… it was almost too painful to think about.

"What about me, then?" she asked, voice quiet.

"…I'm sorry?"

"If you don't have anyone who'll listen to your problems, then I will. I can't promise I can fix everything, but at the very least I can listen, and make cookies, and give you a hug if you want one. That's better than nothing, right?"

Lisa moved next to Sayo and laid a hand gently on her shoulder. Sayo's face was turned away from Lisa, at an angle where her expression was unreadable no matter how hard Lisa tried to peek at it.

"Sayo."

Slowly, gradually, as though it took her a great effort to do so, Sayo looked over in Lisa's direction.

"Why… are you going this far?" she asked, her voice clearly conflicted.

Lisa could understand why Sayo might be confused. Certainly, what Lisa was currently doing wasn't something most people would consider rational. But to her, the reason was so obvious as to be barely even worth asking.

"'Cause there's one thing I hate more than anything, and that's when my friends are sad!"

She flashed a smile in Sayo's direction, and gradually the cloudy expression on Sayo's face changed to a resigned, faint smile of her own. Resting her head on Lisa's shoulder, Sayo spoke in a quiet but heartfelt voice.

"…Thank you."

Lisa gently stroked Sayo's soft, blue-green hair in response, and, once again, felt her chest slowly filling up with warmth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> current mood: staring at that sayolisa marriage anthology and wishing it were easier/cheaper to buy doujinshi as someone who doesn't live in japan
> 
> i'd like to be able to write chapters of this regularly but given that i am both slow and likely to become very busy we'll just have to see what happens! next time: new characters, including one i've been looking forward to writing


	2. A Comfortable Warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this is a direct continuation of the last chapter.

"We had… an agreement of sorts." Sayo's voice came out hesitantly, in short bursts. "Because we were going to see less of each other once she was in high school, our weekly guitar practices would be our way of keeping in touch with each other. Certainly I…" She grimaced, as though it was physically painful to admit the truth she'd been hiding, then resumed speaking. "…enjoyed playing the guitar for its own sake, but what I enjoyed most was having someone to play with who I respected. As you're probably aware by this point, I'm not exactly the most sociable person, but it isn't as though I reject the idea of interacting with other people out of hand. She taught me a lot about school, about kyudo, about music… I felt as though what was between us was special. At the very least, that wouldn't be tested by something as simple as changing schools.

"But that was, of course, not the case. If I'd been smarter, I might have seen it coming. She was the one who'd started playing guitar first, but I was the one who practiced more; by the end, it seemed as though she'd lost interest in getting any better at music. Someone being kind to you, it turns out, doesn't mean you're important to them, no matter how much you might want that to be the case. After she graduated, we met up a couple of times… and then she started to become busy with studying, and club activities, and her friends—or maybe those were just polite excuses to avoid telling me directly she wasn't interested in meeting me—until, eventually, I realized that there would be no more playing guitar together. And if that was the case, then there was no real reason for me to practice guitar anymore, either."

The loneliness Lisa had felt emanating from the picture she'd taken at their first meeting was now fully visible on Sayo's face. As much as Lisa was happy that Sayo was being honest with her feelings, it still hurt to see her look like this.

"You must have really missed her, huh…"

"I suppose there's no real point in denying it now, is there. You know, concealing the ugly parts of my feelings was one of the things that made me invested in kyudo in the first place. The process of clearing your mind of all worldly worries and just thinking about yourself and the target was something I worked very hard to master, and especially in the last couple of years it's become a habit even outside of practice. But considering how you did such a good job of seeing right through me, I suppose I'm not quite as good at hiding my feelings as I thought I was."

"I don't think it's a bad thing to not be able to hide your feelings, Sayo. I mean, I think it's an admirable skill to be able to prevent your worries from affecting you doing something you really need to do, but that's just a temporary solution, right? You can't make your problems go away just by not thinking about them."

"Then what would you suggest I have done? Is there a way to 'fix' someone not caring about you as much as you do about them?"

Lisa bit her lip, unsure of what to say. Logically, she felt like her argument was correct, but at the same time, she was painfully aware of where Sayo was coming from. An uncharacteristic wave of bitterness welled up in her, and she did her best to shove it back down.

_If you do find a way, make sure to let me know._

Sayo sighed. "I'm sorry. There's no need to get upset at you." The two of them sat there in an uncomfortable silence for a short while, before Lisa abruptly stood up.

"I'll go get us some more tea."

Outside of her room, she heaved a sigh of her own. It was pretty clear that trying to win an argument against Sayo with logic wasn't going to go well. If that was the case, then what exactly was Lisa supposed to do? If things continued like this, she had an unpleasant feeling that Sayo would stay as she was now: solitary and lonely, with no one who she could truly rely on.

Lisa knew, as much as she might want to believe otherwise, that just telling Sayo to rely on her more wasn't enough to genuinely make it happen. Pouring a pair of cups of barley tea, she thought back to Sayo's smiling face from the other day. It had seemed, to Lisa, as though Sayo had been genuinely enjoying herself. And of course, that was true for Lisa as well.

…In the end, being subtle really wasn't Lisa's style, was it. If she wanted to come to an understanding with Sayo, then something more Lisa-like would be appropriate. She just had to hope that it came across more as friendly and cheerful than it did blunt and pushy.

Filled with new resolve, Lisa picked up the tray with the cups of tea on it with slightly more force than she'd meant to, then meekly set it back down and wiped up the tea that had sloshed out.

As soon as she reentered the room, Lisa sat down across from Sayo, her gaze firmly catching Sayo's.

"Sayo. I had something I wanted to ask you."

"What is it?"

"…Would you teach me how to play guitar?"

The blank stare Sayo gave her was, honestly, not undeserved, so Lisa felt obligated to explain herself. "Well, you know, we don't really have any points of connection, so it makes meeting naturally kind of hard… I thought that this might give us an opportunity to see each other more often."

"If that's the case, then wouldn't anything work as an excuse to meet? Why guitar in particular?" Sayo's voice wasn't quite as biting as it had been before, but there was still a sharp edge that reminded Lisa she had to be careful.

"I feel like there's something… special, about it, I guess?"

"Special?"

"When we went to watch Yukina, you felt it, right? She really shines on stage, in a way where she's almost too bright to look at. I always admired that about her, but it's kind of like she lives in a different world than ordinary people. I could never muster up the courage to actually start playing music with her, even when I had the chance.

"So when I saw your performance earlier, it made me think that maybe I could do things over. …It's not pity, or anything like that. I really do enjoy spending time with you, Sayo."

It wasn't a lie. Of course, Lisa wanted to do all she could to help Sayo, but rather than selfless kindness, there was something different pushing her to preserve her connection with Sayo at all costs. The word "fate" had a bit too serious of a ring to it, but nevertheless the way she'd so quickly connected with Sayo seemed... significant, sort of. At the very least, letting her and Sayo drift apart felt like a mistake.

Sayo's eyes were fixed on Lisa, her gaze oddly reminiscent of the way she looked when she was analyzing a particularly tricky math problem. Much like earlier, it seemed like Lisa's actions were challenging her rational-to-a-fault brain.

After pondering over Lisa's suggestion for an agonizingly long period of time, Sayo nodded sharply, her mind seemingly made up. "I accept. I'll practice guitar with you."

Lisa blinked in surprise, then hesitantly spoke. "Is it, um, really okay?"

"You're asking that even though you're the one who suggested it?" Sayo sounded faintly amused, which was infinitely preferable to her earlier bitterness.

"I… really, I don't want to push you into anything you don't want to do. If playing the guitar is painful for you, then it's not worth doing for my sake."

"You don't need to worry about that. Besides, it wouldn't sit right with me either for us to simply stop meeting."

What exactly did Sayo mean by that, Lisa wondered. Was it simply that she wanted to keep meeting someone she'd become friends with? Or, just maybe, was Sayo feeling the same magnetic pull Lisa was? Compared to ordinary friendship, something slightly different, slightly special?

_If so… that'd make me kind of happy_ , she thought.

Much like them meeting together in the library had been, Sayo coming over to practice with Lisa quickly became something of a routine. As she was when they were doing schoolwork together, Sayo was a patient and skilled teacher; Lisa's progress was slow, but she could feel herself slowly getting more familiar with the red guitar she'd borrowed from Yukina's father.

And at the same gradual pace, she found herself learning more and more about Sayo. She had a twin sister. She was particularly fond of dogs. Although she was too polite to say it, she disliked the carrots that occasionally showed up in Lisa's parents' meals. And more than anything, the rare, genuine smile she sometimes showed was truly dazzling.

It was late August now, and although the rainy season had largely passed, the clouds outside Lisa's window looked somewhat ominous.

"Perhaps I should get going before the weather worsens." The two of them had finished their practice for the day, and Sayo was looking somewhat worriedly at the weather forecast on her phone.

As she said that, though, the first drops of water streaked down the glass of the window. Before long, a full downpour had begun, prompting a lengthy sigh from Sayo.

"It's not that big of a deal. My dad can drive you home once he gets back, or, alternatively…"

"Alternatively what?"

"You could stay the night! How about it?"

"Stay the night…? Well, if your parents don't mind, then I suppose it's fine."

"They definitely won't mind. Every time you come over, they get excited and ask me when you're going to be coming over next, you know... it kinda feels like they wish you were their daughter instead."

Sayo scratched her cheek, her face turning slightly red. "Really?"

"Really really." Lisa grinned at Sayo's reaction. It had been clear from the start that she wasn't used to being praised, but, slowly, her response to compliments was changing from suspicion to embarrassment. The guarded, somewhat cold first impression Sayo gave off had long ago melted away, replaced by a somewhat stiff, somewhat awkward, kind, cute second-year high school girl.

_How many people get to see this side of her_ , Lisa wondered. On the one hand, she wanted Sayo to have as many people as possible who she felt comfortable around. But on the other hand, though she didn't really want to admit it, there was a part of Lisa that wanted to be the only person who got to see Sayo like this. In their time together, had she become someone special to Sayo?

She'd first suggested they play music together because she'd thought it might be good for Sayo if Sayo were to start playing again, but somewhere along the way her motivations had gotten muddied. If Sayo was happy, then Lisa was supposed to be happy too. But why was it that she'd started to feel as though it was no good if Sayo's happiness didn't involve her?

The more she thought about it, the less sense it made.

That night, she awoke in the dark to a booming crack of thunder. When she'd been younger, she'd always fled to her parents' room during thunderstorms, but the last time she'd done something like that was years ago now. It made sense. She wasn't exactly a kid anymore.

But still, it was awfully loud. A flash of lightning somewhere nearby illuminated the room briefly, and Lisa squeezed her eyes shut and wrapped the covers tightly around her.

"Is everything all right?" asked a soft voice from next to her, and Lisa suddenly remembered that Sayo was there.

"Uh, y-yeah…" Her voice came out weaker and more faltering than she'd imagined, and internally she cursed herself for being so pathetic. It was just a thunderstorm. It wasn't as though anything seriously bad was going to happen. Probably.

After a second, she felt something warm envelop her hand.

"S-Sayo?"

"When we were younger, my sister and I used to hold hands when something scared one of us at night. To help the other calm down. I thought maybe it might help you tonight, but if you don't want to…"

"Ah, no, it's fine. …Thank you." Lisa squeezed Sayo's hand tightly in return.

She'd been really stupid, hadn't she. All this time, she'd focused on what she could do to help out Sayo and ignored just how much she was being saved herself. How much she'd come to rely on Sayo being there for her.

The hand that gripped hers gave off a comfortable, reliable warmth, and Lisa soon found herself drifting back into sleep.

She woke up to someone gently shaking her on the shoulder, and, head still fuzzy with the vestiges of sleep, took a second to process why, exactly, Sayo was in her room.

"Good morning…" she said, her articulation still not entirely clear.

"Good morning to you too. I felt a little bad about waking you up, but your parents asked me to. They've made breakfast."

Now that Sayo mentioned it, there was a sweet smell wafting from downstairs. Pancakes, maybe…? Whatever it was, her stomach was growling already.

"And I don't want to forget to mention this, so… happy birthday, Lisa."

Lisa blinked in surprise for a couple of seconds, but Sayo's smile was warm enough that she couldn't help but smile herself.

"Thanks! How'd you know? I don't remember mentioning it to you."

"Your parents told me last night." Her smile changed into a frown. "I wish I'd known earlier so I could have prepared something."

Lisa laughed lightly. "I didn't think it was something you would be so concerned about! It's fine, though. You being here to celebrate with me is more than enough."

Sayo's face was still somewhat dubious. "Is there anything in particular you want? If it's something I can do, I'll do my best to make it happen."

"Something I want, huh…" Lisa thought for a second. Certainly there were any number of accessories or clothes she wouldn't mind having, but more than that…

"I know! There's a cafe downtown one of my friends recommended to me that I've been wanting to go to. How about we stop by there a little later?"

"If that's what you want, then I have no objection, but…"

"But what?"

"Are you sure this is fine? It is your birthday, after all. Surely you have some other friends who might be more engaging conversation partners."

"Hmm… no, I don't think so, actually. You're the most interesting out of all of them, Sayo." She smiled somewhat impudently, prompting a glare from Sayo. It seemed as though, despite the progress she'd made, Sayo was still in the process of learning how to take a compliment. If that was the case, then Lisa would just have to keep complimenting her until it finally sunk in.

"Well, as I said, I have no objections to accompanying you. I would like to stop by my house to change my clothes, though."

"I don't mind lending you something to wear today! Our heights are pretty close, so most of my stuff should fit you fine."

"Thank you for the offer, but I'd feel more comfortable wearing something of my own."

"Are you trying to say something about my clothes, Sayo?"

"Of course not. I would never speak ill of the clothing tastes of one of my friends." Sayo's smile was perfect, but for some reason Lisa doubted her sincerity. But before she could think of anything to say in return, her stomach rumbled once more, prompting Sayo's smile to change into something more genuine.

"Well then, shall we go eat?"

The cafe was as cute as advertised, the exterior slightly faded in a way that gave it a charming, lived-in feel. Both inside and out were generous decorated with all kinds of greenery, from the ivy creeping over the outside walls to the various potted plants sitting on the sunlit windowsills. Pulling up a chair at one of the worn wood tables, Lisa flipped through the menu, slightly overwhelmed by how many varieties of tea there were.

"What looks good to you, Sayo?"

"Isn't it your birthday? Why are you asking me?"

"Deciding is the hardest part!"

"Well, how about this, then. You can find two things you'd like to order and we can share them. Does that make it any easier to decide?"

"Maybe…? I feel like now I'm just going to be worried about getting something you'll like, though."

"You're really making this more difficult than it needs to be." Sayo looked more amused than frustrated.

"Well, then, how about I order two servings of carrot cake? Would you still eat that?"

"…If that's what you want to do, then go ahead." Her face seemed notably paler than it had a second ago, and Lisa couldn't help but laugh.

Ultimately, after Lisa ordered a slice of chocolate cake and a lemon tart and the two of them each picked a cup of tea largely at random, she and Sayo sat back and luxuriated in the cafe's atmosphere. It had really been an excellent recommendation. One of these days, it might be nice to come back here and study with Sayo, Lisa thought idly.

"Do you come to places like this often?" Sayo asked suddenly.

"I feel like a lot of the time I go out to eat with people it's at someplace less, um, elegant than this place, but every once in a while, yeah. Somehow I'm guessing you don't, Sayo."

"I've not spent a lot of time in cafes, no. But it's sometimes a nice experience to visit places you wouldn't ordinarily—this kind of environment is considerably more comfortable than I'd imagined. I have to thank you for bringing me here."

"You're welcome! It really is nice, isn't it? The person who told me about this place sometimes has a little bit strange tastes, but in this instance she turned out to be right on."

Their conversation was briefly interrupted by the waitress bringing their tea and cakes to the table. Thanking her, Lisa took a sip of her tea and sighed in happiness.

"It's as good as I imagined!"

"Chamomile, was it? It's good for reducing stress, I heard."

"Really? I'm not sure I have anything I'm particularly stressed out about at the moment, though."

"Better not to need the effect than to need it, I suppose."

The cake was similarly excellent—moist, with a strong but not overly sweet chocolate flavor.

"Want to try some, Sayo?" Lisa pointed a forkful in Sayo's direction.

"I will, thank you." Sayo seemed to be waiting for Lisa to deposit the cake on her plate, but Lisa had no such intention.

"Open your mouth?"

"Is that really the way you're going to do it? I'm perfectly capable of eating it myself."

"But it'll be fun! You just have to lean into it as confidently as possible, and then it won't be embarrassing."

Sayo sighed. "This is specially for today, all right? I have no intention of making this a habit of ours." She obediently opened her mouth.

Lisa tried her best to deposit the cake there as neatly as possible, but in the process smudged the majority of the chocolate icing on Sayo's lips. The sight was so incongruous with Sayo's stiff, serious image that while Sayo was chewing, Lisa quickly snapped a picture with her phone.

"Hey, how was the cake?"

"Good, but perhaps not good enough to overcome the embarrassment." As she wiped her lips off with a napkin, the bell signaling someone's entrance into the cafe rang, and Sayo's eyes bulged for a second.

Lisa turned around to look at the door, where two girls who looked to be in high school as well were staring in their direction. The girl on the left had blonde hair and a pair of commanding violet eyes, whereas the blue-haired girl on the right's gaze seemed a little nervous.

For a second, the two of them seemed to be too shocked to say anything, but the blonde-haired girl quickly composed herself and spoke. "If it isn't Hikawa Sayo! Imagine running into you here, of all places." Her smile was perfectly performed, as though she had spent years practicing it, but still came off as deeply insincere.

"…Chisato. It's been a while."

"To be honest, I assumed you didn't have any interest in anything other than studying and doing what you were told. What a surprise!"

Something about this girl's—Chisato's—manner rubbed Lisa the wrong way. It was the exact opposite of Sayo's straightforwardness, as though she was trying as hard as she could to not let any of what she was really thinking slip out.

Sayo was silent, and Chisato continued. "This is certainly a very lovely cafe, but I'm a little concerned for you—if you spend too much time eating cake here and not enough time studying, you might not be able to keep your hold on the top spot on the exams next time. I'd hate to see something like that happen."

"…Sorry, aren't you being a little rude?" Lisa tried her best to keep her tone level, but nevertheless a trace of anger seeped through.

"Regardless of how Chisato chooses to phrase things, I don't think she's saying anything that isn't true," Sayo said evenly.

"Sayo!" Lisa glared in her direction, and Sayo raised her hands in a gesture of capitulation.

"Chisato, perhaps you could wait to criticize me until summer vacation is over?"

"Criticism?" Chisato put a hand over her mouth in seeming shock. "Why, that wasn't my intention at all. But you're right. I wouldn't want to disturb your… well-earned break. Shall we go find a table, Kanon?"

"Oh, um, yeah!" The girl next to her looked even more uncomfortable than she had before, and as Chisato turned away she bowed lightly in Lisa and Sayo's direction and mouthed a quick apology.

Lisa heaved a sigh of relief once the two of them were out of earshot, but the discomfort induced by the previous conversation wouldn't dissipate so easily.

As though she sensed what Lisa was thinking, Sayo spoke. "It really doesn't bother me hearing people say that kind of thing about me. I'm used to it."

"It bothers me! And what were you thinking, saying she was right? We've spent enough time together to make it obvious that that's not true!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say anything that would upset you."

Sayo seemed to be missing the point somewhat, but Lisa didn't feel like pushing her any harder.

"Give me some of your lemon tart and I'll forgive you."

"As you wish." Sayo cut off a portion with her fork and laid it on Lisa's plate. Compared to the strong chocolatey flavor of the cake, the tart's vague sourness amidst the sugar was pleasant and refreshing, and Lisa immediately felt her mood improving.

"So that girl was a classmate of yours?"

"Both of them, yes. We've known each other since middle school, although it would be a stretch to say our relationship was anything more than just being classmates."

"And yet she really doesn't seem to like you."

"I'm not entirely certain why. Well, I have a general awareness that I'm not exactly my classmates' favorite person, but it's unclear what I did to irritate her in particular."

Something about the way Sayo had said that came across as deeply sad to Lisa, and she found herself staring at her tea in contemplation, waiting for Sayo to explain further.

"I feel like someone like you wouldn't quite understand. You're warm, and friendly, and sociable, and people are naturally drawn to you. Which means that you don't really have to worry about people disliking you as much as I do. But it's hard to get anywhere if you're always overly concerned about what people say, which is why I try not to pay too much attention."

"I've run into plenty of people who aren't too fond of me, though, Sayo, you know? I think the way I look sometimes makes people think I'm someone who I'm not, and, well, I get called pushy or nosy pretty often when I accidentally get too far into people's business. But still, it kind of hurts when people reject me. I'd really like to get along with everyone if I could. Wouldn't you?"

"I… don't know that I've ever thought that, actually, though it's somehow unsurprising that you would. But still, I am surprised that there are people who you don't get along with. I can come up with reasons why someone might not like me, but it's a lot more difficult when it comes to you."

"Geez, you're getting good at the compliments thing, aren't you, Sayo? But some of the people who didn't like me were a lot like you, you know. The prickly kind who didn't appreciate me butting too far into their affairs, or the strict kind who had some kind of preconceived ideas about what girls who wore a lot of makeup and earrings and short skirts were like."

"…Perhaps if you hadn't been studying when I first met you, my impression would have been different."

Lisa burst out laughing, and after a second Sayo began to smile too.

How could her classmates dislike someone who was this fun to have a conversation with?

Just as Lisa was returning to her room after taking a bath that night, her phone lit up with a new message.

" _Lisa! Happy birthday!_ " it said, followed by a sticker of a pink dog that Lisa was unsure whether to call cute or ugly.

Wrapping a towel around her still slightly damp hair, Lisa quickly composed a response.

" _Aya! Thanks so much! I went to the cafe you recommended to me today—it was as cute as you said!_ "

Aya seemed as though she was typing and deleting several responses before, finally, her message arrived.

" _Um, at the cafe… were you by any chance with Hikawa Sayo?_ "

" _Yeah, I was, actually! But wait, Aya, how'd you know about that?_ "

Aya and Sayo went to the same high school, she was pretty sure, so it was possible they knew each other, but for some reason it seemed unlikely that the two of them were in close contact about what they were doing each day.

" _Kanon told me that she ran into someone with Sayo there today, and from the description I kind of had a feeling it might have been you… Anyway, could you come to the fast food court tomorrow after my shift? It's important!_ "

" _For what?_ "

" _It's just important!_ "

Aya added a sticker of a woman with hands pressed together in supplication, and Lisa couldn't help but smile. It was painfully obvious that Aya was planning something, but that transparency was part of her charm. She was always cheerful, always said exactly what she was thinking, and always gave her best at whatever she was doing, no matter how many times she failed at it. Sayo had suggested that it was hard to find reasons to dislike Lisa earlier, but if that was true of anyone, then surely Aya was a better fit.

_If they just talked a little bit, I bet she and Sayo could hit it off_ , Lisa found herself idly thinking. There was an almost impossibly wide gulf between the Sayo Lisa knew and the image of Sayo her classmates seemed to have, but if Lisa could close that gap just a little…

The area around the food court was largely deserted, but even if it hadn't been the girl sitting with perfect posture on one side of a booth seat would have stood out. She was shorter than Lisa, but the aura she gave off seemed as though it added about an additional six inches of height; that, combined with her pale blonde hair and perfectly composed expression, were enough to mark her as out of the ordinary in whatever situation she was in.

Shirasagi Chisato. After hearing her name from Sayo, Lisa had looked it up and found more information than she could process: news articles about dramas she had appeared in, interviews with well-known magazines, various gossip about her personal life. If Yukina lived in a different world than the one Lisa did, then Chisato's life was taking place on some planet far across the Milky Way.

On that planet, surely everyone was a lovely porcelain doll, with smooth skin that showed no cracks. Lisa was used to figuring out ways to wedge herself inside of people, to find the small gaps that would let her see what they were really thinking. But in the face of that perfect exterior, her tools suddenly lost all of their use. Maybe that was what an actress was—someone whose livelihood was dedicated to hiding those gaps, to perfectly embodying whatever role they were called upon to play, to the point where someone looking in from the outside had no way of knowing which part of them was genuine.

It was also exactly the kind of person Lisa was bad with. She was much more comfortable around people like Sayo or Yukina, who, without fail, always said what they meant. That bluntness, even as brusque as it could sometimes come off as, was still somehow warm and honest and human, especially when compared to the alien porcelain smoothness Chisato masked herself in. Humans weren't always easy to deal with, but at the very least they _could_ be dealt with.

As Lisa was contemplating what to do, Aya emerged from the fast food restaurant's back room, dragging the blue-haired girl from the other day—Matsubara Kanon, Sayo had said—behind her. Upon seeing Lisa, she waved energetically and motioned toward the booth Chisato was sitting in.

Lisa tried her best to not let her displeasure show on her face. This was, after all, more or less what she'd expected once she'd seen Chisato was here. Just admitting that the two of them were incompatible and avoiding contact was not, it seemed, an option.

"Um, well…" Aya looked somewhat nervous as she attempted to explain why she'd assembled this group. Despite the muggy air outside, the atmosphere at their table was more than a little chilly. Normally warming things up was Lisa's specialty, but she wasn't exactly feeling inclined to do that today.

But Aya, in typical Aya fashion, plunged right into the heart of the matter after a moment of hesitation. "I heard that the two of you met for the first time the other day and it, um, maybe didn't go quite as well as it could have. So I wanted to make sure that two of my precious friends didn't end up on bad terms!"

There was a brief silence, and then Chisato spoke. "Imai Lisa, was it? I'm glad to hear that you've been getting along with Aya. I hope that we can get along similarly from now on." She smiled that perfect smile of hers again.

Lisa was, for a moment, at a loss for words. It was painfully obvious to her that Chisato wasn't being sincere, but calling her out on that seemed like it might just make unnecessary trouble for Aya.

So, putting on her best fake smile of her own, she replied. "It's nice to meet you too! Any friend of Aya's is a friend of mine."

For now, it seemed best just to act friendly. If Chisato said anything bad about Sayo again, though, the story might be different.

"I'm glad you two are being friendly! I was a little worried that things might be awkward based on what Kanon said, but it seems like I didn't have to worry." Aya said, beaming. It was unclear whether she could sense that the atmosphere between Lisa and Chisato was still tense and was just pretending it wasn't or whether she was genuinely blissfully ignorant. Knowing Aya, it was probably the latter.

"More importantly, though, Lisa! You have to tell us how you ended up being friends with Sayo. I was super surprised when I heard about it!" she continued.

"Is it really that surprising…? I met her when we were both doing summer homework in the library and we just kind of hit it off from there, I guess. She was super nice and helpful with the stuff I didn't understand, and I started to get curious about what she was like outside of studying. Lately she's been teaching me how to play guitar, which has been a lot of fun!"

Lisa could sense three pairs of dumbfounded eyes staring at her. Apparently, it _was_ that surprising.

Kanon broke the silence, speaking for the first time that afternoon. "Um, I can't say I really know her all that well, but to those of us in her class Sayo always seems a little bit too… intimidating? to talk to. Maybe this was just me assuming bad things about her, but every time she talked to me I thought I was about to get scolded because my appearance wasn't in order or because I wasn't concentrating hard enough in class. So when I saw the two of you at that cafe yesterday, it sort of felt like I was looking at a different person…"

Aya nodded vigorously. "She never really seems to get close to anyone, and, well, the two of you are almost like total opposites, right? I heard that there was a girl she was good friends with back in middle school, but that girl was more of the serious, no-nonsense type. I assumed that those were the only kinds of people she really got along with…"

Despite herself, Lisa inhaled sharply. A girl Sayo had been close to in middle school…? Words drifted, unbidden, back into her head.

_Is there a way to 'fix' someone not caring about you as much as you do about them?"_

But before she could inquire further question Aya about what she'd heard, the conversation swept in another direction.

"You two are a bit of a surprising combination, I will admit, but what's almost more surprising is the idea of Sayo playing guitar. It's hard for me to imagine, honestly." Lisa had prepared for the worst as soon as Chisato had opened her mouth, but compared to the previous day her words were considerably less biting. Perhaps because Sayo wasn't there herself.

"Right??" Aya was even more excited than usual. "I do feel like there's something about playing guitar that's kind of cool, though. Maybe it does actually suit her…"

"Oh, about that!" Lisa pulled out her phone and quickly flipped through its pictures before she found the one she wanted. Somewhat triumphantly, she shoved it in the other girls' faces. "Doesn't she look good here? I love how serious she always is when she's playing!"

Aya and Kanon oohed appreciatively, and after flipping through a few more of Lisa's Sayo pictures Aya seemed as though she'd suddenly had a flash of inspiration.

"You know, Hanasakigawa's cultural festival is coming up before too long. Wouldn't it be neat if we could hold a concert there together?"

An array of blank stares greeted her statement, but Aya was undeterred. "I can sing, and Lisa and Sayo can play guitar, and Kanon's played drums before, and Chisato, you had a role in that drama last year where you had to learn to play bass, right? It's like we've got a full band right in front of us!"

By this point, Lisa had heard enough of Aya's… unusual ideas to take everything she suggested with a bit of a grain of salt. But the more she thought about this one, the more appealing it seemed. Sayo performing on stage was a much more appropriate place for her than just being stuck in Lisa's bedroom for the rest of her high school career. And if her classmates had a negative, too-serious opinion of her, then what better way was there to remedy that than performing in front of all of them?

"I think it sounds good, actually, Aya! I feel like it'd be a little strange for me to be performing at your guys' cultural festival, but other than that it seems really fun to do."

Aya's face brightened as though someone had shone a lightbulb on it. "It wouldn't be weird at all! I heard there's a tradition of Haneoka's theater club borrowing actors from Hanasakigawa, so this'd just be an extension of that!" She seemed even more fired up than usual now that someone had actually jumped on board with her idea.

"…Sorry, you aren't seriously thinking about doing this, are you?" Chisato butted in, a vaguely disgusted expression on her face. "I don't exactly have the time to waste practicing for something like a cultural festival."

"It isn't just a cultural festival, it's our precious high school memories! We only have so many more chances to do something like this, you know?"

"More than 'precious memories,' I'd rather work towards something more practical. Besides, Kanon isn't going to want to perform in front of a huge crowd of people anyway, right?"

Three pairs of eyes glanced over in Kanon's direction. Blushing slightly from the attention, she took a deep breath, and then spoke.

"I think… I want to try doing it."

Chisato looked genuinely shocked for the first time since Lisa had met her. "You don't think that that kind of stage would pressure you too much and make you uncomfortable? I don't want you to get roped into doing anything you don't really want to do." There was a hint of genuine compassion and concern in her voice that felt incongruous with the girl who'd been so scornful of Sayo the other day.

Kanon smiled gently but firmly. "I appreciate you looking out for me, Chisato, but I feel like I'm always being protected by people like you or Aya. Someday, I'm going to have to find the courage to really do things for myself, and I think this would be a good place to start. Plus, well… you said it was silly, but I do think this might turn into the kind of memory we can really look on fondly later."

"Well, when you put it that way…" Chisato looked crestfallen.

"Do you not want to play with me?"

"It's not tha—did they put you up to this beforehand? The Kanon I know would never be this manipulative."

Kanon smiled innocently, and Chisato sighed. "Fine, I'll do it. But keep in mind that all of you owe me a favor. And that isn't something I'm going to forget about," she said, glaring at Lisa and Aya.

If there was such a thing as an unmasked Shirasagi Chisato, Lisa felt like this was it. Rather than being perfect and impenetrable, unaffected by the tumultuous emotions of ordinary people, she seemed suddenly extremely human. Prideful, petty, sharp-tongued, but ultimately the kind of person who, despite what she might say, cared about those close to her. Lisa still wasn't at the point where she would say she _liked_ Chisato, exactly, but compared to their first meeting her evaluation had jumped significantly.

Humans, it turned out, were a lot more likeable than dolls. And, well, even that porcelain mask seemed a lot less scary now that Lisa knew that it would shatter if tapped in the right place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might shift to somewhat shorter and/or more infrequent updates from this point on.
> 
> next time: jealousy


	3. Sweet Sweet Sweet Bitter (I)

On the bench outside of the studio, Lisa let out a deep sigh. Looking at her current situation objectively, everything was going better than she'd expected it to. For one, Sayo had readily agreed to participate in Aya's plan, becoming invested in their project to the point where she'd taken it on herself to direct band practices. And even though the others hadn't seemed thrilled about that idea at first, they'd gradually come to realize (or so Lisa hoped) that Sayo had the best interests of the group in mind despite her sometimes rough manner. Which was an unambiguously good thing, because no doubt, compared to just playing alone with Lisa, practicing with a group was more appropriate for someone of Sayo's talent and skill level. And for her part, Lisa thoroughly enjoyed being able to spend time with Aya and Kanon (and even Chisato) in addition to Sayo.

But she hadn't been fully prepared for just how painfully inadequate practicing together made her feel.

Taking a long drink of water, she felt her thoughts drift in a murky direction. She was the only person here who wasn't a Hanasakigawa student, the only person whose skills were far too low to actually present on stage, the only person who wasn't really a necessary part of the band. Playing with Sayo had been one of the things she'd looked forward to most, but suddenly that red guitar she'd grown so attached to had become a source of anxiety.

Surely there was someone else at Hanasakigawa who could fill in for her—

Her thoughts were interrupted by something cold being pressed against her cheek, and she flinched backwards in surprise.

"…Sayo? Don't scare me like that!"

"I'm sorry. I assumed you would notice me, but it seems like you were thinking about something." Sayo placed down the two cans of soda she'd bought from the vending machine and sat next to Lisa. "Is there something bothering you?"

"It isn't really anything serious. Just a little bit tired today, I guess." Lisa tried her best to keep her tone light, but Sayo gave her a soft "I see" in response, her expression changing to one of vague disappointment.

"Geez, Sayo, don't give me that look. You really want me to tell you that bad?" Lisa let a resigned smile slip onto her face.

"It's not that," Sayo replied, sulkily. "It was just obvious that my question was being evaded. Practice yields worse results if everyone's not in peak condition."

"…It might yield better results if you had someone better than me playing guitar."

Sayo's eyes opened wide. "What's this all of a sudden?"

"I've just been feeling discouraged lately, I guess. Maybe it was too early for me to try and play complicated songs like this… I mean, even without me, you guys can perform at the festival fine, right?"

A wrinkle formed in Sayo's brow, and Lisa sighed internally. Really, it was because she knew that she was going to cause other people unnecessary worry that she avoided telling them these kinds of things.

Eventually, Sayo spoke. "It's true that when thinking strictly about your skill at playing, the other band members are probably better at the moment. But that kind of thing is understandable given how long you've been playing."

Lisa knew that, of course, but that didn't really make it any less frustrating.

Sayo continued. "The best predictor of future success isn't how good you are now, it's how hard you're working to get better. If your process is good, then your results will eventually catch up, even if it takes a while."

"But I'm not as dedicated as you are, Sayo… lately, it just doesn't feel like I'm getting any better."

"Is that so? I think you've improved a lot even since we started practicing as a band." Sayo took one of Lisa's hands in hers. "And just looking at your fingers, it's obvious how hard you've been working. Please, have a little more confidence in yourself."

The gentle way Sayo ran her fingers over Lisa's reminded Lisa, for some reason, of a certain classmate of hers. "…Sayo, I bet you'd be really good at seducing women if you tried."

"Seducing…? Lisa, I was being serious!"

Lisa grinned at Sayo's flustered expression. "Yeah, I know. Thanks for hearing me out, Sayo." She squeezed Sayo's hand in return, their fingers intertwining, and after a second Sayo squeezed back, cheeks faintly dyed red with embarrassment.

…In the end, talking to Sayo had been a good idea. It almost always was, now that Lisa thought about it. Despite her blunt exterior, hidden somewhere inside was a fundamentally kind and gentle girl, the kind of person who, just by virtue of sitting on the same bench, made Lisa's worries feel smaller and farther away.

For just a little longer, until Chisato came out to yell at the two of them to get back to practice, she wanted to stay like this.

Quickly changing out of her uniform in the back room, Lisa typed out a message to Aya on her phone. _"I just got done, so I'll be there in 10!"_ Her coworker's sudden illness had saddled her with an unexpected shift at her part-time job while the others were practicing, but she'd finished in time to make their post-practice family restaurant meetup.

Briskly walking down the street, she found herself wondering if everything had really gone all right at practice. The earlier friction between Sayo and her classmates seemed to have mostly dissipated, but that didn't necessarily mean that everyone had become the best of friends. At the very least, they didn't seem close enough to go out to eat together without some level of awkwardness. It wasn't usually a problem if Lisa was there, but without her she couldn't help but worry a little for Sayo.

As she stepped up to the door of the restaurant, however, her worries proved to be groundless. Her breath slightly heavier than normal and a couple of beads of sweat dripping down her neck, she stared at the other four members of her band. On one side of the table were Chisato and Kanon, their expressions much softer and more comfortable than they had been the first time she'd really talked to them at the fast food court. And on the other side were Aya and Sayo, Aya leaning on Sayo's shoulder as she excitedly pointed at something on her phone.

From an outsider's perspective, they no doubt looked like a normal group of close high school friends. Which, considering the people involved, was no small feat. If you'd asked Lisa yesterday, she would have said (and honestly believed) that if Sayo could learn to smile more naturally and get along with the people she'd once been at odds with, that was worth celebrating.

But now that that scene was right before her eyes, a difficult-to-describe uneasiness swept over her. Aya's fluffy pink hair and Sayo's blue-green were close enough to overlap, the mix of colors reminding Lisa of a specialty ice cream flavor she'd had once years ago. It was a pretty combination, and it was understandable that Aya's determined optimism would win over Sayo just as it had the rest of the band. But Lisa's fondness for Aya couldn't stop an ugly feeling from welling up in the pit of her stomach.

 _I found her first—_ no, it wasn't as though Sayo was some kind of object to be fought over— _don't get so close to her—_ whoever Sayo got close to shouldn't be a problem— _being by Sayo's side was supposed to be my place—_ it was?— _Sayo, don't leave me behind!_

After Lisa had stared at her band members' table long enough to start feeling awkward, Chisato turned around, her and Lisa's eyes meeting. There was no way for her to know what Lisa was thinking, but nevertheless Lisa had the uncomfortable feeling that those piercing violet eyes were seeing right through her, laying bare the shameful and unsightly places in her heart.

Then Chisato smiled that actress's smile of hers and spoke. "Oh, you're here already, Lisa? What excellent timing. We were discussing whether we should go on some sort of outing together as a band."

"Oh, really?" Lisa felt as though her smile was nowhere near as composed as Chisato's, but she still hoped it was convincing. Walking over to the table, she sat next to Sayo, at a distance close enough that their shoulders almost touched.

"It'll help strengthen our bonds as a band!" Aya said, full of energy as usual. "Going to an amusement park together as a group of friends really feels like an essential high school experience, don't you think? Our adolescence wouldn't be complete without it!"

"I think it sounds fun! What did everyone else think about it?" As soon as Aya had spoken, Lisa had felt that unpleasant feeling from earlier slowly begin to dissipate. Just a fleeting moment of weakness and nothing more, she told herself, hoping that if she said it firmly enough she'd actually come to believe it.

"I suggested something a little more relaxed, like going to the theater, but Aya didn't seem to be too into the idea." As usual, Lisa suspected there might be a hint of judgment implicit in Chisato's statement.

"Well, it's true that the idea of going to the theater feels very refined, but…" Aya seemed to be undergoing an internal struggle of sorts in her head, her natural childish enthusiasm fighting against her admiration for Chisato. "…Sorry, I think it might still be a little early for me."

"That might be the best decision." Chisato seemed as though she was trying to keep from laughing, but rather than contempt her words gave off a faint sense of warmth. The more time they spent together, the more Lisa felt like she could see what exactly it was that had drawn Aya to Chisato in the first place, even if she couldn't quite yet say she felt the same way. "Rather than a theater, though, how does going to the aquarium sound? Kanon said she was interested in going there the other day."

Kanon put a finger on her chin and looked thoughtful. "Mmm… I would like to go, but if it's a group of friends then an amusement park might be better? The aquarium gives off more of a date spot kind of feeling, doesn't it?"

Chisato blinked slowly a couple of times, then smiled once more. "…That's certainly true. I have no problem going to the amusement park, then, if we're all in agreement." She looked pointedly at the only person who hadn't yet spoken.

"I don't have any particular objections." It was difficult to read any emotion from Sayo's even expression.

"I can't say going to the amusement park really suits my image of you. Are you certain you'll be all right?" She'd calmed down somewhat since they'd begun practicing together as a band, but every once in a while it seemed as though Chisato couldn't resist goading Sayo.

"It would probably not be my first choice of places to go, but…"

"I suppose since _she's_ there you'll just agree to anything, won't you?" Chisato jerked her head in Lisa's direction.

"Is there a problem with agreeing to do something in order to spend time with your friends? It seems to me as though you consent rather quickly whenever Ka—"

"Okay, okay, that's enough." Lisa had a bad feeling that things might get even worse if Sayo brought up Kanon's name in this situation. Normally Sayo wasn't the type to respond to Chisato's taunting, but when Lisa got dragged into their arguments things had a tendency to get heated. It wasn't exactly a bad feeling to have Sayo try and defend her honor, but ultimately Lisa felt like infighting within their band was going to be counterproductive. "Aya, when were you thinking about going?"

Aya looked surprised for a second at the conversation being turned in her direction, but eventually picked up the baton Lisa had passed her. "Um, well, any weekend's fine for me, mostly. Chisato, you're the most busy out of all of us, so I guess I should ask you when you can go first…"

While the others hashed out the details, Sayo turned to Lisa. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get caught up in an argument," she whispered.

Upon seeing Sayo's too-serious expression, Lisa couldn't keep herself from grinning. "What's with that sad-puppy look of yours? It's not a big deal. I've gotten mad at her before too."

"I just don't want to cause any trouble for you."

"I told you it was fine, didn't I? You worry too much, Sayo!" Lisa poked at Sayo's cheek with her finger.

As she did so, she heard the sound of Chisato clearing her throat from across the table.

"Are you two going to contribute to the discussion or are you too busy flirting?"

"Fl-flirting?" Sayo's face had turned bright red. "That's not what—"

"Sayo, it's a joke. Geez, you can't react like that every time someone teases you or they're never going to stop…" It was times like this where Lisa was suddenly reminded that there were a lot of things she took for granted that Sayo had very little experience with.

"O-oh. Right." The red flush in Sayo's face showed no signs of abating, and even Kanon seemed about ready to burst out laughing.

Well. If Sayo wasn't used to having a group of friends like this, then Lisa was just going to have to do her best to make sure that from now on, Sayo got so much friendship it made her want to puke.

Forty-five minutes before their agreed-upon meeting time at the amusement park, Sayo showed up on Lisa's doorstep, a vaguely unsettled expression on her face. Her white, loosely fitting sleeveless top was held in place by a pair of ties at the shoulders, which she was fiddling nervously with. Rather than her usual pants, she had on a light blue skirt that extended slightly past her knees, and a matching ribbon bound up her hair in a high ponytail. A set of clothes Lisa remembered well from the previous weekend's shopping trip.

"Oh, you actually wore the outfit! As I thought, it looks good on you!"

"Y-you think so? My sister said the same thing, but I, um, just somehow can't get used to it."

"You should have more confidence, Sayo! I mean, I like the clothes I picked out for you, but you're pretty enough that you can pull off whatever look you want." Lisa flashed her an encouraging smile. "If you keep being this fashionable, though, you might not be able to keep the men off of you. Be careful!"

"If that's the case, then maybe I should just stick to my old clothes."

"As always, you have no interest in that kind of thing, huh?"

"…Not in particular."

"Well, that's fine in itself. I'm sure someday you'll meet someone you feel that way about."

"Do you have someone like that?"

"I don't. A little surprising, huh? A lot of my friends do, and I guess there's a part of me that aspires towards the kind of romance you see in the novels I read, but the right situation just hasn't come up. I'm plenty happy just being able to hang out with you guys, anyway!"

"I'd have to say I feel the same way. Although I did feel a little out of place when you weren't at practice the other day. I still don't really know exactly how I should act in those kinds of social situations."

"Aww, were you lonely without me? Don't worry, I'll make sure to give you lots of attention today!"

Sayo glared at her, then said curtly, "We're wasting time. Let's head to the station."

Lisa followed after her obediently, hoping her joking demeanor had helped to smooth over the tumult of emotions Sayo's words had provoked in her. Hearing that Sayo hadn't been entirely comfortable when she wasn't there—that Sayo, on some level, _needed_ her there—made her feel genuinely relieved. And that relief, in turn, prompted an ensuing wave of nausea.

She hadn't wanted to know that this part of her existed. Or, now that she thought about it, she hadn't wanted to be _reminded_ of it. With Yukina, the same sort of thing had happened, hadn't it? Much like a certain someone, Yukina was a little stiff and a little unsociable and had an unfortunate tendency to rub people the wrong way. Because of that, she hadn't exactly been surrounded by friends growing up; the only person she was open about her feelings with, the only person who really knew what was in her heart, was Lisa.

Or so Lisa had thought. But no matter how important her friendship with Yukina had been to her, in Yukina's heart there had ultimately been no special place for Lisa. No matter how many times she'd tried her best to entice Yukina with cookies or offered to listen to her talk about music, their connection had slowly but surely withered, leaving behind only a black, festering bitterness that even now steadily dripped somewhere within Lisa, its caustic texture manifesting as a persistent, dull pain.

If Yukina wanted to focus on music, or decided the person she wanted closest to her was someone other than Lisa, then Lisa didn't really feel as though she had the right to be upset. She didn't want to be the kind of person who jealously bound the people she cared about to her regardless of how they felt about being bound.

…But still, it was deeply tempting. Being with Sayo was so fun, so fulfilling that Lisa wished she had some sort of way to make sure that things didn't end up like they had last time. Logically, she knew that none of Sayo's actions up until this point had indicated that that was likely to happen. And yet, when she looked at the cute ponytail bobbing up and down in front of her, the warm feeling of excitement in her chest found itself overwritten by a constricting knot of fear that made it difficult to breathe.

When things were going this well, it was hard to shake the sense that something bad was waiting just around the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time: self-hatred  
> the next bit of this should be a little more eventful than this update!


	4. Sweet Sweet Sweet Bitter (II)

Chisato, Aya, and Kanon were already there to meet the two of them once they arrived at the amusement park entrance. Seeing a set of stares gathering on her, Sayo adopted a guarded stance, but her nervousness was quickly proven to be unnecessary.

"Wow, Sayo, you look really cute!" Aya said excitedly. "I didn't know that you wore those kinds of clothes, but they definitely suit you!" She gave Sayo a thumbs up and an awkward wink.

"Cute…? I'm not sure I'm the kind of person people would call 'cute.'" Sayo's expression was a combination of embarrassment and mild confusion, and she turned to Lisa as though searching for answers. "Are you sure you didn't get my image wrong when you were picking out these clothes?"

Before Lisa could protest that statement, though, Kanon spoke up. "Um, well, this is just my personal opinion, but I think that it shouldn't really matter what other people's image of you is if you're doing what you want to do. People who are who they are regardless of what other people say or think about them… I kind of admire them, I guess?"

Sayo's face suggested she still wasn't sure what Kanon was trying to get at, and Kanon hurriedly continued. "Maybe this is completely wrong, but I feel like sometimes the way you feel like you should act and the way you actually want to act aren't the same, Sayo. So I was wondering if maybe you really do want to be the kind of girl who gets called cute…"

As she trailed off, there was a somewhat stunned silence. Kanon wasn't the type of girl who usually expressed herself strongly, especially in situations where someone vaguely intimidating like Sayo might get upset at her. And her statement had been… somewhat provocative, to say the least. The kind of thing that Lisa could really see Sayo taking the wrong way.

Which wasn't to say it was untrue. Lisa got the impression that Sayo was the kind of person who felt deeply boxed in by the expectations of the people around her. Even though the box created by those expectations did not, of course, have the same dimensions as the real Hikawa Sayo, that didn't stop Sayo from desperately contorting herself to try and fit into it.

Around a group of close friends—and this was Kanon's point—there was no need for Sayo to conform to what other people wanted her to be. In some respects, it seemed strange that Sayo would continue to be so reticent around people she'd seemingly opened her heart up to this much.

But Lisa suspected that for Sayo, deviating from what was expected of her had not historically been a rewarding endeavor. Something had no doubt caused her enough pain that she'd decided that as uncomfortable and constricting as trying to be someone she really wasn't could be, it was preferable to the alternative.

Just thinking that filled Lisa with a combination of helplessness and deep sadness.

_At least in front of me, if you could—_

Lisa's thoughts were interrupted by the hesitant, embarrassed voice of the girl next to her, who seemed to have become possessed by a particularly timid ghost. "I wouldn't say that I want to be… _cute,_ exactly, but when I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I did think that it was a nice change. So, um… thank you for complimenting me. Though it's really thanks to Lisa's fashion knowledge."

After another brief silence, Aya smiled back at Sayo. "You're welcome! I'm not as knowledgeable about these kinds of things as Lisa is, but it would be fun for us to go shopping sometime if you're up for it!"

"Of course." Sayo seemed to have recovered some of her normal dignity, and even Chisato was smiling more warmly than usual. A surge of guilt swept through Lisa at having wanted to keep Sayo all to herself.

As they passed through the ticket gates, the other three up in front and Sayo and Lisa slightly behind, Sayo spoke up again. "It really is strange."

"What is?"

"I used to think fashion was frivolous, but for some reason going out in a new set of clothes like this seems to have improved my mood as well."

"I told you, right? Clothes are magic! I'm glad you're starting to understand."

"When I look like this, I somehow feel like I can like myself a little more." Sayo spoke softly, almost as though her words were a soliloquy not meant for others to hear.

But nevertheless they clearly reached Lisa's ears.

Attempting to swallow the lump in her throat, she grabbed Sayo's hand and squeezed it hard enough that Sayo let out a tiny groan of pain.

Before long, those feelings were swept away by the enjoyment of spending time with a group of friends. Whether the amusement park itself was fun was almost irrelevant; between listening to Aya's stories, watching Sayo and Chisato try to maintain their cool after being thrown about on high-speed roller coasters, and trying to stop Kanon from going off in the totally wrong direction, even just waiting in line for a ride became enjoyable.

"…so they ask me to make dinner for me and my sister because they're going to be home late, and I prepare everything all nice, like a responsible older sister would, but then when I go to take out the rice it turns out I forgot to turn the rice cooker on!"

"That sounds like something you would do, Aya."

"Chisato, you're terrible! But the worst part of it was the way my sister looked at me afterwards, like she was wondering why she had to get stuck with a big sister as useless as this…"

"Don't worry. I don't choose my friends based on whether they're useful or not, so at least when it comes to us you should be safe." Chisato seemed as though she was enjoying herself immensely.

"I'm not sure whether I should be upset about you saying that or not… Oh, there's a haunted house here? We gotta go in! What do you guys think?"

Aya looked so excited Lisa felt bad about raining on her parade, but there was no way she was going into someplace like that. Rather than being fun, it seemed more likely to end up traumatic.

Eventually, Sayo and Kanon ended up being the ones who got dragged along with Aya, leaving Lisa and Chisato sitting together on the sun-worn bench in front of the haunted house.

"…I wonder if they'll be all right in there," Chisato said, a dubious look on her face.

Lisa laughed. "I'd feel more worried if Sayo weren't with them."

"You seem to have quite a lot of faith in her."

"Isn't it more that you seem to have no faith in her?"

"I've not been given any real reason to do so. If you're hoping that the two of us will suddenly become the best of friends, then I suspect you'll be disappointed."

"I'm not the kind of person who's going to give up that easily, you know. Can you at least tell me what exactly happened between you two?"

Chisato sighed, seemingly bowed by Lisa's tenacity. "It's not as though anything in particular happened. It's just…"

"Just what?"

"…Lisa, do you know exactly how someone ends up being a child actress?"

Lisa blinked a couple of times, unsure exactly what she was being asked. "From demonstrating talent at a young age, I guess?"

"That's more or less correct. But how exactly might a child get the opportunity to demonstrate that talent in the first place?"

"I guess I never really thought about it. Most high schools have theater clubs, but I don't know that I ever noticed those kinds of opportunities before that."

"As you might guess, most of the people who showed up at auditions with me or who I worked with over the years were there because their parents had pushed them, or because someone they knew had some sort of connection. It's common for a child to say they want to be a soccer player or musician, but less likely for them to say they want to be an actress.

"I don't think that most people who were in the kind of position I was in hate acting, or even dislike it. But at the same time, I suspect that if you asked us if we were acting because we were genuinely passionate about it, a lot of us wouldn't be able to say yes. At the very least, I don't think I was ever able to say that with certainty." As usual, it was impossible to read any particular emotion from Chisato's face and voice.

But what she was saying made sense. Certainly the things that Lisa had enjoyed ten years ago were far removed from what she enjoyed now. And certainly not everything that she displayed some aptitude for had turned into a passion of hers.

"So, um, why have you kept doing it if you don't enjoy it all that much?" she asked, tentatively.

"Why indeed. Maybe because I don't know what I would do if I stopped. I don't have the courage to upend my life, especially when I don't have anything I particularly want to do outside of acting. Just continuing to do what you're told is a lot of times the easiest path forward." A faint bitterness had seeped into Chisato's words.

"…You said something like that to Sayo before, didn't you?"

"I think we're in a lot of respects similar people. Last year, there was a girl in our class who desperately wanted to finish first on all of our tests, and yet she lost to Sayo every time. I felt bad for her not because she lost, but because she lost to someone who so clearly had no interest in winning. Sayo just studied, seemingly more out a sense of obligation than anything else, and was better at it than everyone else, and yet that expression on her face never changed. If I were in the other girl's position, my blood would have boiled.

"And yet I knew that I'd done exactly the same thing as Sayo many times. People who were genuinely invested in acting competed against me in auditions and lost time and again, and yet I could never muster up any real excitement over passing. They wanted my talent, no doubt, but I wanted their passion. Something to fill up this empty shell of a human being."

She stared at Lisa with that piercing gaze of hers. "In truth, as much as I might want to pretend that it isn't the case, there are a lot of things about Shirasagi Chisato that I hate. And it's those same parts of Hikawa Sayo that I also hate. It's like there's a mirror constantly being held up to you at your ugliest and most repulsive, reminding you of who you really are. I make no claim of being fair, but like I said, if you're hoping we'll suddenly get along I don't think it's going to happen."

If the earlier warm, friendly glimpses Chisato had shown Lisa were the "real" Shirasagi Chisato, then no doubt the girl in front of her, with her unvarnished self-hatred and acidic tone, was real as well. And as much as Lisa wanted to see the best in people, it would be hard to say that seeing this side of Chisato was going to lead to a deepening of their relationship. A deeper mutual understanding, maybe, but not exactly a blossoming friendship.

But Lisa still felt obligated to keep pushing. "Lately, though, Sayo's been more invested in playing guitar, and I feel like she might have found at least something she's passionate about. You don't think that might make her easier for you to deal with?"

Chisato gave Lisa a disgusted look, as though she'd been asked something deeply stupid. "I'm not _you_. I can't honestly be happy when someone's succeeding at something that I very much want to succeed at but can't. At this point I'm sure your opinion of me isn't high, but I am no doubt a far less nice and less reasonable person than you're imagining." She sighed. "This is why I can't get along with people like you."

"You hate me too, then?"

"…Only a little bit."

A flash of pink hair brought Lisa's attention to the haunted house, where the rest of their group was exiting, Aya still latched onto Kanon's arm. Lisa stood up and dusted off the bottom of her pants.

"…Thanks for telling me all of that, Chisato."

"I'm also glad I could spend some time chatting with one of my lovely band members." The Chisato Lisa had been talking with up until a second ago had fully disappeared, leaving only the slippery, insincere masked girl who'd made such a bad first impression on her.

Suddenly, Lisa found herself longing to submerge into Sayo's blunt, kind honesty.

As they stopped by a stall to pick up some ice cream after eating lunch, Lisa found herself turning over Chisato's words in her head again and again. It would be hard for her to definitively say herself that she had something that she was passionate about, that she wanted to devote herself to above all else. But between school, and her friends, and her hobbies, her life still felt full to bursting. It wasn't as though she'd never felt the kind of bitter emptiness that Chisato and Sayo seemed to have, but it had never consumed her life in quite the same way.

Was Sayo just wired differently than Lisa? Did she need something she could apply her talents to to be happy? Or could Lisa and the others' friendship fill that hole in her chest?

If Chisato could hear Lisa's thoughts, she'd no doubt shoot a disgusted look Lisa's way once again. But this wasn't exactly just a case of Lisa being thanklessly kind to everyone around her. Rather than just doing this out of some form of terminal niceness she was afflicted with, Lisa could sense somewhere deep within herself that every time she helped Sayo, she was secretly hoping for some kind of return.

What kind of shape that return might take, Lisa had no clue. She just knew that when it came to Sayo, no matter how much fun it was just being together, she couldn't stop herself from wanting more.

_Sayo. How would you react if I tried to close the distance between us even more? Would you pull back? Or would you invite me in?_

"Is everything all right? You seem a little bit out of it." As though she'd sensed Lisa thinking about her, Sayo called out to her gently, a quizzical look on her face. In her right hand she was holding a chocolate ice cream cone that she'd stingily refused to give Lisa a bite of earlier.

"I'm fine. Just got a little lost in thought for a second."

"Were you worrying about something?"

"I was worrying about how tasty your ice cream looks!" Lisa grinned at Sayo, who gave her an annoyed look back. It seemed as though she wasn't thrilled about having her question dodged, but unfortunately for Sayo, this wasn't something Lisa could be fully honest with her about.

"Chisato and I were just talking a bit while you guys were in the haunted house and it gave me something to think about, I guess. That's all, really!"

"Did she say something rude to you again?"

"Of course not! We're getting along great now. I feel like I understand her a lot better than I did before." That last part, at the very least, wasn't a lie.

Sayo still looked vaguely unsatisfied, but she shifted her gaze forward again and quickened her walking pace slightly, trying to catch up to the other three girls in front of them.

It wasn't a crowded day in the amusement park, exactly, but a steady stream of people flowed in both directions on the main path they were walking down. As the two of them weaved their way through the throng, using Aya's hair as a marker to not lose sight of the rest of their group, Sayo bumped into the arm of a young man quickly walking the other way. Momentarily losing her balance, she held an arm out and quickly regained it, but not before the ice cream cone in her right hand lovingly caressed her white shirt.

"Ah," she said with a mix of surprise and disappointment, stopping immediately. The man she'd bumped into stopped as well, looking apologetic.

"I'm really sorry for bumping into you. Is there anything I can do to make it up? Like buying you a new ice cream, or paying for your shirt cleaning…?"

Sayo was staring at her shirt blankly, unresponsive, so Lisa took the opportunity to step in for her. "I think we're all right, thank you. It should come out pretty easily so there's no need to really worry about that."

The man hesitated for a second, then nodded, apologizing once more, and walked off. Lisa directed Sayo in the direction of the nearest bathroom, rummaging through her bag as she did so.

"Did… you mean what you said about the stain coming out?" Sayo asked, sounding dejected.

"Of course! I've got some portable stain remover in here, so we can just put that on and wash it later and it should come out normally. I brought an extra sweater in case it got cold later so you can just wear that for now. Sound okay?"

"Yes. Thank you very much." Sayo looked extremely relieved. "As always, I'm grateful at how reliable you are."

"I just don't like to get into bad situations, you know? You can't ever be too prepared." Lisa smiled in Sayo's direction. "You really like that shirt, though, huh?"

"…I'd feel bad if anything I owned got damaged. Isn't that normal?"

"Hmm, I guess that makes sense. But at the very least, Sayo," Lisa said, readjusting the ribbon on Sayo's ponytail, "I'd personally feel bad if you couldn't wear this shirt anymore. I like the way it looks on you."

"Would you rather I consulted you every morning so I could pick the clothes that you like best?"

"Wow, Sayo, you really come up with some good ideas sometimes!"

Sayo sighed and finished eating her ice cream. The two of them were standing in front of the women's restroom, which, despite how crowded the rest of the park had been, was deserted. Lisa made to hand over the stain remover and sweater from her bag, and Sayo frowned for a second as she tried to figure out how she was going to balance all of that with her own belongings.

"Want me to come in with you?" Lisa offered. "It might make things easier."

Sayo hesitated for a second, then nodded. "I think you're right. Thank you."

The two of them crammed into the restroom, which despite being larger than a typical single stall could hardly be considered spacious. Sayo hung her bag on the hook on the wall and looked towards Lisa, a somewhat expectant look on her face.

"Take this stuff. I'll untie your shirt for you."

Sayo obediently turned her back toward Lisa. With the kind of ease that came from having done the same kind of thing for her friends countless times over the years, Lisa deftly undid the tie on her left shoulder. Half of Sayo's shirt fell down towards her waist, and Lisa's hands, which had been about to move to Sayo's other shoulder, stopped.

Compared to the kind of women who got featured in swimsuits on the front pages of magazines at the convenience store, Sayo's torso was skinnier and bonier, her shoulderblades jutting out from her back and the faint outline of her ribs visible. Which wasn't to say that Sayo wasn't pretty. Quite the opposite. Something about the lines of her exposed neck, her slender shoulder with skin slightly lighter in color than that on her forearms, the way the band of her bra just slightly dug into her side… suddenly, the restroom started to feel hotter and more cramped than it had just a second before.

Lisa tentatively reached out a hand towards Sayo's shoulder once again, drawn in by the soft, warm skin of the girl in front of her. As though drawing a picture on a fogged windowpane, she slowly ran her fingers down Sayo's front, from the bony protrusion of her collarbone to the first faint sensation of her ribs to the softness of her chest, just above her bra—

Sayo whirled around and grabbed Lisa's wrist, her expression a combination of fury and deep embarrassment. "Did you offer to help just so you could tease me like this? How far do you have to go before you'll be satisfied?"

Lisa took a step back, raising her other hand in a gesture of non-aggression. "Sorry, Sayo, I really didn't mean to…"

"I'll do the rest myself. Turn the other way." Sayo shoved the sweater back into Lisa's arms, and Lisa had no choice but to oblige her. After Sayo had, judging from what Lisa could hear, finished undressing and spraying the stain remover on her shirt, the sweater was once again removed from her grip. There was another series of rustling sounds, and then Sayo spoke, voice cold.

"Let's go."

Once they'd gotten outside, Lisa, unable to bear the awkward atmosphere any longer, opened her mouth again. "Sayo, um, I really am sorry."

"There are some things you shouldn't do even as a joke." Sayo was walking slightly further ahead of Lisa than she had been when they'd come over here, but Lisa felt no inclination to try and catch up to her.

_A joke, huh._ Sayo had assumed from the start that Lisa touching her had just been an extension of her usual teasing. To be fair, it made sense. Why would you do that kind of thing to one of your friends if you weren't joking around?

But Lisa knew that in that moment, no part of her mind had been thinking about teasing Sayo and enjoying her reaction. She'd just been single-mindedly focused on how much she'd wanted to feel Sayo's skin.

A feeling that even now, after she'd been so soundly rejected, still lingered within her.

She stretched out her left hand and stared at it, then slowly brought it to her lips. The faint aroma of chocolate wafted through the air, and she found herself unable to stand any longer and squatted by the side of the pathway, possessed by a sudden urge to dump the ice cream she'd just finished eating right back out onto the sidewalk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time: taking a break for some tea and sandwiches


	5. Ripples on a Still Pond (I)

_It's spring. Sayo stares at the target and draws her bowstring but the arrow lands off, again. Her concentration is fully broken. She sighs and goes to grab a drink, wiping the sweat off of her forehead, when someone calls out to her._

_"Hey! Hikawa! I came for a quick visit."_

_"…Captain. Hello."_

_"Captain, huh? It's been a while since anyone called me that." The former middle school kyudo captain is a tall, energetic girl with a broad smile and a loosely bound ponytail that always seems as though it's about to come apart. "Come to think of it, are you the captain now that you're a third year?"_

_"I decided not to run for it."_

_"I see." The captain glances around the dojo, eyes alighting on the fallen arrows. "Oh, unusual for you to miss that many shots. Something bothering you?"_

_Sayo doesn't reply, and after a second the captain grins._

_"You sad because_ _██████ graduated?_ _"_

_"…Not really."_

_"It's fine! It's normal to be sad about that kind of thing. But it's not like you're never going to see each other again, right?"_

_Sayo sticks out her bottom lip slightly and stares at the ground._

_"She's not been responding to my messages lately…"_

_The captain takes a step back and scratches her head. "One of those situations, huh? That's real tough." She thinks for a second and then continues. "She might just be a little busy at the start of high school, so I wouldn't give up just yet, but… sometimes people do change, and things can't always be the way they were. It's sure happened to me before."_

_"If I'd known it was going to end up like this, I wouldn't have become friends with her in the first place."_

_The captain smiles and ruffles Sayo's hair with her hand. "You always act so grown-up that sometimes I forget you're still just a kid, Hikawa. I know it hurts now, but it's not the end of the world, you know?"_

_Sayo pushes away the captain's hand roughly. "Why do people always talk like they know everything about me?"_

_"Sorry, sorry. But I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it. You can be a little difficult sometimes, but you're a good girl, Hikawa. You'll definitely find plenty more friends like her. I promise."_

_Sayo stares at the ground again, trying to hold back the tears welling up in her eyes. The captain sighs, then smiles and hugs her tight._

The weeks after their trip to the amusement park were surprisingly uneventful. Sayo's anger had faded in a couple of days, and, as September passed and the day of the cultural festival grew nearer, an atmosphere of nervous excitement began to form around their practices.

Lisa was, for her part, being exceedingly careful. In the moment, she'd been terrified that what had happened at the amusement park had created some kind of irreversible rift between her and Sayo, and even though that had clearly not happened the fear hadn't quite disappeared. The jokes, the teasing, the casual physical intimacy—it wasn't as though she'd stopped them entirely, but they'd taken on a more restrained form. She liked Sayo too much to drive her off by doing something dumb, after all.

The first real challenge to her resolve came a couple of days before the cultural festival, when she, Aya, and Kanon were eating lunch together on a cooler-than-usual late September day off from school.

"Did you see this picture of the costumes, Kanon? Seems like they just got done today and they look super cute! I can't wait to wear them!" Aya proudly pushed her phone in Kanon's direction.

"Oh, they do look cute… I didn't realize we had someone that talented in our class."

"What's this about?" Lisa asked, unable to contain her curiosity.

"Our class is doing a maid cafe!" Aya responded, beaming. "There's a girl in our class who's really good at sewing, so she helped make the outfits for us."

"…We made a deal with her where if she worked on the outfits she wouldn't actually have to wear them," Kanon added with an awkward smile.

"A maid cafe, huh… I didn't know that was what you guys were doing. So that means Sayo is too?"

"I don't know if she was too happy about it, but she's participating too. So is Chisato, um, in theory." She'd never actually say it, but it seemed as though her classmates had given Kanon no small amount of trouble over this situation.

"You should make sure to show up, Lisa! I'll make sure to give you my best maid service!" Aya struck another one of her mysterious poses, and Lisa laughed.

"I'll think about it."

Given how late she'd learned about the maid cafe, it seemed likely that Sayo had purposefully elected to not tell Lisa what her class was doing. Which meant, essentially, that she didn't want Lisa to come.

Under normal circumstances Lisa would've just shown up anyway. Sure, Sayo might be annoyed with her in the moment, but that would soon fade into a memory she could good-naturedly tease Sayo about later, wouldn't it? But these days, that action seemed to carry significantly more risk than it had seemed to at one time.

Surely if she said what she was thinking out loud to Kanon and Aya they would… well, not laugh, they were too nice for that, but at the very least give her a puzzled look. _Is it really something to be that worried about?,_ they might say, or maybe _You two already get along so well I don't think something like this is going to change anything,_ or maybe _Even if something bad happens, can't you just apologize and make up?_ All of them reasonable, normal responses to the situation, but Lisa couldn't quite shake the fear that what she had with Sayo might suddenly and unceremoniously vanish if she did the wrong thing.

And yet, despite all of that, here she was, on the day of the cultural festival, staring slightly nervously into the door of Sayo's second-year classroom. For a second she wavered, briefly considering whether she should just go walk around and make up some excuse as to why she hadn't come to her friends' class, but before she could make her escape Aya called out to her.

"Lisa! Thanks for showing up!" Aya waved energetically in Lisa's direction, and Lisa tentatively entered into the classroom. Both Aya and Kanon were wearing frilly black-and-white uniforms that, much as they'd said the other day, seemed both cute and well-made, although that, in Lisa's opinion, didn't necessarily make them any less embarrassing to wear. Not that Aya didn't do much more embarrassing things on a regular basis without breaking a sweat.

Guided by Aya, Lisa sat down at one of the tables (which seemed to be a couple of desks covered by a tablecloth) and gazed around the room as Aya vanished into the storage room next door. There was no sign of Sayo or Chisato.

"Chisato said she had an urgent meeting suddenly show up this morning so she couldn't make it," Kanon said, sitting down across from Lisa.

"…She must be really busy, huh."

Kanon smiled at Lisa's dubious tone of voice. "Don't worry, she won't miss our concert. She's not the kind of person who'd do something like that."

Lisa felt somewhat self-conscious about asking after Sayo, but fortunately Kanon seemed to sense what she was thinking anyway.

"Sayo's in the back room helping to prepare the tea and sandwiches. I think Aya's going to bring her out for you."

…Was it that obvious that Lisa had come here to see Sayo? Despite herself, Lisa felt a little embarrassed at how easy-to-read she seemed to be.

Kanon smiled again, gently. "She was asking earlier if we thought you were going to come. I think she'll be happy to see you."

"That'd be nice. She didn't even tell me you guys were doing this, though, so I don't know…" Lisa could tell Kanon was trying to cheer her up, but her nervousness still refused to go away.

"I understand that, but… I think you can trust us on this one, Lisa." Kanon stood up and glanced over at the door. "I think they're done preparing, so I'll leave you two to it."

Lisa looked over in the same direction, where Sayo, wearing the same frilly outfit that the others were (although much less naturally) was entering the classroom, carrying a metal tray. Their eyes met and both of them froze for a second before Sayo, somewhat awkwardly, resumed walking towards Lisa's table.

"Here you are, milady. Tea and sandwiches," she said, setting down the tray in front of Lisa. "Would you like any milk or sugar?"

"Rather than milk or sugar, I think what would make my tea taste best is the company of a cute maid." Even as the words left her mouth, Lisa wondered if she was going too far again. "So, um, how about it?"

Sayo looked at her for a second and then nodded. "I'll go fetch Aya from the back room."

"W-wait!" Lisa felt a rush of desperation as Sayo began to turn her back. But as Sayo turned to look back at her, that desperation quickly evaporated upon seeing Sayo's expression.

A slight, faintly teasing smile. The kind Lisa couldn't remember Sayo making in front of her before. A mix of relief and embarrassment washed over her, and she covered her face in her hands.

Sayo pulled out the chair Kanon had been sitting in and sat down herself, unable to stifle her laughter.

"You're terrible, Sayo. Who would employ such a rude maid?"

"I'm sorry. Considering I'm always on the receiving end, I thought I'd try something of my own, but I didn't think you'd take it so seriously."

Lisa groaned. Had she really been overthinking her relationship with Sayo this whole time?

"Is it okay for you to spend time talking to me?"

"I suppose it's a little uncouth for a maid to eat lunch at the same table as her employer, but we're not thinking about things quite that—"

"Not that! Aren't you supposed to be working?" Had Sayo always been the kind of person to joke around like this?

"It's about time I took my break, so there's not a problem." Sayo reached to grab a sandwich off of the tray at the same time Lisa did, and for a second their hands bumped against each other. Instinctively, Lisa pulled hers back, tomatoes dropping onto the tablecloth as she did so.

"S-sorry!" Things really weren't going well for her today, were they. She was trying her best not to seem strange, and, by doing so, coming off as even stranger than usual.

Sayo tilted her head slightly to the side, looking puzzled. "Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little nervous, I guess."

"About the concert?"

"Um, something like that." Saying that she was nervous about talking to Sayo definitely seemed like the wrong thing to do. And this wasn't entirely a lie—Lisa's lack of confidence in her playing, particularly in front of a crowd, still lingered in the back of her head, growing slightly stronger as the concert approached.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I might ask you a little bit later. Thanks, Sayo." Well, even if today's Sayo was a little bit more aggressive with the teasing, her kind core was still intact. That, more than anything, helped calm Lisa's nerves.

By the time she and Sayo finished eating, the number of visitors had died down and the Hanasakigawa students were making preparations to switch over to the next shift. With Lisa following behind, Sayo returned to the back room, where Aya hastily stopped her from changing out of her maid uniform.

"You can't change without us taking pictures, Sayo! How else are we going to remember this day?"

"Isn't it fine if we don't remember it?" Sayo replied, grumpily, but did as she was told and straightened her outfit. Lisa was secretly glad that Aya had taken the initiative in suggesting they take pictures, because she both really wanted pictures of Sayo and really wanted to avoid incurring Sayo's disfavor because she'd asked about it.

As expected from Aya, the number of pictures she wanted to take—a selfie with the four of them, a picture of her and Kanon doing one of Aya's many goofy poses, a picture of Sayo carrying a tray, a picture of the tea set, a picture of Lisa and Sayo sitting at a table together—was almost more than even Lisa had energy for. Sayo, clearly tired, was trying to sneak away from their group when Aya spoke up once again.

"Okay, one last set! Lisa, there's an extra uniform over here that I think should fit you…"

"Wait, me? Um, I don't know that we need to do that. Those kinds of clothes are, um, not really my style, so I'm not sure they'd suit me, and, um, well—"

"I really want to see you as a maid, Lisa! It'll definitely suit you, and all of us being maids together will boost our morale for the concert later. I promise!" Aya winked awkwardly.

"I agree. I'm suddenly very interested in seeing how you look in it."

"Sayo, you too? Fine, but I'm going to need to make sure you don't let these pictures get out, Aya!"

Aya laughed in a way that Lisa found very unreassuring.

The light music club's club room was cramped and silent, a thin layer of dust covering the jumbled cords and equipment placed haphazardly throughout the room. The Hanasakigawa girls had a few last tasks to complete as part of their festival duties, and so Lisa was waiting here until it was time for everyone to warm up together. It wasn't an entirely unpleasant feeling. Something about this space felt, despite the dust, lived-in, as though the silence in the room, rather than being empty and oppressive, was the silence of a friend quietly sitting next to you.

Absentmindedly, she flipped through the pictures from earlier on her phone. Three maids and Lisa. Aya and Kanon together. The two of them with Sayo. Lisa with her arm around Sayo's shoulder. Sayo pouring a cup of tea. Lisa and an embarrassed Sayo making a heart with their hands.

Lisa's gaze lingered on that last picture. In the end, how much of Sayo going along with what Lisa wanted to do was just her being kind? Was she thinking that if she just endured a handful of embarrassing things she would be able to placate Lisa? That line of thinking made sense, but if Sayo thought Lisa was going to be satisfied with just that much she was making an error in judgment.

The more Sayo gave, the more Lisa wanted. How long that cycle would continue, even she wasn't sure.

_If I make this picture my lock screen, would she be upset…_ she wondered, idly, then stiffened at the unexpected noise of the door opening behind her.

"…Oh, it's just you." Lisa relaxed upon seeing the person who'd entered the club room.

"That's a bit of a rude welcome, isn't it? Aren't you happy to see me?" Chisato laid her bass down against the wall, peering over Lisa's shoulder as she did so. "Seems like you enjoyed yourselves earlier."

"How did your, uh, work go?"

"It went well." Chisato smiled in Lisa's direction. "It's an unfortunate nature of the profession I'm in that sometimes I'm not able to spend as much time with my precious high school classmates as I'd like to. We all have to make sacrifices, though, I suppose."

"I'm sure the others wouldn't mind wearing their costumes again later if you wanted to make up for what you missed."

"Your offer is much appreciated, but I just feel it wouldn't be quite the same trying to recapture the feeling after the fact," Chisato said, still smiling. If Lisa wanted to make Chisato flustered, she was going to have to try harder, it seemed.

A brief silence followed, and then Chisato spoke up again. "You don't seem quite as obnoxiously cheerful as you usually are. Did something happen?"

Lisa sighed, and then hesitantly began to speak. "I'm just not confident that things are going to go that well. Both the concert and, um, something else."

"So even you have those kinds of worries. I'm a little surprised."

"What kind of person did you think I was?" Despite herself, Lisa let a tinge of frustration enter her voice. Why was it that every time she talked to this girl, things turned out like this?

"I thought you just pushed as hard as you could until eventually everything worked out for you."

"That's not true. And even if I was that kind of person, the reason I'm worried now is because I might have pushed too hard and caused things to go badly…"

"I see." Chisato gave a knowing smile that did nothing to lessen Lisa's frustration with her. "Do you mind if I talk about my dog for a second?"

"…Go ahead."

"Sometimes, he's just so excited to see me when I come home that he goes a little too far and knocks me down, or licks my face, or does something else that I'd rather he didn't do. In those situations, I have no choice but to scold him, and while in that moment he looks at me like it's the end of the world, it isn't as though I'm holding some grudge against him. In fact, if because of that he were to suddenly stop greeting me at all, I'd start feeling a little lonely. Does that make sense?"

"Are you trying to compare me to a dog?"

"Of course not. I just enjoy having someone I can talk about Leon with, that's all." At some point Chisato's smile had changed into something a little more teasing. "You're a lot more likeable when you're losing your composure like this, you know?"

Lisa glared at Chisato, then turned her gaze back to her phone. Well, looking at it one way, Chisato was trying to give her advice, even if the form wasn't exactly what Lisa might have been hoping for. Maybe it was true that Sayo wasn't actually as upset as she'd seemed to be about Lisa taking things too far.

But what, in the end, was Lisa to Sayo? It was easy to accept that Sayo was lonely, but thinking that Sayo was lonely because she felt a distance between herself and Lisa, or that by being by Sayo's side Lisa could lessen Sayo's loneliness… somehow, to Lisa, that seemed awfully conceited.

On her phone's screen, Sayo's embarrassed face stared back at Lisa. In the moment they'd taken this photo, what had Sayo been thinking? Lisa couldn't decide whether she was desperate to know or terrified to find out.

She sighed, and the dust on a nearby amplifier gently flew into the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kikka satsuki and itomugi-kun (@AKI_kikumugi on twitter) just finished their sayolisa fic HATEがない this past week and i really can't recommend it highly enough if you can read japanese. the premise just allows for so many interesting and thought-provoking scenarios, and the last chapter in particular is exactly the kind of emotionally crushing yet hopeful stuff i live for. 
> 
> next time on this fic: distance


	6. Ripples on a Still Pond (II)

This was far from the first time Lisa had ever performed in front of a group of people. In the first place, she wasn't the kind of person who got nervous in front of crowds; rather, the feeling of having so many people engaged in her performance usually gave her the boost of energy she needed to get herself fired up.

But for some reason, whether it was her worries about Sayo or her lack of confidence in her own skill, she couldn't help but feel nervous. And not the good kind of nervous tension that could almost be mistaken for excitement, but the unpleasant, nauseating kind that felt like it was sapping her strength.

She took a deep breath and attempted to calm herself down, but the swirling thoughts in her head refused to subside. Sayo and the others had been kind, but there was surely an insurmountable chasm of skill Lisa needed to cross in order to be able to perform in front of a crowd, a chasm she was still on the far side of. In this performance, it would finally become obvious how much trouble she'd caused the others, how unfit she was to stand next to them, how Sayo really just—

The sensation of a hand on her shoulder interrupted her thoughts, and she stiffened.

"Is everything all right?" Sayo's voice sounded gentler than usual to Lisa's nerve-wracked ears. In the dimly lit area behind the stage, her pale green hair almost seemed as though it was glowing.

Lisa placed her hand over Sayo's and said nothing.

"We practiced the way we planned to play at our concert, didn't we? So by that logic, then…"

"…the concert will go the way we practiced?"

"You seem to understand." Sayo smiled at Lisa, a hint of fire in her eyes that, for some reason, reminded Lisa of Yukina. It was the kind of expression that made Lisa feel like no matter what happened, Sayo would make things work out.

Maybe Sayo, like Yukina, was the kind of person who truly shined on stage. Lisa had wondered if that might be the case from the first time she'd heard Sayo's guitar playing.

But at the same time, she had a feeling she couldn't be much of an objective judge of that. After all, even when Sayo wasn't on stage, she'd begun to sparkle in Lisa's eyes.

"You really think it'll be all right?"

"I'm not the kind of person to say things that I don't believe." Squeezing Lisa's hand one last time, she turned toward the others. "Shall we go?"

In the end, there was just something special about music, wasn't there. In this moment, sweat trickling down her face, breathing heavy, adrenaline still coursing through her veins, Lisa felt that more deeply than she'd ever felt it before. Glancing to her left towards Sayo, who seemed to be in a similar state, a smile leapt unbidden to her lips. Was this what it meant to be part of something greater than yourself? Surely, if it had just been her standing up on stage, she wouldn't be feeling like this. Aya, Chisato, Kanon, Sayo… even now, it felt as though they were somehow connected to each other, like a feeling this vivid must be because she was receiving five people's worth of emotions at once.

It was as Sayo had said. The concert _had_ gone the way they'd practiced. The hours of work they'd put into these songs had soaked not just into her brain but somewhere deeper inside her consciousness as well, turning the concert into a blur of muscle memory and raw emotion. There was no time to think about being nervous because there was no time to _think_. The concert felt simultaneously burned into her memory and strangely fuzzy, bright splashes of emotion that had trouble coalescing into a coherent form.

They bowed and thanked the audience and walked off the stage, Lisa still filled with a pulsing energy she no longer had an outlet for. As her heartbeat slowed, she noticed a stinging pain in one of her fingers and stared blankly at the welling blood. She hadn't even realized she'd cut herself, and even now it only vaguely seemed as though the blood on her finger was her own.

"I have some bandages in my bag once we get back to the club room," Sayo said from beside her.

"Oh, thanks!" Lisa laughed. "For some reason, you feel really reliable today, Sayo."

"Am I not usually reliable?" Sayo frowned at Lisa. The fire Lisa had seen in her eyes earlier had faded to embers, but faint remnants of the passion she'd shown on stage still flitted in the air around Sayo. Compared to her previous overwhelming energy, this was more of a pleasant, lively warmth, similar to the kind of atmosphere around Yukina Lisa had loved to bask in after her childhood friend's performances.

"Of course you are! I don't know, something just feels special about you today."

Sayo gave her a perplexed look, and Lisa just grinned back at her. In front of them, Aya and Kanon were hugging Chisato, who was making a show of her displeasure but not actually doing a whole lot to resist.

"Hey, Sayo."

"What is it?"

"I kind of think I might love playing guitar."

"Is that so."

"What about you?"

"…I suppose I'm more attached to it than I thought I was at one point."

Lisa laughed. "That's a very Sayo-like answer, you know?"

"Is that a compliment?" The frown returned to Sayo's face.

"I guess whether it's a compliment or not depends on what the person saying it thinks about Hikawa Sayo, doesn't it?"

Sayo sighed and quickened her walking pace. _So she's not gonna respond, huh,_ Lisa thought, a little disappointed. Maybe the era in which Sayo would willingly jump into Lisa's teasing had come to an end.

Back in the light music club's clubroom, Aya stared lovingly at the commemorative photo she'd just taken. "Don't you guys think we had some real unforgettable high school experiences today? There was this drama Chisato was in last year—the one with the cooking club and the love triangle—that really made me think about what I wanted to do with my high school years. I think today was an important step towards making these three years memorable!" She looked up from her phone at the rest of them, expectantly.

"I think it's going to be a little bit difficult to try and set up a love triangle, but I'll do my best to try and help you out."

"Chisato! That wasn't the part I meant… well, I guess romance is kind of a classic high school experience too, but I was more thinking of spending time with friends!"

Lisa idly wondered if Aya knew that her exaggerated reactions every time someone teased her were exactly why she kept being targeted. Sayo, it seemed, was starting to learn that, but Lisa had a suspicion that no matter how long it took Aya never would. Which was, in itself, part of her charm, Lisa supposed.

"Well, anyway," Aya continued, "speaking of spending time with friends, what're everyone's plans after this? Kanon and I were thinking about going around and checking out what everyone's doing this year. You're all welcome to tag along if you'd like!"

"I'm not particularly busy this week, so I wouldn't mind going around the festival with you. It's one of our precious high school memories, isn't it?" A faint smirk flashed across Chisato's face.

Both Kanon and Aya looked taken aback.

"What?" Chisato asked, sharply. "Did you think I was just going to leave? I wouldn't have shown up today if I had absolutely no interest in the cultural festival, you know."

"It's not that, Chisato." Kanon's tone was warm and soothing. "We were just a little surprised to hear you say you weren't very busy, that's all. Since you're always working so hard."

"…The way things are looking, I might end up with a lot more free time on my hands soon." It was impossible to tell from Chisato's expression and tone of voice exactly how she felt about what she was saying, and an awkward silence ensued as everyone considered how best to respond.

It was Sayo who spoke next. "The student council asked if I could help with a few things regarding the management of the festival, so I'm not certain I'll be able to join all of you."  
"Aww, I was really hoping we could get everyone together…" Aya looked crestfallen.

"Do you think you could maybe get them to let you off early?" Lisa asked.

Sayo frowned again. "…Is it really that important that I be there?"

"I was really looking forward to going around the festival with you, Sayo! You guys felt the same way, right?"

Aya and Kanon vigorously nodded in support of Lisa's statement.

Sayo sighed. "I'll see what I can do to make things quick. You can go ahead without me."

She strode purposefully out of the room, the faint scent of her shampoo lingering in the air behind her. Lisa turned to the others with a grin.

"She really likes spending time with you guys more than she'll admit, doesn't she?"

Chisato gave Lisa a strange look but said nothing.

On her way back from the bathroom, Lisa took her time, slowly glancing around the hallway at the various colorful signs advertising each booth. Plenty of old standards like haunted houses, a handful of more unusual exhibitions like the occult research club's fortune telling, and a healthy number of food stalls all lent a lively sense of cheer to Hanasakigawa's otherwise-unremarkable classrooms.

It was in front of one of those aforementioned food stalls, a first-year classroom with cutely illustrated pictures of baked goods adorning its door, that a seemingly panicking first-year student was crouching in the hallway, holding her head.

"Is everything all right?" Lisa asked gently, crouching down next to her.

The girl slowly raised her head, her bangs in disarray. "It's kind of a disaster, honestly. The only girl in our class who really knew what she was doing with regards to cooking couldn't come, and now I don't think any of the things we've made are fit to serve people…"

Lisa felt a twinge of sympathy. It was difficult to be in a situation where something was expected of you that was just simply beyond your abilities, and even more so when it was in a place like this one. The unforgettable high school memories Aya had spoken so proudly of earlier could just as easily turn into embarrassing ones, and if there was something Lisa could do to help these kids avoid that, she wanted to.

"I've got a decent amount of experience baking, so if you'd like I can try and offer you some advice."

The first-year girl's face brightened instantly. "Really? If you don't mind, we'd really appreciate it!"

 _Just a quick bit of advice,_ Lisa told herself as she entered the classroom. _If I can just set them on the right track and go meet up with everyone else, that'll be fine._

"So, what recipe were you using? I think it'd be easiest to start giving advice from that."

"Um… I'm not sure that we had one?" one of the girls answered, sheepishly.

...It seemed setting these students on the right track would take a little more effort than Lisa had thought.

Lisa's phone buzzed as she was demonstrating the best way to crack eggs, and she hurried over to the sink to wash her hands before pulling it out of her pocket. It was from Sayo.

_I just finished up my work but didn't see you with the others. Where are you?_

Lisa thought for a second before quickly replying. _I got a little bit sidetracked helping out some first-years. In a couple minutes I should be able to meet up with you guys!_

As she put her phone back into her pocket, she noticed out of the corner of her eye a girl pouring flour and sugar into a mixing bowl without measuring them first and sighed. If she just left them here, there was no way these girls would manage to make something fit to sell to people; it would be as though she hadn't even bothered to help at all. More than anything, that still sat wrong with Lisa, and she, once more, gently prepared to explain exactly why you needed to be precise with measurements in baking.

A short time later, her phone buzzed again. _Is everything going all right?_ read Sayo's message.

 _Just a little bit longer,_ Lisa replied. _Feel free to enjoy yourself with the other three while I'm not there! You don't get a lot of opportunities to do something like this, after all._

Looking at it one way, maybe this was a blessing in disguise, a way for Sayo to strengthen her bonds with the other Hanasakigawa girls without Lisa getting in the way. It wasn't as though Lisa was Sayo's only friend, after all. The confident, reliable, passionate girl who Lisa had just seen on stage was surely the kind of person who would be able to enjoy herself regardless of what set of people she was with.

And Lisa still found herself preoccupied with what had happened at the amusement park. Instinctively, whenever she was feeling unsure of herself, or needed the advice of someone trustworthy, or just simply wanted some company, she found herself reaching out to Sayo. And Sayo, no matter how much she might grumble, accepted Lisa without fail. But was there a point, if Lisa relied on Sayo too much, where that patience would wear thin? Where the damage might end up being more permanent than it had been before? If that was the case, then it was better to just make sure that that didn't happen, even if it meant Lisa couldn't spend quite as much time with Sayo as she might like. The distance between them was comfortable. Happy. There was no real reason to want any more than that.

She'd been staring at her blank phone screen in something of a daze, and nearly dropped it in surprise when it suddenly lit up. This time, the message was from Chisato.

_What exactly are you doing?_

Lisa cocked her head to the side, confused. It wasn't too hard to guess that Chisato was upset, but what in particular had angered her Lisa had no idea.

After a second, another message came.

_Sayo's gone. Was that what you wanted to happen?_

A feeling of dread sprouted in the pit of Lisa's stomach, growing larger and larger until it threatened to overwhelm her capacity for rational thought. She wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but there was no doubt that it was _wrong_. And if she left things as they were, that wrongness would only multiply.

Without saying so much as a word to the first-years she'd been helping, she tore off her borrowed apron and ran out the door.

Near the front gate, Aya and Kanon were standing with distinctly uncomfortable looks on their faces. Chisato's face, by contrast, reflected a kind of cold fury that sent a shiver down Lisa's spine. Despite the difference in their heights, she suddenly felt as though Chisato was towering over her.

Lisa looked nervously at the three girls in front of her, unsure of what exactly she should say. An awkward silence ensued, then Aya began to speak, haltingly. "Um, so, after Sayo showed up we picked up something to eat and were talking a little bit and looking around some of the booths outside, but she seemed a little bit distant and asked after you a couple of times. Then, about ten minutes ago she told us that she didn't think you were coming and also that she wasn't feeling well and was going to leave early… we weren't sure exactly what had happened."

"I felt like it was pretty obvious, myself." For maybe the first time, Lisa wished Chisato had chosen a less direct way of saying what she felt. Even insults wrapped in fake politeness would be preferable to the cold, scornful words she'd just tossed Lisa's direction.

"Lisa, you were helping out some first years, right? That's, um, what Sayo said." At Kanon's words, Lisa got the strange impression she'd been transported into the world of one of the police procedurals her parents liked and was being given the good cop/bad cop routine.

"…Their cooking project was going disastrously so I felt kind of obligated to step in and do something."

"You helped some girls you'd never met over spending time with your friends? How altruistic of you."

"Sorry, what do you—"

"Lisa." Chisato ignored Lisa's attempt to respond entirely. "The way I see it, you're either very cruel or very stupid."

Lisa remained silent, imagining for a second that Chisato's eyes were real amethysts that, though the force of her stare, had become lodged in Lisa's chest.

Chisato continued. "You convinced a girl to wander around the cultural festival, something she clearly had no real interest in doing, by telling her that you wanted to visit stalls together, and then abandoned her to the company of three other girls she couldn't really care less about. I really didn't peg you as the type for petty cruelty, but I find it equally difficult to believe that you could come this far and not realize what that girl thought about you."

"…Wait, is that… right?" Lisa stumbled over her words as her brain tried to process what Chisato had told her. "I mean, it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense that it would matter so much to Sayo whether or not I was there. Someone like me… I didn't want to get too full of myself and assume that she cared about me more than she did…"

The anger slowly drained from Chisato's face, and she let out a disgusted sigh. "I'll let you two deal with this," she said, stalking off past the school gate.

Aya gently wrapped her arms around Lisa. "Sorry, Lisa," she said softly. "Sometimes Chisato takes things a little too far."

Lisa buried her face in Aya's shoulder and tried not to cry. She felt like she could imagine Chisato's scornful words if she did: _What, you're crying? Even though_ you're _the one who hurt_ her _? I really can't stand girls like you, who think that if they just start crying they can avoid taking responsibility for their actions._

"No matter what happens," Aya continued, "you're important to me. As important as any of my friends. So don't say stuff like you're not sure about how much people really care about you. You'll make me sad, you know?"

"…You're really strong, you know that, Aya?"

Aya laughed. "Compared to someone like you, I've definitely never thought about myself that way. But if me being here helped you, then that makes me happy!"

 _I really don't deserve friends as nice as these,_ Lisa thought, and then stopped herself. That was the line of thinking that Aya had said would make her sad, and Lisa more than anything didn't want that.

From the side, Kanon spoke up. "Um, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I think you should make sure you go see Sayo sooner rather than later, Lisa. It's just a feeling, but I think the longer you wait the harder it's going to be to go back."

"…Right." As frightening as it was to think that Sayo might reject her, those feelings were overwhelmed by her guilt. No matter what happened, she wouldn't feel right if she couldn't properly apologize.

"Do you want me to call her for you? I'm a little worried she won't pick up if she sees it's from you…"

"Oh, good idea! I can't imagine anyone ever declining one of your calls, Kanon." Lisa extricated herself from Aya's arms and gave what she hoped didn't seem too forced of a smile in Kanon's direction.

Kanon, blushing slightly, dialed Sayo's number and then handed over the phone to Lisa.

Lisa could feel her heartbeat rising as one, two, three—the waiting really was the worst part—four rings passed, until finally she heard a familiar voice on the other end.

"Kanon? Did something happen?"

"…Hi, Sayo."

"Lisa." It was difficult to tell over the phone, but Sayo's voice seemed cold and emotionless.

"Where are you at right now? Is it okay if we talk in person?"

There was a long pause.

"About ten minutes' walk from Hanasakigawa there's a park. The others should know where it is. I'll be waiting there."

The call abruptly ended. Lisa sighed and handed Kanon her phone back.

It was too early to be convinced that anything was going to work out in Lisa's favor. But nevertheless, a tiny candle had begun to steadily, hopefully burn inside of her.

The park Sayo had mentioned was slightly out of the way, and because of that peacefully empty despite it being a pleasant early October day. Off to the side, a small, sun-worn gazebo had been erected, and it was there that Sayo was standing, her thin frame seeming particularly frail and lonely to Lisa's eyes. Even as Lisa walked up to her, her gaze remained fixed on the ground.

"Sayo."

There was no response, and Lisa, as gently as she could, laid a hand on Sayo's shoulder. "Sayo, I really am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You know I wouldn't ever do something like that on purpose."

"…Do I?"

"Sayo?"

"I'm not doubting your intentions, necessarily, but… sometimes, I just don't know. I can't tell if your words mean what I think they mean, or if I'm just interpreting them in a way that lines up with my own preconceptions. I can't tell if your voice in my head is really you talking, or my subconscious just putting words in your mouth. And then, because of something I have no way of knowing is real, I end up running off and sulking like this. Pitiful, isn't it?"

 _We really are the same, aren't we,_ Lisa suddenly realized. Both she and Sayo, when it came down to it, really didn't know anything about each other, even though they though they did. And precisely because they didn't know anything, they ended up hurting each other despite their best intentions.

"But, Lisa." Sayo raised her head and met Lisa's gaze, still looking somewhat unsteady. "I really did want to walk around the festival with you. When you said that you were looking forward to going around the stalls with me, I can't deny that I felt legitimately happy."

"Sayo…"

"Am I an idiot for reading that intent into your words?"

"No, not at all! I really did mean that when I said it. I wouldn't have said I was looking forward to spending time with you if it wasn't true."

"Then… more than anyone, was I the person you wanted to go around the festival with?"

"Geez, Sayo. Were you really this selfish of a girl the whole time?" Lisa grinned at Sayo, trying to keep her tone as gentle as she could.

Despite that, Sayo turned her gaze back towards the ground, a sulky look returning to her face. Lisa sighed slightly and squeezed one of Sayo's hands.

"Sorry, Sayo. It's like you said. More than anyone, the person I wanted to spend time with today was you."

Sayo's face was still pointed towards the ground, but to Lisa's eyes she seemed notably relieved compared to earlier.

"…Thank you." Her voice was quiet and fragile, to the point where Lisa had to strain her ears to make it out. On the one hand, this brittle, lonely girl who sulked when her friends wouldn't pay attention to her seemed like an entirely different person from the fiery performer who'd captivated the audience up on stage. But the more Lisa thought about it, the more both girls seemed fully and completely Sayo. The Sayo Lisa was unable to leave alone, and the Sayo Lisa was unable to tear her eyes away from.

She took hold of Sayo's other hand, which compared to Lisa's slightly cool fingers exuded a faint warmth.

"I feel like I should thank you too, Sayo. All this time, I've been worried that you might have gotten fed up with me."

Sayo raised her head slowly, a somewhat confused look on her face. "In what way?"

"Remember, you got upset at me when we were at the amusement park? Ever since then I thought that, well, maybe I'd done something our friendship couldn't come back from."

"You were worried over something like that?" Sayo sighed, less out of sadness than out of vague disappointment. "I thought that you'd been somewhat strange lately, but to think that that was the reason… I didn't think that you would end up taking what happened that hard. It wasn't as though I was seriously upset."

"No, but you seemed pretty upset at the time…" Lisa let out a laugh. What else could she do in this situation? "In the end, we really don't understand anything about each other, do we?"

"I suppose not." A faint smile graced Sayo's lips.

"But I really do want to understand you, Sayo. Much better than I do now." Lisa squeezed Sayo's hands tighter, as though by doing so some of the secrets she so desired might slip through Sayo's fingers.

After a brief silence, Sayo spoke up, voice once again hesitant. "I… want to say I feel the same way. But as much as I hate to admit it, I'm afraid. Afraid that the closer we get—the more important you become to me—the more I'll end up getting hurt in the end. Self-centered, I know, but the worry won't leave my head."

"…Here's what I think, Sayo." Lisa made sure to look Sayo straight in the eyes as she spoke. "I think we both ended up hurting each other not because we were too close, but because we weren't close enough. The better we understand each other, the more confident that we are that one of us won't betray the other, those problems will naturally fade away. Don't you think?"

Sayo nodded slowly, attempting to process what it was Lisa was trying to say. "Yes, you have a point. Maybe it's true that what caused our problems was us not trusting each other enough. If that's the case, then…" She trailed off, seemingly lost in thought.

Lisa felt a flash of guilt stab into her chest. She hadn't expected Sayo to agree with her so readily, in large part because she didn't fully agree with what she'd said herself. Certainly some of their problems were due to a lack of mutual trust and confidence in each other, but getting closer to Sayo didn't necessarily mean that both of them would stop being hurt. Where exactly the path they were about to embark on would take them, Lisa had no way of knowing; still, she suspected that this particular incident was not the last time they'd crash into each other, not the last set of bruises and scrapes they'd receive for their trouble.

And yet, as underhanded as she knew she was being by not mentioning that, the selfish part of her that wanted to get closer to Sayo, that was still, even after this conversation, terrified of losing her, convinced her that it was going to all be worth it. Sayo's anger, some bruised feelings, even something far worse than that—in Lisa's heart, those came nowhere close to outweighing what she stood to gain.

"Did you want to go back and visit the festival after all?" she asked, trying to steer the conversation back in a more cheery direction.

"Is it fine if we stay here for a little while?" The cloud that had covered Sayo's face earlier was now almost entirely gone, and her voice sounded refreshed and clear.

"Of course! I just still feel a little bad, you know… I mean, I didn't want to prevent you from doing something you said you were looking forward to doing."

"It wasn't that I was looking forward to the festival more than anything. It was… how should I put it. For some reason, when you're there with me, even things I would normally have no interest in suddenly seem more fun than I ever would have imagined a couple of months ago."

Sayo smiled, a genuinely bright and warm expression that made Lisa's chest tighten upon seeing it. From the first time she'd sensed Sayo's loneliness in the library, her real goal hadn't changed, she suddenly realized. She just wanted Sayo to be happy. To get to the point where Sayo's smile was an everyday occurrence, not a rare sighting. And seeing Sayo take steps in that direction, more than anything, tugged at her heartstrings.

The two of them stared out at the park, a gentle wind lightly caressing the vines crawling up the wood of the gazebo. Sayo brushed her hair out of her face and Lisa, despite the picturesque scenery, found her eyes drawn in her friend's direction.

…Saying that she just wanted Sayo to be happy was probably not exactly right. When Sayo had suggested that her happiness was a direct result of Lisa being by her side, Lisa had undeniably felt a rush of smug superiority flow through her. She wanted to be the one to make Sayo happy. And if she did that, then she might in turn be able to fill the parts of herself that were still empty.

She turned her attention back out onto the surrounding greenery. A handful of leaves, yellow and red, drifted slowly to the ground near her. The breeze tickled their faces once again, and Lisa could faintly sense an unusual scent, vaguely reminiscent of the poppy flower perfume her mother liked. With its dry, rustling voice, the wind whispered to her.

Somewhere, it said, despite the season, a new flower was about to bloom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've reached the end of what i guess is the first arc of this fic (?) which means that i really have to figure out what direction i'm going in with the rest of it. is there still time to make a hard turn into lisa/chisato...?
> 
> next time: what she really wants


	7. No Destination in Mind

As Sayo made her preparations to leave the studio, a reasonably fulfilling afternoon of practice complete, Marina called out to her from the front desk.

"Sayo! You have a moment?"

"What is it?" Sayo stopped, her curiosity piqued.

"I saw a recording of your performance the other day and it was great!" She gave Sayo a thumbs up. "There's a girl who practices here a lot who was looking for other talented, serious musicians and I ended up mentioning your name to her. If you're at all interested, she told me you should feel free to contact her."

Marina slid a slip of paper with a neatly transcribed phone number on it over the counter, and Sayo slowly picked it up, glancing it over as if looking at the sequence of digits might tell her something about the person whose phone they connected to.

"Thank you. I'll think about it."

"Have a nice evening!"

Sayo exited the studio and took a deep breath. The sun was on the verge of setting, and the guitar case on her back cast a long shadow across the pavement. Around this time, her parents would surely be preparing dinner, which meant it was in her best interest to hurry home.

But the rhythm of her footsteps remained slow, almost dawdling.

In the aftermath of the concert at the cultural festival, she'd thought she'd started to understand something about what the guitar meant to her. But as the days passed, it had become clear that even though one mystery might have been solved, several more had sprung up in its wake, greedily demanding that Sayo pay attention to them at what felt like all hours of the day.

The feeling of playing her guitar on stage had felt somehow _meaningful_ to her. For the first time, she'd felt like she might have found something she was passionate about, something that might help lift her out of the rigid monotony of her life up to this point.

But what form her future guitar playing might take, she had no clear idea. What was the goal she was chasing after? And what exactly about that performance had lit such a fire in her? Would calling the number she'd received from Marina open up a potential future path for her, or just send her on a wild goose chase?

She pulled out her phone and stared at it for a second, thinking, and then stuffed the piece of paper back into her pocket and chose a different number to call.

Almost immediately, it connected, an excited voice making its way into Sayo's ears. "Sayo? What's up? This might be the first time you've called me!"

"I just… had something I wanted to ask your advice on." Suddenly self-conscious, Sayo was grateful that her face wasn't visible to Lisa. "Apparently there's a girl who practices at CiRCLE often who's been looking for other serious musicians to play with, and Marina wanted to know if I might be interested…"

" _Are_ you interested?"

"I… can't say for sure. All I know is that playing at the cultural festival made me realize that I wanted to continue playing the guitar. To continue pursuing that feeling."

"You've gotten real passionate, huh, Sayo?" Lisa laughed. "When we first met, I couldn't have imagined you saying something like that about the guitar. Or anything, really."

Sayo was silent for a second in response. What Lisa had said wasn't wrong, exactly, but that wasn't the same as Sayo wanting to admit it.

"But to answer your question, I think it's worth a shot, Sayo. From the start, I always felt like you seemed… the most _you_ , I guess, when playing guitar, if that makes sense. So even if you don't know if this is the kind of person you want to play guitar with, you can't really say that for sure until you meet them, right?"

"I suppose there's no harm in doing it, no."

"I'm hoping things work out for you." Sayo thought she detected a hint of sadness in Lisa's voice, but it was quickly washed away by another wave of cheerful energy. "And I'm really happy that you came to me for advice! It's a nice feeling to have other people rely on you when they're worrying about something."

"Is it?" Sayo wasn't entirely certain she understood that feeling, not that she was the kind of person who others were likely to come to with their worries.

But, well, if it were Lisa who was coming to Sayo for advice… then, maybe, she had an idea about what Lisa was talking about.

"Are you coming back home from practicing by yourself? How did that go?"

"It went fairly well. It's hard to see marked improvement in just one practice, especially at this point; that's the kind of thing that is the result of continual, regular effort."

"That's the kind of answer I'd expect from you, I guess, but… don't you ever get discouraged because you feel like it's taking a long time to get better?"

"In times like that, all I have to do is compare my level of skill to that of a year ago, at which point it becomes clear how much progress I've made."

"Wow, the long-term view! I feel like the best I can do with regards to that is to start studying for an exam a couple of days before it happens…"

Somehow, the twenty-minute walk back from the studio turned into thirty-five minutes, and even that, to Sayo, was so quick as to seem instantaneous.

The next morning, an overcast weekend day on which Sayo had no particular plans, she found herself once again making a phone call, this time with somewhat clearer resolve than she had had the previous night. What exactly was going to come of following this thread, she was unclear on, but talking to Lisa had helped convince her that it might be a step in the right direction.

Leaning against her bed, she waited for her call to connect, running her fingers over the strings of her guitar as she did so. It seemed as though they might need to be replaced soon, she thought, mentally adding a trip to the music store to her to-do list.

"…Hello?" Sayo's thoughts were interrupted by a voice on the other side of the line.

"Hello. This is Hikawa Sayo. I heard from Marina at CiRCLE that you were looking for like-minded musicians…"

"Yes, I am. I wasn't sure if I'd find anyone suitable, but if she recommended you I suppose it's unlikely this will be a waste of time." The voice was cool and confident and Sayo had the vague impression she'd heard it before. "If you're free today, would you mind meeting to talk for a while? Of course, what I think would be best for measuring our compatibility would be to play together, but we can save that for later."

Where had Sayo heard this girl's voice before? Did she have a classmate who was into music without Sayo being aware of it? Or, perhaps, an acquaintance from middle school who'd changed a lot in the few years Sayo hadn't seen her?

"Of course. I'd be happy to meet with you."

"Do you know where Haneoka is? There's a coffee shop nearby the high school that I'll be waiting at at ten. I'm looking forward to meeting you in person, Sayo."

"I am as well—my apologies, I didn't catch your name—"

"…Minato Yukina."

At the mention of that name, Sayo felt her mind go blank. Somehow, it seemed, she'd managed to end the conversation, but the clear resolve she'd felt earlier had flown away, replaced by a series of feelings even more difficult to unravel than the ones she'd struggled with the past couple of days.

This time, calling Lisa for advice didn't seem like it was going to be an option.

Even had Sayo not already known what she looked like, Yukina's silver hair and refined manner would no doubt have informed her that this was the person she was looking for. An image of Yukina in stage flashed into Sayo's head, and for a moment, as she placed her hand on the glass door of the coffee shop, fragments of the enraptured state she'd been in at that concert returned to her.

And just as quickly, as though someone were throwing cold water over her head, another scene bubbled up from her memories.

_"You have a lot of these cat stuffed animals in your room," I say. "Do you like them?"_

_"I don't_ dislike _them, but they were really here because of Yukina. She used to come over here and hug them while we talked or did homework. It was really cute! I wonder if I have some pictures around here somewhere…"_

_Lisa rummages through one of her drawers, hunting for something that seems to elude her. A pair of mittens with a slightly rough, but nevertheless cute, cat motif woven into them fall to the ground._

_I pick them up and examine them. "Did you make these yourself?" I ask, without really thinking._

_She turns around and sees what I'm holding, then a pained look appears on her face. It's not a look I'm accustomed to seeing. Normally, even when something's hurt her, she still tries her best to give off a cheerful appearance._

_"Yeah, I did." The smile is back, but it is a deeply sad one. "For Yukina's birthday back in middle school, I'd planned in advance to make these so I'd have enough time to finish them. But that was around the time when the stuff I mentioned to you about her dad happened and she really started to focus on music, so by the time her birthday actually came around we weren't talking a whole lot anymore. Even as pushy and obnoxious as I am, I couldn't really bring myself to give the mittens to her. It just didn't feel like our relationship was on that level anymore, you know? But I couldn't bring myself to throw them away, either."_

_"…I'm sorry. I didn't intend to make you remember something unpleasant—"_

_"It's fine, it's fine!" She takes the mittens from me and stuffs them back into the drawer. "I thought I had it bad, but you really do worry too much, don't you, Sayo?"_

_The smile she flashes my way is, despite her words, unconvincing._

In the end, what kind of person would Yukina turn out to be?

"I'll make one thing clear from the start." Yukina looked cool and unhurried, but there was an edge to her words that indicated she was serious about everything she said. "To me, there's nothing more important than music. The effort I put into practicing and otherwise polishing my craft reflects that set of priorities. If you don't have a similar level of dedication, I don't think this partnership will work out."

"I understand. Any skill I might have managed to acquire is the result of long hours of practice, so I certainly have faith in its value." Lisa had mentioned as such on a couple of occasions, but it seemed as though Sayo's worldview and Yukina's had a not-insignificant amount of overlap. Compared to someone like Sayo's sister, whose immense talent and flighty personality led her to jump from hobby to hobby, the two of them were convinced that long hours of devotion to a single task would get them where they wanted to go.

"I'm glad to hear that. I'm aiming for the top. Nothing less than that is acceptable." A bold statement, to say the least, but looking at Yukina Sayo got the impression that if anyone could make it come true, it was her.

That thought filled her with a combination of relief and excitement. Would this meeting help to shake Sayo free from the aimless, directionless life she'd been living? Would reaching the top—would the act of _aiming_ for the top—give Sayo what she wanted?

"To be honest, I went to one of your concerts a few months ago. It was truly an impressive experience."

"Did you? Thank you. Might I ask what exactly you found impressive about it?" At Yukina's probing gaze, Sayo had the feeling she was being tested.

"From a musical level, I felt it was very advanced. Your voice is powerful enough that I have no doubt people would respond if you just exercised that power all the time, but going at full strength only when absolutely necessary creates a kind of contrast that serves to draw the audience in further, even if they don't realize it. At times, having listened to many of the songs you covered, I found myself thinking that your rendition brought out nuances of the original I was unaware of myself."

"You listen closely, don't you. I'd like to get your opinion on a few recordings I've done recently, if you don't mind," Yukina said, placing her phone and a pair of earphones on the table.

"Of course. I would be glad to."

In the midst of their discussion (Sayo had been talking about the use of guitar effect pedals in a song Yukina had brought up) Sayo's phone buzzed in her pocket. She pulled it out to check who had sent her a message, and once again felt a hazy uncertainty return to her feelings.

_You busy today, Sayo? I was wondering if we could meet up a little bit later!_

Sayo stared at Lisa's message for longer than she should have, and then abruptly remembered where she was. "Sorry. This shouldn't take very long."

"Take as much time as you need." Yukina dumped a slightly disturbing amount of sugar into her second cup of coffee and took a sip, the image of nonchalance.

Sayo hesitated for a second, and then nodded and returned her gaze back to her phone. _I'm meeting with someone at the moment, but wouldn't mind doing something afterwards._

 _Oh, the mysterious musician girl! You'll have to tell me what she's like. By the way, my dad says it's chikuzenni day today for dinner,_ _so you're welcome to come over if you want to~_

She attached a sticker of a cat licking its chops and, despite herself, Sayo cracked a smile. _You certainly really like chikuzenni, don't you? I'll let you know when I'm finished over here._

She put her phone back into her pocket and looked up at Yukina, who was wearing a slightly amused expression.

"So even you smile sometimes, Sayo. You almost had me convinced that you were that serious all the time."

Sayo was, briefly, puzzled as to how best to respond.

Yukina continued, "To make you smile like that, whoever you were messaging with must be someone fairly close to you, correct? I think that under the right circumstances, your relationships with the people around you can have a positive effect on your music. It's a good thing."

"Do you… have that kind of relationship, would you say? Is there some person you've been particularly close with?" Sayo couldn't keep herself from asking.

"My father's influence has been key in shaping my approach to music, so I am of course obligated to mention him. But personally, I would rather focus on being the best musician I can be than spend time cultivating personal relationships."

"I see." That was the response Sayo had expected, given what she'd heard about Yukina, but…

"On a slightly different topic, would you mind stopping by the studio with me briefly after this? As I mentioned before, while it's been productive talking with you, there are certain things we aren't going to be able to learn about each other unless it's through music."

"I understand. If it won't take too long, I'd be happy to accompany you."

"I'm glad to hear that. Shall we go?" Yukina downed the rest of her coffee and stood up, and Sayo hurriedly did the same. "I'd like to use the bathroom before we leave," she said, and Yukina nodded.

Washing her hands, Sayo stared at herself in the mirror. She was well aware that she wasn't exactly the type who smiled frequently, but even by those standards her face seemed serious.

 _Am I really that bothered by meeting her?_ It wasn't as though no longer getting along with Lisa made Yukina a bad person. She was certainly under no obligation to continue to be friends with people if she no longer desired that kind of relationship.

But—maybe because Sayo had been in a similar position to Lisa's before—being around Yukina made her ever so slightly uncomfortable. Even now, Lisa no doubt badly wanted to become close with Yukina once again; was it really okay for Sayo to befriend her?

Surely, if she heard that Sayo and Yukina were going to play music together, she would smile and cheer them on. But beneath that cheery face she was so good at making, what would she really think? If Yukina had no interest in being close with anyone else, that was one thing. But if she got closer to Sayo, the implication would end up being that she was fine having friendly relationships with other people.

Just not with Lisa.

Sayo shook her head vigorously. This line of thought wasn't going to get her anywhere productive. She was just going to have to take time to carefully consider what she wanted to do about Yukina's offer and how exactly to convey to Lisa what had happened. Allowing herself the time to think rationally was how she made all of her best decisions, and surely this was no—

She stopped, about five paces past the bathroom door, and stared out the large front window of the coffee shop.

Yukina was seated on the freshly painted bench outside, her back to Sayo. A few feet in front of her, wearing that same uncomfortable smile that had flashed through Sayo's mind just minutes before, was the very person Sayo had hoped not to see in this moment.

Even from inside the coffee shop, the awkward atmosphere between the two of them was palpable. Sayo had been well aware that things would eventually come to this, but this was not the way she'd wanted to be forced to deal with the situation. Hurriedly, she tried to think about what her best option was. Could she call out to Yukina without Lisa noticing? It seemed unlikely. Was there a back exit to this building that she could sneak out and somehow avoid both of them? Even if that were the case, it didn't seem like a good option.

As she pondered the possibilities in her head, Yukina turned her gaze back towards the coffee shop and met Sayo's eyes through the window. Cocking her head to the side, she mouthed the words "Are you finished?" in Sayo's direction.

And, seemingly curious about where Yukina was looking, a second pair of eyes caught Sayo's as well.

Both Lisa and Sayo immediately stiffened and Sayo, sensing that her escape routes had now been totally blocked off, slowly made her way out of the coffee shop.

In this situation, what was she supposed to say? What kind of expression was she supposed to make when looking at Lisa? Feign ignorance? Act normally? No option seemed to be without numerous pitfalls.

When she opened the door, however, her decision was made for her. A distinctly awkward, uncomfortable look on her face, Lisa waved at Sayo and Yukina. "Well, I'll leave you two to it. Good luck at your practice!" she said, turning around and walking off at a suspiciously fast speed.

"Was that a friend of yours?" Sayo found herself asking. It was strange. She wasn't the kind of person who asked questions like this, purposefully withholding information to try and ferret out the answer she was looking for. Maybe she'd been spending too much time around Chisato lately.

But whatever the reason, she desperately wanted to know Yukina's honest feelings.

_How do you feel about Imai Lisa?_

"She's my next-door neighbor. We were closer when we were younger, mostly because of that, but we haven't talked much in the past few years. In some ways, I think our parents were more invested in us being friends than we were."

"That response seems very like you." Despite herself, Sayo could feel a cold edge entering her voice.

"Sayo?"

"Sorry. Would you mind practicing on a different day instead? I'm busier than I originally thought."

Without waiting for Yukina's response, Sayo turned around and stalked off in the direction Lisa had gone.

The area in front of the station was fairly crowded, but Sayo had no problem locating Lisa's light-brown hair. Leaning against a wall, she was staring at her phone absentmindedly as Sayo approached her.

"Lisa." Sayo wasn't a warm person even at the best of times, but her voice still came off to her as unpleasantly cold.

"Sayo?! Wait, weren't you going to practice with…" Lisa seemed flustered in a way that Sayo could tell wasn't just from the surprise of her sudden appearance.

"Circumstances changed."

"I-I see." She looked down at the pavement for a second, then looked back up at Sayo nervously. "Sayo, are you, um, angry? Did I do something earlier you didn't like?"

At those words Sayo felt a twinge of pain in her chest, and she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm not angry with you."

"But you _are_ angry?"

"…That I can't deny." It had been some time since she'd last felt this way, but this kind of vivid anger, the kind that put her on the verge of tossing away her precious rationality and doing something she knew she'd regret, was something Sayo was intimately familiar with. There were many things in her life that she wasn't proud of, but the attitude she'd directed towards her sister and club members sparked particularly strong feelings of guilt within her.

She didn't want to make that mistake again. So, doing her best to restore some warmth to her voice, she spoke.

"You said you wanted to go somewhere, didn't you? Where did you have in mind?"

"I don't really know that I want to go anywhere if you're going to be like this. I like the normal Sayo better."

Sayo took a step back and slowly blinked. "I'm sorry," she said, unable to think of anything more thoughtful.

"Let's go somewhere quieter to sit and calm down a bit, okay?" Lisa grabbed Sayo's arm, and Sayo obediently followed her to a stone bench overlooking a run-down fountain. Normally, there would be children playing in it, but despite the sunlight brightly flashing off the running water, the temperature was low enough that getting one's clothes soaked was inadvisable.

"How about you explain everything to me, Sayo. From the beginning." Lisa's voice was more serious than usual.

Sayo took another deep breath and thought for a second, then slowly began to speak.

"First off, to be clear, when I talked to you on the phone I had no knowledge that the person I was going to be meeting with was Yukina. At that point, I told you everything I knew.

"Regarding our conversation in the cafe, I'm sure you're well aware of this, but it was obvious from talking to her just how serious and passionate she was about music. That kind of dedication is something I admire in a number of ways. So in that sense it was a very productive conversation."

"Yeah, I always thought the two of you would get along well…"

"But while I was talking to her, I got the continual sense that something was bothering me. Certainly, from a musical perspective our worldviews were aligned, but on a personal level I didn't know if I could really get along with someone who'd hurt one of my friends like she had."

"Sayo!? Wait, hold on—"

"So after you left, I asked her who you were. And, oblivious to the fact that I knew you, she said she thought that being friends with you was mostly a result of her parents being friends with yours rather than any kind of intrinsic desire from either of you." Sayo felt anger bubbling up within her once more. "After hearing that, there was no way I could just go practice with her like everything was normal. It's obvious talking to you how much you cared—how much you still care!—about her, and for her to just ignore that like it's nothing—"

She suddenly felt Lisa's hands on her shoulders and stopped in surprise. Lisa's face was faintly red, and she seemed to be searching for the right words.

"…Sayo, isn't that kind of the opposite of calming down? I mean, I guess I'm happy that you care about me that much, but I don't think being that angry is going to do any of us any good. Yukina is just… living her life the way she thinks is best. It's not like I can make her be friends with me."

"You're awfully calm, even though you were the one who got hurt."

"I'm calm because I have nice friends like you who'll stick up for me. So it's okay, really." She stroked Sayo's cheek gently, and Sayo suddenly felt embarrassed about this whole thing.

"I get called 'mature' a lot, but I'm really just a kid, aren't I. Unable to control my emotions. How many times is this now where you've had to calm me down?"

"I'm not trying to scold you or anything. I've done just as many stupid things as you have, if not more. And I really am happy that you got angry for my sake. You wouldn't do that kind of thing if you didn't care about me, right?"

"Well, no…"

"But what I want to do today is just enjoy a nice day out with you, Sayo. And it's hard to do that when you're glaring everywhere and using that tone of voice! You're actually pretty scary when you're like that, you know? Almost as much as Chisato is."

"…Chisato?"

"Just try not to get her mad at you, okay?" Lisa laughed nervously, then grabbed Sayo's arm once more. "Let's get on the train. There's a line I want to take."

"You have an idea for somewhere to go?"

"Something like that!"

The train the two of them got on was conspicuously empty, a handful of passengers dotting the various cars their only company. As the two of them sat down in a pair of seats facing the door, the train gradually sped up once more, a robotic voice announcing the name of the next station.

Both Sayo and Lisa sat in silence for a while, watching as the platform they'd been on slowly receded from view.

Eventually, Lisa spoke.

"Are you, um, planning to actually practice with Yukina? I mean, you were going to do it today before I showed up, weren't you?"

"…Do you want me to?"

"Geez!" Lisa punched Sayo's shoulder lightly. "You don't have to worry so much about me. It's not like you need my permission to spend time with her or anything. I'll be okay."

"I'll think about it."

"Well, I don't really mind whatever you do with Yukina, but you'd better not stop practicing with me, okay? I'll get sad."

"I suppose I wouldn't want that, would I." Sayo leaned her weight slightly against Lisa's shoulder, mood significantly lighter than it had been earlier. Being around Lisa always had that effect on her, now that she thought about it.

Lisa laughed and leaned back on Sayo. "You're real nice, Sayo, you know that?"

Sayo got the impression she'd heard those words before. And, as in the past, she had no idea how to respond to them. "Nice" was not a word people usually used to describe her. She still wasn't entirely sure what she'd done that had convinced Lisa that she was nice in the first place, anyway—as was frequently the case, there was a layer to Lisa's words Sayo found herself incapable of deciphering.

"Sayo, do you wanna be a pro in guitar or something? I think you're good enough to make it happen."

Sayo blinked, surprised at the sudden topic change, then took a second to think. "I… haven't really thought that far ahead."

"Right? They were asking us about our future plans at school the other day, and a year and a half still seems like such a long way away."

"Regardless, I imagine my future will end up being something more normal than playing guitar for a living."

"You're always the practical one, huh, Sayo? Well, in some ways, I guess it does pay to be realistic rather than spending your time dreaming about things that aren't going to come true."

"It's the only way I know how to act."

"I don't think it's bad to do something on a whim every once in a while, though. It's definitely possible to think about things _too_ hard."

Lisa's words, for some reason, reminded Sayo of her sister, and she sighed. Maybe it was because Hina was so perpetually spontaneous that Sayo's personality had ended up the way it had. But within herself, Sayo was, as always, unable to find whatever mix of courage, rashness and confidence she'd need to act without painstaking consideration.

"When I first came up with the idea of playing guitar together, you know, it was just a spur-of-the-moment thing. If I'd thought about it longer, I might have ended up deciding against it. There was a pretty big risk I was going to upset you, or drive you away, after all. But it ended up being one of my best decisions, didn't it?" Lisa's smile was warm and soft.

"Well… in that situation, I can't deny that it was effective, but personally, I'm not sure anything I've done that spontaneously has worked out."

"Let's do something without thinking, then! Which stop do you feel like getting off at?"

Sayo's eyes widened in surprise, then she sighed again. "That seems like a poor idea. Isn't there a good chance that we'll just end up stuck somewhere where there's nothing to do, or, worse, lost?"

"Aww, come on! You're thinking about things too hard again. What if we end up in somewhere exciting we never would have gone to normally?"

Sayo gave Lisa a dubious look. "The odds of that can't be high, can they?"

"How about I frame it like this, then." Lisa's grin was bright and more than a little mischievous. "Even if we end up getting lost, it'll surely turn into a fun memory. 'Cause you're with me, Sayo."

Even though Lisa had seemed not so long ago to have no clue as to the impact her words were having on Sayo, recently she'd started to become almost too aware of the power she had at her disposal. No matter how much Sayo might grumble, whenever Lisa emphasized that what was important to her was Sayo in particular being there by her side, Sayo found herself unable to refuse her friend's requests. It was fairly obvious that she was being taken advantage of.

But, well, sometimes that kind of thing wasn't so bad. It was certainly true that when the two of them were together, even the mundane aspects of Sayo's life started to feel as though they were sparkling with color. Maybe getting lost would turn out to be a lot more fun than she expected after all.

"Let's get off in two stops, then. I have a good feeling about that one."

"Ooh, sounds good! Do you know something about that stop? I don't remember ever hearing the name before…"

"Nothing at all."

The two of them burst out laughing, prompting the middle-aged man near the front of their car to look back in their direction in puzzlement.

The station they got off at was, unlike the modern, well-maintained one they usually got on at, somewhat run-down. Despite the peeling paint and dusty windows, however, there was something comforting about it, as though it had ended up in the state it was in through long years of faithfully serving people rather than through being abandoned and forgotten.

The worker in the ticket window nodded at them through his thick glasses as they exited, and Sayo turned to Lisa.

"Where would you like to go?"

"Hmm." Lisa glanced around them, taking in the new surroundings. "How about over towards those houses? That's the direction I'm getting the best feeling about."

They wandered off toward what seemed like a sleepy residential neighborhood, Lisa giving Sayo a sharp look when Sayo attempted to look up where they were on her phone. Eventually, the two of them stopped in front of a brick wall, where a regal-looking orange cat was sunning itself, showing no particular interest in the people in front of it.

"Cute! You know, I always used to take pictures of cats I ran into and send them to Yukina when we were younger."

"Should I send a picture of this one to her?"

Lisa's eyes opened wide for a second, and then she grinned. "I didn't think you were the kind of girl to do something like that, Sayo. What's going to happen if she gets seriously upset at you? Shouldn't you think about things a little more carefully?"

"At this point, I've already done enough inadvisable things that I might as well compound my mistakes."

After taking a picture of the cat, Sayo composed a message to Yukina with the caption, _I was informed you might appreciate this picture._

Her message was quickly marked as read, and Lisa crowded close to Sayo, peering at her phone as the two of them eagerly anticipated a response.

 _I don't know where you got that information from, but I don't have any more interest in it than a normal person would,_ the response came. And then, a second later, _It is a pretty cat, however._

"…You were right. I wouldn't ever have imagined she'd be into cats just from talking to her about music."

"She really does have a cute side to her!" Lisa paused, then smiled somewhat sadly. "That's part of how I know she's not as heartless as you seemed to think she was earlier."

"I'm not sure liking animals automatically means you're a good person."

"Before you came out of the coffee shop, you know, she was asking after me. How I'd been, how school was going. She even knew I'd started playing guitar. I mean, I guess I did borrow my instrument from her dad, but still."

Those things seemed like little more than common politeness to Sayo, but, then again, Yukina didn't seem like the kind of person who had much interest in things like social customs or being polite to others. So while Sayo was still a little bit suspicious of her, at the very least Yukina didn't seem to be completely dismissive of her relationship with Lisa.

"She's the kind of person who's bad at saying how she feels. Like with the cat photo earlier. So I don't think she's as cold as she comes off, really." Lisa's expression was calm, enough to convince Sayo that the topic of Yukina wasn't seriously upsetting her. While Lisa had a real talent for hiding her emotions in order not to worry the people around her, spending this much time around had given Sayo a better idea of when she was being honest and when she wasn't. Or so Sayo hoped.

"Plus," Lisa continued, "I've got you now, so everything's a lot easier to manage."

"Am I serving as an adequate replacement?" Sayo's tone was lightly joking, but Lisa shot her an annoyed look.

"You're not anyone's replacement, Sayo. Even if things went back to the way they were in the past between me and Yukina, I'd still feel lonely without you around. It's just that when something's hurt you, it's reassuring to have someone you really care about by your side. Don't you think?"

"…I suppose." Sayo leaned back against the brick wall; the cat, an annoyed look on its face, took its leave. "I haven't really had any close friends over the years, so this is a bit of a new feeling for me. Not a bad one, though, of course."

The two of them stared out at the narrow road in front of them. A girl—younger than Sayo and Lisa, probably—walked past, a small, energetic dog of uncertain breed straining at its leash in front of her. As it turned to Sayo and barked eagerly, Sayo, despite herself, felt a smile rise to her lips.

And, seconds later, a soft sensation on her cheek.

"You're plenty cute too, Sayo. Even more than Yukina." Lisa's mischievous grin from earlier had returned, and as Sayo noticed the faintly red-tinged ears peeking out from that fluffy brown hair, her brain finally processed that she'd been kissed. A deep furrow formed in her brow as she lightly touched her cheek with her fingers, and Lisa laughed.

"Sorry, sorry. Did you dislike it that much?"

"I don't know that I particularly liked or disliked it. I'm just still not entirely sure what's so interesting about teasing me like that."

"I wonder!" Lisa laughed again. But beyond amusement, Sayo felt there was some other, more complex emotion concealed in Lisa's expression, one she couldn't manage to identify.

Even if she were to identify it, she suspected, coming to understand it would be beyond her current abilities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like i owe yukina an apology for how she comes off in my recent writing
> 
> next time: going for it


	8. Two Steps Behind (I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the addition of the "internalized homophobia" tag to this work.

_Sayo pulls out her key and unlocks the door, then, after she's entered, gently shuts it, carefully taking off and arranging her shoes before walking into the living room. There, her mother and grandmother are having a conversation._

_"Hello, Grandmother. How have you been?"_

_"Sayo. It's nice to see you." She turns to Sayo's mother. "Your daughter—well, this one at least—is always so respectful. You've raised her well."_

_"Sometimes I think she's a little bit_ too _respectful." Sayo's mother ruffles Sayo's hair._

_"That'll serve her well in the future when she gets married. Men don't care for women who are too outspoken."_

_"Mother! I swear, your view of society is still stuck in the Showa era." Sayo's mother laughs exasperatedly._

_"That's because things were better back then. Some of the things you hear these days… the granddaughter of one of your father's old coworkers, can you believe it, ignored the marriage interview he'd set up for her and went off to go live with a woman! The younger generation has no sense of shame, really."_

_"Well, I certainly can't endorse that kind of behavior… not that Sayo would ever do something that embarrassing. Right, Sayo?"_

_The situation her mother and grandmother are describing feels worlds apart from Sayo's middle-school life, but nevertheless she, slowly but obediently, nods at her mother's words._

"You're as good as I expected." Offering Sayo a sports drink pulled from the nearby vending machine, Yukina sat down on the bench next to her.

Wordlessly, Sayo accepted the bottle.

"I don't say this lightly, but being with you gives me the feeling—the certainty, really—that we can go as far as we want in the music world. I'd really like you to consider my offer."

"It's an honor to hear you say that. I'll give it some careful thought." Playing next to Yukina certainly left Sayo feeling, in one sense, fulfilled. When compared to someone with such overwhelming skill, Sayo found herself left aware of how far she had yet to go—but in a way that offered her a clear path to improvement. If it was skill at guitar and the potential to perform on higher and higher stages that she was looking for, then her decision was obvious.

But as of now, what exactly it was that Sayo wanted was still murky to her.

"…I was surprised to hear that you were friends with Lisa." Yukina's tone was less brimming with confidence than it usually was.

"Did you enjoy the cat picture?"

"Don't smirk at me like that. It doesn't suit you." If Sayo's earlier image of Yukina hadn't already melted, it would have upon seeing her current sulking face.

Maybe she was beginning to see exactly what it was that Lisa saw in Yukina.

"I've heard a lot about your likes and dislikes from Lisa's stories."

"Have you now."  
"She's the kind of person who tends to talk a lot about people she really cares about." Sayo put some emphasis on those last three words.

"You really become a different person when it comes to Lisa, don't you?" Yukina looked vaguely exasperated. "I respect that passion, but…"

"But what?"

"There's a goal I'm chasing after. Say what you will, but music comes first and everything else is second. I'll sacrifice whatever I need to in order to reach where I'm trying to go."

"I see."

"But you're different, aren't you, Sayo? We aren't aiming for the same place, in the end."

"I… don't think I can agree with that statement you just made, no. If that's what you mean."

"I suspected that was probably the case." Yukina sighed somewhat exaggeratedly. "It's too bad that passionate gaze of yours isn't directed towards me. I'm a little jealous."

"If you're feeling like being friendly, there's someone I'd rather you directed those feelings toward." It wasn't as though Sayo disliked talking with Yukina, exactly, but the idea of the two of them becoming friends while Lisa was left by the wayside still made her a little uncomfortable. "…I won't tell you to go back to the way you were when the two of you were younger. But at the very least, it would be good to apologize."

"You might be right." That was probably as good as Sayo was going to get from Yukina. The two of them were similar enough that Sayo knew very well the kind of pride that drove Yukina, the unwillingness to admit it explicitly even when she was aware she was in the wrong.

After a couple of minutes of sitting in silence, Sayo finished her sports drink and picked up her guitar case.

"Thank you for the opportunity to practice together. I do very much have respect for your musical talents."

Yukina got up and, a calm look still on her face, grasped Sayo's hand in both of hers. "Do think about what I've mentioned. Though I have a feeling I know what decision you're going to make."

Almost more than anything that had happened with Lisa, Sayo found the way Yukina seemed to know more about her than she did herself intensely frustrating.

The next few days gave Sayo no clearer vision of her path forward. And so, still possessed of the faint hope that continuing to play the guitar would lead her towards the answer she was looking for, she found herself once more making her way over to Lisa's house, case in hand.

Lisa greeted her warmly and cheerfully, as she always did, and welcomed Sayo inside. As they sat down in her room around warm cups of tea, Lisa said, looking more pleased than normal, "Today Yukina and I ended up eating lunch together! I don't even remember the last time that sort of thing happened, so it was a nice change."

"That's nice to hear. It seems as though my threat was effective."

"I'm pretty sure you're joking about that, but after seeing how mad you got at her the other day, I can't be sure anymore."

"It's possible I said something to Yukina, but no coercion was involved."

"She seems to legitimately like you, so I'll believe you this time." A resigned smile passed across Lisa's face. "I really didn't like the idea of the two of you fighting, so I'm glad you seem to have worked things out."

"You ought to properly value yourself. Some things are worth being upset about."

"I wonder. But thanks, Sayo. For properly valuing me."

"…You're welcome." Sayo was, she was certain, still unable to appreciate exactly how valuable of a person Imai Lisa was. No matter how hard she tried, she got the sense she would never be able to give back an amount equivalent to that which she'd received. But the idea that her actions, even a little bit, might have made Lisa happy filled Sayo with a deep sense of fulfillment.

Though even she had to admit that getting that angry again was probably a bad idea.

From the moment both of them got their instruments out, Sayo couldn't help but compare their current practice session to the one she'd gone through with Yukina. In a way, they couldn't have been more different. Whereas Yukina was exacting and strict, Lisa was lighthearted and prone to distractions. Whereas Yukina offered careful, constructive feedback about Sayo's guitar playing, Lisa didn't have the first clue about how to go about doing something like that. Whereas practicing with Yukina produced a beautiful, seamless wave of sound, practicing with Lisa was filled with wrong notes, misplayed sections, and stops and starts.

…Whereas Yukina was calm and confident to the point of seeming cold, Lisa was, like the gentle sunlight filtering in through her window, truly, truly warm.

"Sorry," Lisa said, as she stumbled over another section and prompted another pause in their practice. "I just can't seem to get this part right. When you practiced with Yukina, I bet you didn't have these kinds of interruptions…"

"It isn't a big deal. Here, I think you'd have better results if you played this part like this." Sayo laid her hands over Lisa's, guiding them to the right arrangement over the guitar strings.

"Oh, you might be right! Okay, let's give it another shot!" Lisa flashed that brilliant smile of hers at Sayo, and Sayo couldn't help but return it.

Practices with Yukina were, regardless of what small adjustments the two of them might make, smooth from the start. This performance was, even despite the corrections Sayo had helped make, rough, and could in no respect be said to be comparable as a musical experience.

But.

Through those cracks and rough edges, something always filtered through. How exactly to describe it Sayo wasn't sure, but it seemed to her somehow very _human._

From the start, that had been what drew Sayo to the guitar, hadn't it. It wasn't as though, when she'd first started, music had been her obsession, as she suspected it had been for Yukina. It had been a medium for human companionship. And what she felt when she played the guitar with Lisa was no doubt an extension of that desire.

For Sayo, being with Lisa had given her a glimpse of a normal high school life, of going shopping for cute clothes and hanging out in cafes, of long conversations about nothing in particular. Whenever they played together, it was that connection that bled through, she was sure.

Before she could put those feelings to words, Lisa spoke. "I thought it would be kind of nice for you, you know, if you could play with someone like Yukina. You're really good, Sayo, so it seems like you'd get a lot out of practicing with people closer to your level."

"I don't think that kind of thing is necessary." Before really thinking, Sayo felt the words leave her mouth.

"Sayo?"

"I think I might have realized what it was I was looking for. What I felt, in the aftermath of our concert… certainly, music was a part of that. But, in truth, rather than what it was we were doing together, it was the people I was with who really made that moment memorable. So as good as Yukina might be at music, being able to play with you will always be more important to me. That's how I feel."

"Really?" Lisa's voice was more than a little surprised.

"Is that not what you wanted to hear?"

"I mean, I'm definitely happy, that just wasn't what I expected to hear from you." She grinned. "So you really enjoy these practices that much!"

"I suppose I have no choice but to admit it." As Sayo said those words, she felt a wave of relief wash over her. This warm, comfortable, friendly relationship was the kind of thing she'd been seeking in her life, wasn't it. Slowly broadening her horizons with the reassuring feeling of having something unchanging by her side—while she and Lisa had had their share of troubles, surely those were largely in the past by this point, weren't they?

Finishing their practice, the two of them shifted over to finishing off leftover schoolwork, in what had become another one of their routine activities. Having mostly completed what she needed to do, Sayo was leaning against Lisa's bed, absentmindedly strumming her guitar while Lisa puzzled over her homework at her desk. "Come to me if you have any questions," she'd said, as always, but Lisa was studiously working by herself, seemingly in no need of assistance.

It wasn't as though Sayo felt neglected because her services weren't being requested. It was just that… she wanted to make sure that Lisa wasn't refusing help out of politeness. Yes. That was it.

Putting down her guitar, she walked over to Lisa's desk, peering over her shoulder in curiosity. "Is everything going all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. The math stuff doesn't seem to be too difficult this week, thankfully!"

"…I see. Let me know if there's anything you end up having trouble with."

"Aww, did you get lonely because I wasn't talking to you?" Lisa put a hand on Sayo's cheek and grinned, and Sayo felt her face heating up.

"Lonely? Where on earth did you get that idea—"

"Yeah, yeah, I understand. I'll make sure to make it up to you afterwards, so just wait a little longer, okay?"

Somewhat annoyed, Sayo nevertheless obediently returned to her place by the bed, where, after a few minutes, Lisa joined her.

"I really feel like I've gotten a better understanding of math recently. Must be because I've had such a good teacher!"

"I'm sure it's more a result of your hard work than anything I might have done."

"You think so? I guess I must have worked real hard to get nearly full points on my last math test, then, huh? So much that I deserve some kind of reward."

"…You just want me to do something, don't you?"

"You found me out! How about it, though?"

"Go ahead, as long as it isn't something impossible."

As she said that, Sayo felt the atmosphere in the room change, as though by acquiescing to Lisa's request something tangible in the air had shifted. Was it just her, or was the heat on too high?

"Well, then," Lisa said, cheeks slowly turning pink, voice a half-whisper, "let me kiss you."

Sayo blinked. The first emotion that passed through her head, of the many possible options, was confusion. What exactly was so appealing to Lisa about kissing her? Did something like that really qualify as a reward?

Upon seeing Sayo's response, Lisa looked flustered. "If you don't want to, it's fine! I just kind of suggested it as a…"

"As a joke?"

"Not a joke, exactly…"

"If you really want to do it, I don't mind. You did something similar the other day, right? A sign of affection? I'm not entirely sure I understand, but I don't have any strong objections… as long as it's just once."

Lisa breathed in sharply at Sayo's words, and stared at her with a kind of look Sayo couldn't entirely identify. "…You really know what you're saying, Sayo?"

"…Yes." To be honest, ever since she'd said the words, she'd had a feeling that she might have gotten herself in way over her head into something she didn't fully understand. But at this point, she couldn't exactly just back out and pretend nothing had happened.

Lisa placed her hands one after the other on the bed behind Sayo, pinning her in place, then gradually moved her face closer, centimeter by centimeter, Sayo's heart beating faster and faster until she thought it might burst.

It was strange. Before, when Lisa had gotten this close to her, she didn't remember reacting at all. Certainly, she wasn't used to people who were as physically affectionate as Lisa was, but this situation felt like something else entirely. It was as though Lisa's gaze—hot and passionate, frightening yet enticing—was inviting Sayo into a world yet unknown.

Lisa's lips met hers, and Sayo's mind was instantly filled up with the soft scent of vanilla. Lotion or perfume, she knew logically, but what she thought of in that moment was the sweet, sweet vanilla extract that Lisa used sometimes in making cookies, the kind that was pleasant in small doses but overpowering when—

Lisa pulled her face away from Sayo's and whispered her name. "Sayo." The heat of those two syllables pierced Sayo's chest, and before she had time to react Lisa had kissed her again. And again, Sayo's consciousness gradually starting to drift off in some unknown direction before she pulled it back and, gently but firmly, pushed Lisa off of her.

"I said just… once, didn't I…" Both Sayo's breathing and her heart rate stubbornly refused to calm down.

"Sorry, sorry. I got a little bit carried away." Lisa's cheeks were flushed and her eyes still carried their earlier heat, but, in this moment, Sayo found her calm demeanor intensely frustrating. "You're really red, though, Sayo. You okay?"

"…Don't look at my face." Based on the fire that seemed about to spring up from her cheeks, Sayo could guess even without being able to see it that her face was as red as it had ever been.

"I won't." Lisa hugged her tight, burying her face in Sayo's chest. The smell of vanilla once again assaulted Sayo, and she simply lay there, leaning against the bed, enveloped by Lisa's warmth.

"Your heart's really beating fast, Sayo."

"Speak for yourself."

Lisa laughed. "I've never done this kind of thing before, so I was super nervous!"

"Why—" Sayo quickly cut herself off.

"Sayo? You say something?"

"No, never mind." _Why did you kiss me,_ Sayo had been about to ask. But she had a sneaking suspicion she already knew the answer to that question. And if she ended up hearing it from Lisa's mouth, then the comfortable, warm, friendship she'd gotten her hands on would change form into something unknown and frightening. But if it was never put to words, then maybe, she hoped futilely, it would avoid becoming reality.

A series of memories flashed through Sayo's head. Lisa's fingers lightly running down her bare skin in the amusement park bathroom. Lisa staring longingly at a photo of the two of them from the maid cafe. Lisa repeatedly telling her how cute she looked. Lisa gently kissing her on the cheek.

Certainly, her time spent with Lisa had offered her a glimpse of a normal high school life. But in the corners of that normalcy, past the congenial study sessions and incessant text messages, it was also offering her a glimpse of something Sayo would be hard-pressed to ever call "normal."

"Thanks for going along with my request, Sayo." Lisa laid another kiss on Sayo's collarbone, and despite herself Sayo shivered.

"…You're welcome."

As Sayo opened up the door to her house, the sun already beginning to set, she was immediately pushed back against the closed door by a hug—tackle was perhaps the more appropriate word—from her sister.

"Welcome back! It feels like you've been gone a lot lately… I've been lonely!"

"Yes, yes. Let go of me for a second so I can put my things down."

Hina grudgingly released her embrace, then as Sayo put down her guitar and bag sniffed at her neck. "Are you wearing perfume? I don't remember our shampoo smelling like this."

"Don't smell me like that. It's strange."

"Are you trying to impress a boyfriend? I knew something was different about the way you were acting—"

"Not a boyfriend. I was over at a friend's house, so some of what she was wearing must have come off on me."

Come off doing what, Sayo was going to conveniently leave out.

"Hmmm." Hina seemed unsatisfied. "A girlfriend, then?"

_Girlfriend._ Hearing the word made Sayo freeze for a second in the middle of taking off her coat. "That's an even more ridiculous question. She's just the normal kind of friend." Finishing removing her coat, she sighed. "Why are you so persistent about this?"

"'Cause I think I'm on to something, that's why!" Hina ran her finger over Sayo's now-revealed collarbone, a smirk on her face. "'Normal' friends don't leave lipstick marks on each other, do they?"

"…She just went a little bit too far with the physical affection, that's all. Sort of like you." Internally, Sayo cursed both her own failure to notice and Lisa's excessive… friendliness.

"You're no fun," Hina said, pouting, and Sayo took that as her opportunity to escape.

Climbing the stairs and throwing herself down on her bed, she lightly traced the outline of her lips with her finger. Part of her wanted to blame Lisa for disrupting the relationship they'd so carefully built together. But another part of her, with a voice she wanted to ignore but couldn't quite manage to, objected:

_You were perfectly capable of rejecting her at any point, and yet you just let it happen. Even after it ended, you didn't get angry with her or express any real displeasure. Why did you do that? Was it because you were scared that if you rejected her you would lose her friendship? Or was it—_

Sayo squeezed her eyes shut, finally successful at banishing her wayward thoughts. She picked up her phone and flipped through her pictures until she found one of Lisa and Sayo after the cultural festival concert. Staring at Lisa's face, she whispered to herself.

"You lied back then, didn't you. Saying that us getting closer would mean neither of us would get hurt. That's not what's going to happen at all, is it…"

Her room had grown chilly, but Sayo's skin was as of yet hot to the touch.


	9. Two Steps Behind (II)

There was a loud bang from downstairs as the door opened and quickly shut, followed by the equally loud thumping of someone rapidly ascending the stairs. Sayo looked up from her reading at her bedroom door and sighed, already prepared for what was going to come next.

After a second, the door burst open and Sayo's sister made her usual appearance. Sayo knew, realistically, that not scolding her for coming in without knocking just meant it would happen more often, but mustering up the energy to do so had long before become tiresome.

"Hey, hey, are you busy this weekend?" Hina asked, eyes shining.

"I don't know that I have anything planned."

"Wanna go on a camping trip, then?"

"Isn't a little cold for that now? And on such short notice… I always say this, but you could stand to think a little bit harder before you just decide things."  
"Aww, so you're not going to go? But Chisato's going to be there!"

"Is she." Sayo returned her gaze to her desk. "I'll let the two of you enjoy yourselves, then."

"Oh, and one other girl from Haneoka. I dunno if you've met her before…"

"I don't know that I know a lot of people from your school in general."

"She's real interesting! It just kind of felt _right_ the first time I talked to her, you know? Sort of like the first time I heard you play guitar."

Sayo furrowed her brow for a second trying to understand Hina's analogy, then quickly gave up. "I'll take your word for it."

"I think you might get along with her too," Hina continued, and Sayo began to consider more forcefully removing her sister from her room when—

"Imai Lisa." Almost offhandedly, Hina dropped that name, and Sayo immediately looked back up at her sister, almost on reflex.

"Imai… Lisa?"

"What, do you know her?" A smirk was plastered on Hina's face, and Sayo realized she'd been had. Sharpening her tone, she asked, "…Hina, what exactly are you planning?"

Hina laughed and offered no answer. "Think about the offer, at least, okay? I promise it'll be fun~" she said, smile not leaving her face as she exited Sayo's room.

This was, no doubt, a response to what had happened the other day, and Sayo felt a simultaneous grudging sense of respect at Hina's ability to figure everything out from so few clues and a marked irritation that her sister was trying to meddle in her affairs. As always, Hina's fixation on doing whatever she personally wanted to do left little room for consideration of the nuances of the feelings of those around her.

Sayo opened up her message log with Lisa on her phone, which had been conspicuously empty in the past few days. Neither of them, it seemed, knew exactly what to say to the other, and Sayo had a feeling that going on a trip together with their current uncertain relationship hanging over them would end up being disastrous. After a brief period of wavering, she began composing a message to Chisato instead, something she hesitated to do for very different reasons.

_Is it true you're going camping with my sister?_

After a short pause, a response came.

_How rare to get a message from you, Sayo! I'm doing well, thank you for asking. This weekend I'm very excited to get to go on a trip with some of my dear friends. Were you planning on going as well?_

Sayo gritted her teeth in annoyance as she thought about what exactly to say in return.

_I have no particular interest in going. I'm just curious as to how this whole idea got started. Do you have any idea what Hina is planning?_

_How unfortunate that you won't be accompanying us—I was very much looking forward to it. But I suppose you have more important things you need to do, don't you?_

After another pause, Chisato's message continued.

_It's a little bit rude to suggest that Hina's planning something by inviting you, isn't it? All she wants, I'm sure, is to enjoy some time together. And I feel confident that your good friend, Lisa, feels the same way._

Unsatisfied but unsurprised, Sayo dashed off a curt message thanking Chisato for her assistance and sighed. It was obvious that Hina, even if she would theoretically enjoy spending time with Sayo and their friends, had some other plan in mind when she'd come up with this. And was Chisato such good friends with Hina and Lisa that she'd accompany them on this kind of outing? In some respects, it seemed like an obvious trap Sayo would be a fool to fall into.

But, as much as she thought she'd inured herself to Chisato's jabs, the implication that Sayo was the kind of person who would ignore her friends to study or play guitar or something similarly 'uninteresting' hurt. A few months ago, those had simply been the facts of her life, but these days she was starting to realize that that wasn't really the life she wanted to lead. Were it not for the situation with Lisa, this would surely be an opportunity for her, to borrow Aya's phrase, make some unforgettable high school memories.

A desire to hide and a desire to self-improve, an undeniable attraction and a gradually growing fear. Those emotions tumbling around in her head like clothes at the coin laundry, Sayo dove into bed and pulled the covers over her head.

And somehow, despite those misgivings, she was here, staring out the window of Lisa's mother's car as the markers of civilization slowly began to fade away. Chisato had claimed the front seat, leaving the remaining three of them crammed into the back, with Lisa in the middle. Despite having only recently met for the first time, or so they'd said, Hina and Lisa were fully absorbed in their chatter, something Sayo was grateful for because it spared her the awkwardness of being forced to make conversation with Lisa.

Laughing at one of Hina's absurd comments, Lisa bumped Sayo with her elbow and then quickly drew it back (or at least as far back as the cramped confines of the car would allow), apologizing.

"Sorry, Sayo, I didn't mean to—"

"It's fine. Don't worry about it." Sayo returned her gaze to the window, and from the other side of the car Hina made a displeased noise.

"What's with this atmosphere between you two? I wanted to see how Sayo acted around her friends, but you won't even say anything to each other! Wasn't it just last week that you two were ki—" Her words were muffled by Lisa hurriedly putting a hand over her mouth.

"There's nothing weird going on between us, I promise! We're perfectly normal friends—Sayo doesn't talk all that much in general, and she seems like she's a little bit tired today anyway. Right, Sayo?"

Feeling the pressure from Lisa's stare, Sayo grudgingly agreed. "She's right. As always, we're just normal good friends." Perhaps unconsciously, her tone had turned biting as she'd said those last few words.

_Aren't_ you _the one who's trying to change our relationship away from that?_

Hina seemed unsatisfied by their answer, but didn't push any further, and soon they arrived at their campground. A crisp breeze ruffled the pine trees around them as they got out of the car, and Sayo, not for the first time, wondered if she'd made a terrible mistake by agreeing to come along.

"It's certainly chilly out here, isn't it?" Lisa's mother said, a somewhat worried look on her face. "Are you sure you'll be all right? Do you have enough blankets? How about matches to help start a campfire?"

"Yeah, yeah, we're fine! We checked all of this beforehand!" Lisa seemed to be doing her best to get her mom to leave.

"If you say so. I'll be back around midday tomorrow, but if anything comes up before then, please call me and let me know." As they finished unloading their bags and equipment from the car, she waved at them and started it up again, quickly receding into the distance.

"Like mother, like daughter, hmm? Always _so_ concerned about other people's welfare," Chisato said, smiling at Lisa.

"Shut up and help me set up this tent. Who's going to sleep in which one? We should probably decide now so we know where to put our stuff." Lisa looked up at the others expectantly.

Hina spoke up first, excitedly. "I'll be in a tent with Chisato!"

"Rejected." Sayo rapped her knuckles lightly on Hina's head. "Your sleeping posture is so awful I don't want to subject anyone else to it."

Chisato gave Sayo one of those irritating, knowing smiles of hers. "I don't have a problem with it. Lisa?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, it's fine with me as well." Whether Lisa was relieved or distressed, Sayo couldn't tell.

The campground was placed in the midst of a fairly wooded area overlooking a lake that even Sayo, despite her misgivings about the trip, had to admit was beautiful. More than visiting highly populated areas, perhaps, being out here in the middle of nature might suit her better, she thought, as, following Hina's lead, the four of them set out to explore the area.

The lake water was cold enough, at a touch, to dissuade Sayo from venturing out onto the slippery-looking pier, but Hina skipped energetically out onto it anyway, staring intently at the murky waters.

"I think I saw a fish! Are you allowed to fish here?"

"I'm not sure. You don't know how to fish, anyway, though, do you?"

"Don't you just put some bait on a hook and drag it through the water? It doesn't seem that hard…"

Sayo was no expert herself, but she thought there might be something more to it than that. Although it _was_ Hina, so it was certainly possible she had a natural skill for fishing, like she did for so many other things, that would make her adept at catching fish. Or alternatively, maybe fishing required too much patience—which Sayo's sister was not in abundant supply of—for her to have any success.

A flash of movement crossed the edge of Sayo's vision, and she, along with the others, turned away from the lake and towards the woods.

"That was a deer, wasn't it!" Lisa said excitedly. "I don't think I've ever seen one for real before."

"Should we head over in that direction, then?" Sayo suggested. "We might see something else interesting."

"My suggestion here," Chisato butted in, a measured tone to her voice, "is that we try and stick to areas that have clearly marked paths. Tramping around in the woods at random just seems like it's asking for trouble."

Compared to her usually impeccable fashion, seeing Chisato in rougher camping attire took a bit of getting used to. Perhaps, Sayo thought, the idea of camping in the wilderness itself was taking a bit of getting used to for Chisato as well. Shirasagi Chisato and the outdoors did not, at least based on Sayo's preconceptions, seem to possess a natural compatibility.

"It'll be fine, won't it? You don't get out enough, Chisato, that's your problem." Hina seemed unsympathetic.

"Yeah, I can see where you're coming from, but I think it seems kind of fun to see what's out there off the normal paths… like that deer earlier!"

At Lisa's comment, Chisato sighed and appeared to capitulate. "Yes, yes, the deer's very exciting, I know. It seems like people who possess good sense are in the minority here."

They began to trek off into the woods, twigs and pine needles crackling underfoot. Between the cloudy gloom that limited their range of vision and the towering trees surrounding them, it really did feel, at least to Sayo, as though they'd left the ordinary domain of humans they were used to and entered a realm under the control of some other, mysterious force.

Hina paused in front of a patch of large and oddly shaped mushrooms at the base of a tree. "Want to try and forage some food for dinner? It'll be like we're really living off the earth then!"

Lisa and Chisato made vaguely disgusted faces, and Sayo put down the final word herself. "Absolutely not."

Hina grumbled for a second, then quickly recovered her cheer. "Really, though, there's not a whole lot of animals or anything, it seems like. I was hoping for something more exciting. Like a monkey. Or a bear," she said, leaning against a tree.

"I think that might be a little _too_ exciting," Lisa said, laughing nervously. "I saw a couple of squirrels earlier, though!"

"Really, a squirrel? That's almost as exciting as seeing a pigeon out here." The atmosphere did not seem to be improving Chisato's mood.

Sayo stared out at the seemingly endless woods in front of her, half-paying attention to the conversation around her. If the weather were a little warmer, she thought, this kind of atmosphere would be perfect—no one else around, surrounded by a calming, overwhelming natural presence. Being around people had its advantages, of course, but being around trees wasn't so bad either.

Only half-concentrating on where she was going, she took a step forward and, tripping over something in her path, landed on her ankle awkwardly. An almost blinding pain greeted her when she tried to take another step, and she stopped, flinging a hand out to grab a nearby tree for support.

"Sayo? Are you okay?" Lisa's distressed voice was the first thing she heard, and quickly a supportive arm was wrapped around her shoulder.

"I'm… not sure, exactly."

Hina kicked around the pine needles on the ground where Sayo had been standing, laying bare a hole in the ground that seemed as though it had been dug by some industrious creature. "I think you stepped in this, probably," she said by way of explanation. "Is it sprained, do you think?" She looked obviously worried.

"I don't feel like I can put weight on it, so it's likely. It doesn't seem too serious, but still…"

"Should we head back, then?" Lisa asked. "There's a first aid kit we should be able to use."

Sayo shook her head firmly. "I'd feel bad if you had your day sidetracked for my sake. Go on ahead and I'll find my way back by myself."

"Even though you can't walk? I'll help you back, at the very least. What do you two want to do?" Lisa looked questioningly at Hina and Chisato.

"I'm worried about Sayo, but I'll leave her to you, Lisacchi!" Hina grinned.

"If you're going to keep going, then I should probably go along with you. Someone's got to make sure you don't do anything too stupid." Chisato put a hand on Hina's shoulder, stopping her from immediately running off. "If I were a more petty and less magnanimous person, I would say 'I told you so' for intentionally avoiding marked paths, but I'm not so I won't. I hope it isn't too serious."

"…Thank you."

After a tediously long and slow walk back to the campground, Sayo finally sat down in a folding chair, her foot resting on the cooler as Lisa bound it.

"It's pretty swollen. You'd better stay off of it for the next couple of days."

Sayo grimaced. "I'm sorry. If I'd been paying better attention, I wouldn't have caused all of you this kind of trouble. You're welcome to go regroup with the others—surely that's more interesting than sitting around here with me."

"It's fine, it's fine! It was an accident, right? You can't help that, it could have happened to any of us. Besides, I kind of wanted to talk to you anyway, Sayo."

"…Did you now."

"Um, well, we haven't talked a lot recently, right? So I thought it might be nice."

There was a certain awkwardness born from the fact that neither of them seemed to want to pay attention to the elephant in the room, but small talk was, in this situation, better than being left alone.

"What did you want to talk about?"

Lisa looked thoughtful for a second, then proposed a topic. "Have you been camping before? You seemed to have a lot of equipment."

"We went a couple of times when we were younger, but it's been a while. I don't dislike it, but I'm not sure I love it the way Hina does."

"She does seem like she's really enjoying herself, doesn't she?" Lisa laughed.

"You met her recently?"

"She showed up in my class asking after me the other day. I guess she figured out that the two of us were friends, so she was, uh, asking me a lot of questions. But we hit it off pretty well."

Sayo had an idea as to what the nature of some of those questions might have been, but for the moment she decided not to touch that issue.

"You did well. She's not the easiest person to get along with."

"She's certainly unique! Not a whole lot like you at all. I feel like I never get bored when I'm talking to her."

"Unlike me?"

"I didn't say that!" Lisa kicked the cooler, and Sayo yelped.

"Violence against an injured person… I thought you were a more honorable person than that, Imai Lisa."

"Maybe you thought wrong?" Lisa's mouth was smiling, but her eyes weren't in it. "Think about the situation you're in. I can do whatever I want to you and you're not going to be able to run away. How does that feel?"

Sayo gulped, unsure of how to respond, and then Lisa returned back to her normal smile.

"Just kidding! I read a romance novel recently about a woman who locked her lover in a room so he couldn't escape, so I guess I had that on my mind~"

"…I thought most romance novels were more light and fluffy. That doesn't sound particularly romantic, to me at least."

"It depends on your definition of romantic, I think! But yeah, I like the light and fluffy kind better in general… so don't worry, Sayo, I won't try and lock you up." She winked in Sayo's direction.

This whole conversation was starting to make Sayo feel weirdly fuzzy, so she somewhat forcefully shifted it in a different direction.

"How have things been with Yukina? You mentioned the other day that you'd eaten lunch together, didn't you?'

"Yeah, we did. It was nice, but it made me think that, well, there are some things that won't ever return to the way they used to be, you know? Sometimes you miss a chance and it doesn't come again." She smiled that sad smile of hers again. "Or to put it another way, no matter how much you might want things to stay the same, you can't stop them from changing."

Sayo couldn't come up with a response to that statement. Suddenly, she very much regretted asking the question she'd asked.

"Anyway!" Lisa said, more cheerfully. "Do you know how to start a campfire, Sayo?"

"Our father always did it, but I have some idea of the basics. You need fuel for the fire, of course, but also some smaller twigs or bits of newspaper to use as kindling…"

By the time Hina and Chisato returned, the fire was warmly blazing.

"Ooooh," Hina said, face full of wonder. "Nice work, Lisacchi! It feels real nice and warm, being next to the fire…"

"How's your ankle, Sayo?" Chisato asked, her cheeks turned light pink from the cold.

"I think the swelling's gone down a little, but I still don't know that I want to put weight on it. Did you two run into anything interesting?"

"Nothing in particular. Rocks, trees, mostly the same as what you saw before you hurt yourself."

"What? It was way more exciting than that! What about the cool stream we found? Or the weird mushroom that looked like a face? Or those animal tracks you told me not to follow?"

"I suppose it depends on your point of view. And while you might not have thought so because you have no conception of danger, nothing good is going to come from following random animal tracks around."

"Thanks for looking after Hina, Chisato." That statement earned Sayo a glare from Chisato's direction.

"It isn't as though I did it for you, you know. And you're forbidden from playing the responsible older sister card for the rest of this trip after you suggested we wander off into the wilderness and twisted your ankle because you weren't paying attention."

"Sorry. I won't do it again." This must, Sayo thought, be how Hina felt every time Sayo scolded her for being rash, and she cracked a smile.

As they ate dinner, warmed up on the portable propane stove they'd brought, the conversation quickly jumped around various topics of mutual interest.

"Oh, Minato Yukina? You guys know her? She's in my class but I don't think I've ever actually talked to her. Maybe I should…"

Lisa laughed. "I don't think she'd have any idea what to do with you, Hina! That in itself might be entertaining, though~"

"It's always a treat whenever I get to unleash Hina on someone who's not expecting her. The way they react—like they're not sure if they're being made fun of, or it's some kind of elaborate joke, or what—is truly entertaining. Don't you think so, Sayo?" Chisato glanced up from her food in Sayo's direction.

"She is my sister, in the end, so it reflects poorly on me if she makes too much of a fool of herself… but yes, I suppose I can see where you're coming from."

After they'd finished cleaning up all of the dishes (as best they could) and clearing up their equipment, Hina spoke again.

"The best part of camping is that you're so far away from all of the city lights. It really makes it so you can see the stars… Chisato and I found a pretty good place to watch them from earlier, so do you wanna go there together?"

"Wandering around in the dark with a sprained ankle seems like a terrible idea, so I'll pass."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot for a second." Hina frowned.

"The view from here is nice enough for me. If you'd like to go, feel free to."

"Chisato? Lisacchi?"

Lisa spoke up first. "I'm feeling a little bit tired, so I think I'll stay here where it's warm and keep Sayo company."

"I would also not mind staying near the fire, but I'll go with you because I'm such a lovely friend." Chisato tossed a pointed look in Sayo and Lisa's direction, and both of them flinched.

Then, flashlights in hand, the two of them disappeared into the darkness, leaving Sayo and Lisa alone by the fire.

"Want me to get some blankets out?"

"Sure."

Lisa rummaged through her tent for a second, then pulled out a thick blanket. After scooting her folding chair as close to Sayo's as it would go, she draped the blanket over both of them.

"…It really is pretty, though. The stars over the lake."

"…Yes."

Underneath the blankets, Lisa grasped Sayo's hand in hers, and Sayo made no move to extricate it.

"It sort of feels like the world is just the two of us, doesn't it? You'd think that'd be kind of lonely, but… it's not a bad feeling."

"No, it's not. I know what you mean." If only the world really was just the two of them, Sayo thought suddenly. If there were no other people to worry about, no society, no expectations, then… then maybe—

"Sayo, is it okay if I talk about what happened the other day?"

A shiver ran down Sayo's spine, and she nodded, wondering if it was visible in the faint light of the fire.

"I'm sorry I'm always so pushy. I do things without really thinking about them clearly, and then I regret them later, wondering if maybe I really ended up pushing you away this time. But after what happened at the festival… lately, I've started to get kind of desperate. I don't want things to turn out badly because I didn't do anything. With Yukina… I can't help but think, if I hadn't just let her go, would we still be close? I don't want to have that kind of regret anymore. Even if you don't do anything, that doesn't mean your relationships are going to stay the same." She paused. "So… it's kind of scary, but I feel like I have to be proactive. If I'm going to fail, I want to at least regret taking action rather than regret not taking action."

Sayo felt goosebumps raising on her skin. _Don't say it. I don't want to deal with this. What was wrong with just being close friends who played music together? Why did things_ have _to change?_

"I really, really like you, Sayo. And you can probably guess, but I don't just mean as a friend when I say that." From where their hands were joined, Sayo could tell Lisa was trembling.

She'd, well, known this was coming. Romance was something she was far from well-versed in, but the signs had been too blatant for her to ignore.

And yet, now that it was put to words, it was as though she'd been plunged into deep water. This kind of thing wasn't supposed to happen to her. Surely the people who'd raised her would never have expected that her life would take this kind of turn.

There was an easy way out of this, the way that they no doubt would encourage her to take. _One of your friends being in love with you sounds tough, but why not just reject her and move on?_ It was simple, straightforward, even relatively painless for Sayo herself.

But what those people surely wouldn't think of, what they couldn't possibly imagine, was that Sayo was torn about this. Not because she didn't want to hurt Lisa, or because she valued their friendship, although those things were certainly true. But because she was undeniably, inexplicably attracted to Imai Lisa.

Whether that feeling was "love" she couldn't say. But at the very least it had grown too large to fit neatly into the glass box called friendship, its surging tendrils poking at the contours and seeking their weak points. Soon, she was going to have to confront it face-to-face.

But now was not that time. For now, she just wanted to shove her feelings back into the recesses of her brain, to give herself just a little more time to come to a satisfactory answer.

So she took the coward's way out.

"I… really like you as well, Lisa. You're as important to me as anyone in my life is. But whether that's love… or whether I want to be in that kind of relationship with you… I really can't say. I don't know. It's almost too much to think about."

"…Yeah."

"I realize what it is I'm asking here, but… could you wait for me?"

Lisa exhaled loudly, as though she'd been holding her breath for several minutes. Sayo blinked, her heart still thumping loudly in her chest.

"Is everything all right?"

"It's fine, it's fine! I just, well, I kind of thought I was going to get rejected. So this is much better. Take as long as you need, Sayo. I'll be waiting here for you."

"…Even if you end up getting rejected in the end?"

"I mean, I don't want that to happen, obviously, but I said it earlier, right? Rather than just waiting for things to happen, I wanted to take action to change something in my life. This way, even if things go badly, then I can say it was my fault. That's a lot easier to accept than things being totally outside of your control, right?"

"I… really admire that part of you."

"You're saying that to the girl who just confessed to you? Sayo, are you _trying_ to get my hopes up?" Lisa laughed and laid her head on Sayo's shoulder. Above the flickering flames in front of them, the stars twinkled through the gaps between the trees. Tomorrow they'd return to the busy, bright, loud world they'd come from. But for just a little longer, Sayo wanted to stay in this gently glittering silence.

interlude: i

"So in the winter, you get what they call the Winter Triangle to show up. That's made up of Procyon, Sirius, and Betelgeuse!"

"I see."

Hina laughed. "You really don't have any interest in this kind of thing, do you, Chisato?"

"I do think the stars are pretty. I just don't know that knowing their names makes them any more so."

"You said that this kind of atmosphere was romantic, right? Do you think it's going in that direction for them back at the camp? I kind of wanted to stay back and watch, but I guess that would kind of defeat the point, huh?"

"Who can say. That sister of yours hardly seems like the romantic type, though, regardless of the scenery."

"I was really hoping it might make her happy. Lisacchi too, of course, but Sayo's… been all gloomy and sad for a long time, you know? So if there's something I can do for her, then…"

"In the end, she has to make the decision herself. If she doesn't choose to be happy, then it's never going to happen. Not that that's the only thing involved, but it's probably the most important step."

"Huh?" Hina wrinkled her nose in confusion. "Why would you choose not to be happy? I don't really get it."

"It's not choosing to be unhappy. It's just simply not making a choice."

"You say some difficult things sometimes, Chisato."

"It's not something I'd expect someone like you to understand."

"But you understand it?"

"Better than I'd like to admit."

Hina put her arm around Chisato's shoulder. "Being able to look at the stars with you really does make me happy, though! Don't you think it's great?"

"…It's not an unpleasant way to spend my time."

"That's not the same as it being pleasant, though, right?" Hina grinned. "Are you sad, or do you just not want to admit that you enjoy it?"

Chisato glared in Hina's direction. Really, this girl was the only person she knew who was both sharp enough to figure out what Chisato was thinking and rude enough to just say it out loud.

"I'm regretting coming on this trip in the first place."

"I like that dishonest part of you! It's entertaining." She flashed one of her brilliant smiles Chisato's way. "You know, you never told me what was going on with your acting. You quitting?"

"I'm just taking a bit of a break. Everyone needs a vacation sometimes, don't they?"

"Aww, too bad." Hina stuck her lower lip out. "I really like watching your acting. It feels like the real Chisato comes out, you know?"

"Isn't that kind of paradoxical?"

"Is it?" Hina asked, cocking her head to the side quizzically. "Whenever I watch something you're in, there's always something about it that reminds me of you. Even if it's just a small movement, like, 'Oh, that's something Chisato would do, isn't it!' You're not Chisato, but you are Chisato, you know?"

"You're making even less sense than usual. Acting is fundamentally about deceiving the audience into thinking you're someone you're not. Or are you saying I'm a bad actress because you're not convinced?"

"It's not that. It's like… you tell a lot of lies, right, Chisato?"

"That isn't a very nice thing to say about someone."

"But it isn't like if you were honest all the time you'd be closer to the real Chisato. The real Chisato _is_ someone who isn't honest. It's the same with acting. It's only by being the 'fake' Chisato on screen that the 'real' Chisato off screen becomes real."

"So my only major character trait is that I'm a liar."

"Is that so bad?"

"What if I want something like true happiness, or true love? How are lies going to get me there?"

"If your real self is you when you're lying, and the real self is like the true self, then maybe you can get to the truth by lying? I didn't really think this out that far."

Chisato burst out laughing, the sound coming off as unnaturally loud in the empty landscape. "For someone so smart, you really say some stupid things sometimes, you know, Hina?"

"You love me anyway, though, right?"

"Absolutely not."

"Is that a lie, too?" Hina grinned at Chisato again.

"…Figure it out yourself."

interlude: ii

Chisato unzipped the tent as gently as she could, then rezipped it once she was inside. Next to her, a figure stirred.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?"

"I wasn't asleep yet, so it's okay. Still can't calm down enough to sleep, honestly, after what I told Sayo!" Lisa laughed softly.

"…So you really did it. For someone who worries so much, you sure take some bold actions sometimes, I have to say." Chisato undid her jacket and began to get changed, the bright circle of her flashlight the only thing lighting up their surroundings.

"When what you want more than anything is right in front of your eyes, sometimes you just want to reach out and grab it, don't you?"

"…I can't imagine living like that."

"I don't think it'd hurt you to try every once in a while!"

"Anyway, what exactly happened?" Chisato asked, ignoring Lisa's comment.

"I got put on hold. Which… it's not a 'yes,' but it means I've got a chance, right?"

"Somehow, I'm not surprised that she would do something like that. Don't let her make you wait forever, all right? You're too soft when it comes to that girl."

Lisa laughed again. "I can't help it. I like her too much."

"…Love really does turn people into idiots, doesn't it?"

"That's why I have people like you around to talk some sense into me, isn't it?"

"At least you seem to realize the value of what I'm doing for you." Chisato sighed, not entirely discontentedly, and got into her sleeping bag. Finally at eye level with Lisa, the two of them stared at each other for a minute, and then Lisa spoke, voice soft and hesitant.

"Do… do you think everything's going to work out for me, Chisato?"

"You two are so into each other that I don't see how it couldn't."

"I see. Thank you," she said, smiling in a way that made her seem much younger than she was, then, as Chisato watched, drifting off into sleep. Hopefully, Chisato thought, staring at Lisa's sleeping face, her words had provided some reassurance.

She was far from the sentimental type, by anyone's estimation. The world was not, of course, kind enough to make two people happy just because they liked each other. That much was obvious.

But a part of her had recently—much to Hina's amusement—started to feel as though it might be nice if the world really was that kind. There were some times when people needed to be told the truth, as difficult as it might be for them to bear.

And yet there were also times where the best thing to do was tell a reassuring lie. And if enough people told the same lie enough times, then who was to say it wasn't the truth?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thought about dumping that hinachisa bit at the end because it's a little extraneous to the overall story, but i kind of like it so i kept it in.
> 
> programming note: probably about three or so more chapters remaining here. gonna try and finish up before the end of the year...!


	10. Princess in a Tower (I)

"Sayo! You have a second?"

Class had just ended for the day, and Sayo was making preparations to head home when Aya called out to her.

"What is it?"

An awkward look appeared on Aya's face, as though she were unsure of how best to broach the topic she wanted to address.

"Sayo, um, have you been… worrying about something recently, maybe? It's kind of showing on your face."

"…Oh." Sayo grimaced. "It's nothing you need to be concerned about. Just a bit of a personal problem."

"Well, I won't force you to talk about it if you don't want to, but how about doing something to help take your mind off of whatever you're worried about? Me and Kanon were going to go out shopping this weekend, so I was wondering if you might want to go too…" Her voice trailed off. Despite how much closer Sayo had gotten to her classmates, there were still times, it seemed, when she came off as difficult to approach.

Sayo's instinct was to reject the offer out of hand; it hardly seemed like a productive use of her time. But once more, she found herself strangely enticed by the normal high school girls' life her friends seemed to lead. In her pursuit of the sparkling high school experience she saw on TV and read about in manga, Aya seemed to have genuinely found something that, at least from Sayo's perspective, shone with a bright light.

"Sure. I'll go with you."

"Really? I'm looking forward to it!" Aya laughed, and Sayo could feel the whole atmosphere around them light up. "Last year, you know, I would never have imagined that I'd be going out on a weekend with Hikawa Sayo, of all people. But here we are! I guess you really can't judge people by your first impression of them, huh?"

"…I suppose not." That first impression of yours was probably correct, she'd been about to say. But what if Aya was right? What if this longing for a different kind of high school life had always been somewhere within her?

Sayo wasn't certain what to make of that idea.

She'd been through the shopping mall area too many times for her to keep track of, but this was the first time Sayo had visited the area together with any of her classmates. And the first time, she thought suddenly, that she'd been on this kind of outing with someone other than her sister or Lisa.

"Oh, cute!" Aya said as Sayo approached the two of them. "You don't normally wear tights, right? But they look really good on you."

"…Thank you."

"Is this another Lisa-planned outfit?" Kanon asked, smiling.

At the sound of Lisa's name, Sayo flinched, then nodded. "I wasn't sure if the overly long sleeves on this sweater were practical, but she assured me it looked cute…?"

"It definitely is cute! I got really used to seeing you like you are at school, with your uniform perfect and everything, but at this point I kind of feel like this look fits you better. Don't you think, Kanon?"

"I think that, after having gotten to know Sayo better, this sort of look might, um, fit more what she's like on the inside."

"In what way?" Sayo frowned.

Kanon smiled gently and continued. "Rather than being strict and severe and a little frightening, I would say you're more kind and cute and awkward. Maybe I'm just pushing my view of you onto you, but…"

Sayo wasn't sure how to respond to that, and after a second of silence Aya laughed. "I think we maybe went a little too far, Kanon!"

Kanon laughed as well, more nervously. "Maybe so. All I was thinking is that it would be nice if you could do what you wanted to do, Sayo. Without caring too much about what other people's image of you is."

"I see." If she actually knew what it was that she wanted to do, everything would be much easier, she thought to herself.

"Hey, Sayo, Kanon, what do you think of these earrings?" Aya held up a pair of long, intricate earrings, a grin on her face, and Sayo couldn't help but laugh.

"Are you certain those are earrings and not wind chimes?"

Aya looked thoughtful. "Maybe they serve both purposes…?"

"Anyway, have either of you bought anything in any of these shops we've been in? I'm not quite sure I understand the point of going around so many…"

"Practical as always, huh!" Aya grinned. "It's fun looking around even if you're not buying anything, isn't it?"

"Would you rather we did something else?" Kanon asked, looking slightly worried.

"No, it's fine." Sayo hurriedly waved her arms in front of her. "I'm just… not quite used to all of this. It's been entertaining, though. Thank you for inviting me."

"You're very welcome!" Aya gave Sayo's shoulder a quick squeeze. "Do you guys want to get something to eat? I'm getting a little hungry."

"I don't mind. Where would you like to go?"

"I want to invite the two of you to a stylish cafe, but…" She sheepishly produced a couple of slips of paper from inside her jacket. "Our manager gave us some coupons for the fast food place we work at, so it would be kind of a waste if I didn't get to use them…"

"I'm okay with that. Do you like fast food, Sayo? I wouldn't want to go somewhere where there was nothing you wanted to eat."

"I… eat it every once in a while. It's a fine choice."

Aya and Kanon watched, somewhat in awe, as Sayo shoveled a large quantity of french fries into her mouth.

"You… really like those, huh," Kanon said, smiling nervously.

Sayo stopped for a second, a fry halfway to her lips. "I… well…"

"Oh, I wasn't trying to criticize you or anything. If anything, it's kind of nice. Like I learned something about the real Sayo today that you'd only show your friends." Kanon seemed flustered.

Sayo looked down at the table, once again unsure of how to respond, and Aya hurriedly tried to cover over the silence.

"At the very least, has being with us made you feel a little less worried? It's not showing on your face as much as it was this past week."

"That much is, well, true, I suppose."

"Do you, um, want to talk to us about it? I don't want to be too, like, intrusive, but sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to…" Aya trailed off. It was true that it was not a worry that Sayo was terribly enthusiastic about sharing with others.

But, well, as absurd and likely difficult to relate to as this situation was, discussing it with other people—in as vague terms as possible—might help her reach some sort of solution.

"I was… confessed to. Recently." She grimaced as she finished speaking, foreseeing the kind of reaction her words would elicit.

"W-what?!" Aya's eyes seemed like they were about to bulge out of her head, and even Kanon looked as surprised as Sayo had ever seen her.

After a second, they calmed down, and Aya spoke again. "Romance, huh… That's definitely not what I was expecting, but I'm happy to listen!" She giggled. "Sharing love stories is something I've always wanted to do."

"So you're, um, worried about whether to accept this confession or not?" Kanon asked.

"That's the gist of it, yes. This person is a close friend of mine, but I'm not certain exactly what I want our relationship to be."

"It's kind of hard, isn't it? When you're friends with a boy, it kind of feels like your relationship's getting pushed in a romantic direction, even if that isn't what you want to do—"

"Um, Aya…" Kanon interrupted her, looking worriedly in Sayo's direction. At the word "boy" Sayo had frozen, and was now staring down at the few remaining fries in her tray.

"What? Did I say something strange… oh." In the middle of her sentence, Aya seemingly realized what was going on. "Sayo, um, is the person you're worrying about… a girl?"

"It's strange, isn't," Sayo said softly, gaze still focused on the table. "Seriously thinking about whether or not I want to date a girl."

"It's not strange at all." Kanon's voice was even more gentle than usual, and she reached across the table to lay her hand over Sayo's. "I think it's lovely, actually, that you've found someone you might feel that way about."

"You're just being kind to me, aren't you. Deep in your heart, you feel like it's abnormal, even if you won't say it out loud." Sayo roughly pulled her hand away.

"…Is the reason why you're worrying about this confession because because you're not sure if you like this person romantically? Or is it because you think dating a girl is strange?" Despite Sayo's rough outburst, Kanon remained calm. "I don't know what it's like to be in your position, so you can ignore this if you want, but… I said this before, that I admire people who are who they are despite what other people might think about them. So I don't think it's good to just stop doing something you want to do because other people say it's strange."

As loath as she was to admit it, Sayo was by this point uncomfortably aware of the way she thought about Imai Lisa. At the most inopportune of times, she'd suddenly remember the sensation of Lisa's lips on hers, or the warmth of her body, or the way she called Sayo's name, and feel a longing well up from her core.

Followed immediately by a bitter revulsion.

She'd wanted, even expected, her friends to tell her that she _was_ strange, that she _should_ just give up and pursue a more normal path. That they refused to do so was endlessly frustrating.

"No matter what happens, Sayo… I won't think you're strange. Or stop being friends with you. Or anything like that." Aya's voice was hesitant, but her words were warm.

Warm enough to begin thawing parts of Sayo's heart that she wished would stay frozen.

The evening of the next day, Sayo, as had become something of a routine for her, was once again at Lisa's house for dinner. Sitting on the couch, she listened to Lisa talk about the events of her day, a feeling that at once calmed her thoughts and set them in turmoil. In the background, the sound of Lisa's father chopping vegetables for dinner punctuated Lisa's sentences with an even rhythm until it suddenly stopped.

"Lisa? I'm just realizing that your mom forgot to buy broth for the soup. Could you run to the store real quick and pick some up for me?"

"Sure."

"Do you want me to come with you?" Sayo asked.

"I'll be all right. Just take it easy here, okay?"

She skipped out the door and Sayo sighed, glancing back towards the kitchen at Lisa's father. It wasn't that he was an uncomfortable person to be around, but going along with Lisa would certainly have been a more fitting way to "take it easy" than staying here was going to be.

"Do you need any help with anything?" she asked, as always unable to shed her inbred politeness.

"I think I'm okay for now." He smiled at her. "Minestrone isn't a very complicated soup to make."

"Do you… cook often?" Sayo had seen Lisa's father in the kitchen before, but she hadn't been paying close enough attention to tell how often dinner had been his work.

"Not every day, but I'm the main cook in this household. I'm guessing your dad doesn't do a whole lot of cooking?"

"Both of my parents work a lot, so to be honest neither of them do a whole lot of cooking. But it's hard for me to remember very many meals my father's actually cooked."

"Career types, huh? Well, it's not quite the way it used to be, but I still get strange looks every once in a while when someone asks if my wife made my lunch for me and I tell them I made it myself (and yes, she's still alive)."

"Does that kind of thing bother you?"

"It really doesn't. Around the time Lisa was born, I ended up leaving my job for a while to focus on childcare while my wife worked full-time, and a lot of people looked at me like I was crazy. But I've never been the type who fell for the rhetoric of 'oh, men have to be like this' or 'I can't do that, it's too feminine.' It always just seemed like nonsense to me."

"I see." Lisa's father was the kind of person Kanon had said she admired, wasn't he, Sayo thought. That kind of courage was something she had trouble believing she could ever muster.

"But it's also true that there are some things that people won't say to a big masculine guy like me that they might say to other people. It's a tough world out there, I don't mean to downplay it. So if you or Lisa ever run into any problems, just let me know and I'll see what I can do."

"…Thank you for offering." Sayo wasn't certain that her problem was one that could be so easily solved, but nevertheless the support was something of a relief.

After they finished dinner, Lisa was tasked with washing dishes, a job Sayo quickly offered to help her with. As she dried the dishes Lisa had cleaned and rinsed, Lisa spoke up.

"It's kind of nice, working in tandem like this. Don't you think?"

"I can see how it's more satisfying than doing the dishes alone, yes."

Lisa's father raised his voice from the other room, where he'd been quietly absorbed in a novel. "When Lisa's mom and I had just gotten married, we used to do dishes together a lot. At that time, we were so excited about the idea of living with each other that even chores started to feel kind of fun. If only that feeling had lasted…"

Lisa laughed. "I'll have to remember that one!"

Sayo smiled, and as a bubble rose up from the sink and popped itself on Lisa's hair, suddenly froze. In her mind's eye, for a second, she'd seen it. Her and Lisa, in an apartment somewhere, doing dishes together, Lisa splashing water at Sayo and laughing, Lisa gently running her hands through Sayo's hair, Lisa—

Sayo shook her head vigorously, and the vision broke.

"Sayo? Is something up?"

"It's nothing." The people Sayo was talking to recently were doing nothing but driving her in weird directions, weren't they. The path they were pushing her down—no real future awaited her there, she knew, but there was a growing part of her that, as unreasonable a thought as it might be, hoped that there was.

* * *

After cleaning everything up, the two of them retreated to Lisa's room, both leaning against Lisa's bed in their usual routine.

A routine that, recently, had Lisa feeling like she was about to lose her mind.

Sometimes, it was as though Sayo had no awareness of the situation she was really in. No doubt, she wanted to preserve the close friendship they'd had before Lisa had confessed to her, but wasn't she acting too much as though nothing had changed? Wasn't she, at the very least, a little uncomfortable being around someone who was so obviously in love with her? Who'd even kissed her?

Who, even now, was desperately trying to hold in her urge to put her hands all over Sayo?

Somehow managing to put a lid on her seething emotions for the moment, Lisa asked a question as calmly as she could.

"What'd you think of the soup?"

"It was good. I'd never had it before, but I certainly enjoyed it, minus the carrots."

"Soup without carrots… you're really missing out on all the best parts, Sayo."

"I'm happy to stay missing out if that's the case." Sayo moved her body slightly closer to Lisa's, to the point where their shoulders were almost touching.

Hold on. Wasn't this a little bit close? Even for friends? Sayo's expression hadn't changed, so what she was thinking at this moment Lisa had no idea. After a second, Sayo laid her head down on Lisa's shoulder, and Lisa instantly felt her heart rate jump.

"Sayo? Is, uh, something up?"  
"Nothing in particular. I just felt like doing this. Did you not like it?" She pulled her head back up and met Lisa's eyes.

"It's not that." It really wasn't that. Lisa was, to be honest, incredibly happy that Sayo was getting close to her like this. She was happy, but—

"Then what is it?" Sayo rested one of her hand's on Lisa's, and together with that action something snapped within Lisa, and the dam holding her emotions back collapsed.

"Do you really think nothing of touching my hand, or putting your head on my shoulder, or stuff like that, Sayo?"

"I… isn't this normal between close friends? I don't know that I thought very hard about it…"

"I _do_ think hard about it! In case you forgot, I confessed to you last week! When the person I'm in love with gets close to me, I can barely think straight! I don't understand how you can be so calm given the situation. Are you _trying_ to get my hopes up?"

Sayo looked taken aback. "I just—"

"Why don't you just admit it already? You aren't overly conscious about touching me because you don't think anything of me! Even though every time it's just the two of us my heart starts pounding like this!" Lisa roughly pulled Sayo's hand to her chest. "Even though I'm this desperate… you don't feel that way at all, do you?"

"That's not true!" Sayo raised her voice as well. "I'm just still not sure what answer to give you, that's all. I don't mean to make light of your feelings."

"What is there left to not be sure of, at this point? You can't figure out how you feel about me?"

A vulnerable look passed across Sayo's face, the kind Lisa wasn't used to seeing on her. "I'm… scared, to be honest."

Lisa blinked. That hadn't been the answer she'd expected at all.

"Scared of… what?" she asked, softening her tone.

"Of being labeled as one of _those_ people."

"By that, you mean someone who likes girls?"

"After talking to your father down there, I'm starting to think you don't really understand. Your parents are very nice people who are willing to accept things even if those things aren't what other people would call 'normal.' That's… not the way a lot of the rest of the world thinks."

"I know that much, but… are you saying you're hesitant to date me because you're scared of what people might say about you? About us?"

"…Do you think that's cowardly? Pathetic?" Sayo looked like she was on the verge of tears.

"No, not at all! I just… want to understand what's going on better, that's all. If there's anything I can do, I can try my best to do it."

"I don't think you can do much to change society for the better just by yourself."

"Maybe I can't… but maybe, I can change it for the better around you, at the very least."

"You really like me that much, don't you." There was something cold in Sayo's voice, and Lisa winced.

"Well, I mean… I just want you to be happy. Even… even if that means we don't end up together, that's what I want."

Sayo's face softened and she smiled, as though looking at a child she didn't know what to do with. "You're a kind person, Lisa. Even though that wasn't convincing at all."

Lisa laughed. "Would it be better if I told you I wanted to lock you up so you couldn't run away from me, instead?"

"I thought you weren't into those kinds of stories."

"I might've learned to appreciate them a little more recently." She grinned mischievously, and Sayo smiled back.

Maybe, even if things didn't quite go the way she hoped they would, there would still be a future of some sort for them.

"Oh. So she's worried about _that_ , huh." Hina put a hand on her chin thoughtfully. "That's a tough one, Lisacchi…"

"It's not hard to see why someone would think that, either," Chisato said, taking a sip of her tea. As always, she seemed too calm and composed to be hanging out in a family restaurant.

"So am I in the wrong, then? For, um, trying to push her a little more in my direction."

"I don't think so. Her way of thinking is understandable, certainly, but that doesn't necessarily make it right."

"But doesn't what's 'right' depend on how she feels? I don't want to do something that ends up hurting her…"

"Lisacchi." Hina's voice was soft yet firm, and somehow vaguely sad. "My sister's always been really good at running away. She's good at making up some reason why she's doing it, but that doesn't change that she's running away."

"A miserable way to live your life, isn't it? Doing your best to not get hurt, not realizing—or at least not acting on—the fact that there are an enormous number of things in life that you can't experience unless you're willing to get hurt." There was something bitter about Chisato's words, beyond just simple disgust with Sayo.

"Things you can't experience if you don't get hurt—what do you mean by that, exactly?"

"I'll put it like this. One of the people I worked with at an agency a couple of years ago was a former biologist, and he told me about what he said was one of the strange things about evolution. So, as you've no doubt learned, evolution works by what they call survival of the fittest: the individuals with the best traits are the ones who survive and produce offspring, and their traits get passed down, and then the best of those children pass their traits down, and so on. So you would think over time, every species would end up being the best it could possibly be, right? But actually, the way it sometimes turns out is that this idea of "survival of the fittest" ends up getting traits stuck in one place. Let's take eyesight, for example. If you were a bird, and there were a mutation that would eventually, after a few generations, improve your eyesight, but, in the interim, worsen it, then evolution wouldn't select for it, because it isn't capable of thinking in the long term like that. It just selects for the best traits in any individual generation, and selects against the ones that make an individual worse at survival. Does that make sense?"

"I… guess?" Lisa wasn't entirely sure where Chisato was going with this.

"It works as a metaphor for human behavior as well. Regardless of whether something will help them in the long term, if it's bad for them in the short term they won't do it. Even if there's a future peak awaiting them that's higher than the one they're currently on, if it means they have to go down into a valley to get there then that's no good. That's what Sayo's experiencing now. She's too blinded by the prospect of pain to see the potential happiness that might be waiting for her."

"How can you be so sure of that?"

"Because Chisato's been through the same thing, right?" Hina grinned.

"Must you be so tactless?" Chisato glared at Hina.

_In truth, as much as I might want to pretend that it isn't the case, there are a lot of things about Shirasagi Chisato that I hate._ The words suddenly flashed back through Lisa's head.

Chisato might, she thought, be a better person to go to advice than she'd originally imagined.

"Is there anything I can do, though? Specifically?"

Both Hina and Chisato looked at a bit of a loss for words.

"I think it's something she has to decide for herself," Chisato said, finally. "No matter how much we try to make things easier for her, we can't take that final step ourselves."

"You'll just have to dazzle her so much she realizes being with you is the superior choice, Lisacchi!"

"That seems like a bit of a tough burden, Hina…"

"I'm sure you're up for it." Chisato's tone did not exactly fill Lisa with confidence.

"I'll… try my best." Lisa wasn't sure whether to be excited or nervous. "Really… am I just going to get my heart broken, keeping this up?"

"I don't know. But if I said yes, would you give up?"

"…No." _I'm in too deep for that._

"That's what I thought." Smiling faintly, Chisato finished the rest of her tea.


	11. Princess in a Tower (II)

The chilly December wind bit at Lisa's cheeks as she waited outside Hanasakigawa's front gate, causing her to shove her face more deeply into the checkered scarf wrapped around her neck. Hardly weather she wanted to go out in, but, as silly as it sounded, when she noticed Sayo making her way in Lisa's direction, the cold suddenly seemed significantly more bearable.

"Sayo!" she called out, removing her hand from where it had been warming in her pocket and waving it in Sayo's direction.

"Lisa. Hello." Sayo's voice was measured, as it always was, as she came up to where Lisa was standing.

"It's cold, isn't it? I wonder if we should have picked a different day to go out."

"It's fine. You were looking forward to going out with me, weren't you? On a date." Sayo emphasized those last few words, making a face Lisa wasn't sure how to interpret.

"I didn't really have a _date_ in mind when I invited you out… Besides, I thought you would be more comfortable just going somewhere as friends."

"I'm already well aware of how you feel about me. I don't think we need to dance around it."

"It isn't difficult for you to be out with me? Based on what you said the other day."

"A little bit, perhaps, but…" Sayo trailed off, burying her face in her scarf so Lisa couldn't see her expression.

"But what?"

"The thought of not being able to be with you anymore is… more difficult." Her face might have been hidden, but Lisa could tell from the pink tinge to Sayo's ears that she was blushing.

"You can really say some romantic things when you want to, huh, Sayo? It's starting to feel like a real date!"

"That's not what I—"

"I know, I know. I'm just taking what I can get." The two of them had started walking, and Lisa couldn't help but steal glances at Sayo's gradually reddening hands. "But, well, if we are calling this a date, then do you want to stick your hand in here? It's not going to be any good if you get frostbite or something." She waved her open coat pocket invitingly.

"It's not cold enough to worry about something like that," Sayo said, but it seemed as though her displeasure was mostly surface-level. A cold left hand plunged into her pocket, the difference in temperature with her own almost making her raise her voice reflexively.

Slowly, tentatively, Lisa intertwined her fingers with Sayo's. Sayo made no effort to resist.

…No one could see their hands, so it was okay, right?

The other benefit of doing this, in addition to the whole holding hands thing, was that it forced Sayo to come closer to Lisa than her usual forearm's length of distance. It did make walking a little bit difficult, but that was a low price to pay.

"I've been meaning to get back to this cafe since the first time we went here, but this'll be the first time I've actually made it there."

"It was your birthday when we went last, wasn't it?"

"It was, yeah. It's kind of hard to believe that that was only four months ago. I feel like I've known you for much longer than that."

"You move fast."

"That might be true, too!"

The two of them eventually arrived at their destination, the cafe looking slightly different from December's perspective than it had from August's. The flowers in the boxes on the windowsill had changed colors and varieties, and rather than a pleasant, cool place to spend a sunny afternoon, it had transformed into a warm, cozy spot to escape from the cold.

"What are you going to order this time?" Lisa asked as they took a seat.

"Did you want to share two things again? There are still a lot of things on the menu we haven't tried."

"Are you that excited about the prospect of me feeding you again?"

"Unfortunately for you, it's no longer your birthday so that deal is off."

Lisa clicked her tongue disappointedly. "Ordering two things is fine. I do miss the days when you were a little easier to tease though, Sayo."

"Is it because I got inured to your teasing that you had to continue to up the stakes? Until we got to kisses and love confessions?"

"Sayo!"

"I'm joking."

Even after what Lisa had said to her the other day, there were still times when Sayo seemed as though she didn't quite understand exactly how committed Lisa was to all of this, which left her more than a little frustrated.

But as their tea and baked goods arrived, Lisa found herself caught up in the enjoyment of having conversations about nothing with Sayo. If she looked at what they'd done today from the right angle, they really could be lovers enjoying a relaxed date after school. Maybe, like her birthday, this would turn out to be a memorable moment in their relationship she'd look back on fondly.

"It's kind of nice, this atmosphere."

"Yes, it is, isn't it," Sayo responded, a wistful look on her face. Was she feeling the same thing that Lisa was? Or was that wistfulness reflective of a desire to return to the way things had been on Lisa's birthday, when their relationship had been a whole lot less complicated?

 _What do you_ really _want, Hikawa Sayo?_

* * *

"Nice work on the exams this time around again, Hikawa," her science teacher said to her as she passed the exams back.

"Thank you very much."

"It's that kind of attention to your grades, even though it might seem like a long way away, that'll bring you success in the future. I'm looking forward to seeing what you become."

Words Sayo was used to hearing. Normally, she would hardly have thought anything of them—it wasn't as though she felt her dedication to studying was anything worthy of any particular praise.

But today, they weighed heavily on her.

 _Your attention to your grades is good._ If she ever stopped being that attentive, there would be consequences.

 _This will make you successful in the future._ If she wasn't successful, then there must be something wrong with her.

 _I'm looking forward to seeing what you become._ Even if what she became was the kind of woman who longingly remembered other women's lips?

Sayo was used to feeling the weight of others' expectations. In certain circumstances, that sort of thing could become a force propelling her forward, compelling her to action when otherwise she would have remained fixed in stasis. But that was only true if you wanted to go in the same direction as the expectations placed on you.

If you were trying to go somewhere else, then it was the same as trying to run with weights placed around your ankles.

"My sister's getting married this weekend," one of Sayo's classmates said, a small group of them sitting on the school building's steps during a break in gym class. Recently, Sayo had been getting along slightly better with her classmates, to the point where they frequently felt comfortable enough to include her in their small talk.

"Really? Wow, marriage always seemed so far off to me, but she's only five or six years older than us, right?" asked a second classmate, her voice filled with wonder.

"Yeah, but she seems really adult about everything. I wonder if we'll be able to be that mature when that time comes for us…"

 _When that time comes for us._ No "if." When. It wasn't a strange choice of wording at all, really—they'd all, including Sayo, grown up assuming that marriage was normal and inevitable. But the forcefulness of the wording stuck out to her today, just how much it closed off alternative possibilities—regardless of whether Sayo wanted to take advantage of those possibilities or not.

"Mature? In what way?"

"She says that she and her fiance have been talking about when they'll be comfortable enough financially to have kids, and what exactly their future plans are with regards to that. Kind of crazy to think about it, isn't it?"

"Oh, wow. Well, I can't say I haven't thought about having kids, at least a little bit. Like what names I might give them if they were girls, stuff like that!"

"I've definitely done the same thing. Actually," the first classmate said, glancing in Sayo's direction, "I do kinda like the name 'Sayo' for a girl."

"…Thank you." An unpleasant feeling was starting to rise in Sayo's chest.

"You're welcome!" Her classmate laughed. "Have you ever thought about this at all, Sayo? What kind of names you'd give your kids?"

The feeling intensified, like a vice grip around her ribs, and a face couldn't help but spring to her mind. For someone like Lisa, marriage was as of yet a dream; children were similarly unlikely, as was the idea that she would get to name them. These girls didn't mean any harm with their words, but they still helped create a space of exclusion, one in which people who didn't fit into the narrow framework of existence deemed acceptable by society were constantly reminded of that fact. Not that Sayo was one of those people herself, but—

_Then why does it hurt so much? If it doesn't directly involve you?_

She was just concerned about Lisa, that was all. Anyone would feel upset if their closest friend was being insulted, however indirectly.

_Awfully empathetic, aren't you?_

It… wasn't hard to imagine Lisa in a situation like this, which was what was making Sayo act this way.

 _So then you're planning to get married? Have kids? What_ are _you going to name them?_

The constricting feeling in her chest tightened once more. Maybe at one point she'd had a future in mind that involved those things. But now, it was difficult to imagine. Not because it was too early for her to think about those things. But because sometime, without her fully realizing it, the future she'd built up for herself in her head had become predicated on being in a relationship with a woman.

"Sayo? Are you okay?" Her classmate peered at her face, looking worried.

"I… I'm sorry. I'm not feeling very well." Despite being outside, she felt as though all of the oxygen had been squeezed out of the air around her. Struggling to effectively draw breath, she walked, then, unable to maintain her dignity, broke into a run, desperate to find a place far away from all of this.

Sayo collapsed onto her bed, thankful for once that her parents weren't home to ask questions about why exactly she'd showed up before classes were over. No matter how much she'd been consumed by worry before, it had never gotten to this point.

_Is it like this for other people? Am I just not strong enough to bear it?_

Her options had seemed fairly straightforward the way she'd laid them out in her head. If she chose to accept Lisa's confession, then she would receive some level of censure and pain for her decision. If she chose to reject it, then she would, while perhaps missing out on some degree of happiness that her potential relationship with Lisa might bring her, at least be able to live contentedly without worrying about the pressures of living as a woman dating another woman.

But Sayo wasn't, it seemed, going to be able to draw that line as clearly as she'd hoped. If what had happened earlier was any indication, then regardless of whether she was in a same-sex relationship or not, those attitudes were still going to hurt her.

That desire was still going to be a part of her.

In other words, she was realizing that she couldn't escape. At some point, she'd unknowingly passed through a gate that had shut firmly behind her, its black, uncaring iron bars refusing to let her back out no matter how hard she pounded on them. She was no longer able to return to a world before she'd met Imai Lisa, a world before she'd known what it was like to fiercely want to feel another girl's skin, a world where she acted perfectly in line with what was expected of her.

Saying you didn't want something, it turned out, couldn't stop you from wanting it.

_Just be honest with yourself already. If suffering awaits down either path, then why not just take the one that will make you happier?_

But even though she could comprehend the logic in that statement, Hikawa Sayo was still, as ever, a coward. Taking the additional step of admitting to the world that she _liked women_ required a certain level of bravery she could not, as of yet, find within herself.

Suddenly she, more than anything, wanted to see Lisa. To hear her voice. But even as she grabbed her phone in her hand to compose a message, when it came time to actually do it, she hesitated, staring at the keyboard until she slowly drifted off into sleep.

The room was dark. Unnaturally so, to the point where Sayo couldn't even see her own hands. But as she was beginning to panic at the situation she'd found herself in, a series of spotlights turned on, shafts of light illuminating the darkness around her.

This was, she realized, a courtroom. In front of her, seated behind a large podium, was an ominous, imposing figure wearing judicial robes. The figure's face, despite the spotlight shining down on it, was blurred, as if being obscured by the static from an old TV. It was unclear whether what was sitting there was human.

"Hikawa Sayo," the judge spoke. While its face might have been blurred, its voice boomed clearly across the deathly silent space. "Are you aware of the reason why you have been called here today?"

"…I am not." Sayo's voice came out weaker and more feeble than she'd expected it to.

"In that case, I will call for an explanation. Listen carefully."

To the right of the judge, a figure slowly came into view. Its face was, like the judge's, blurred, but this time, Sayo could clearly tell who it was.

Her father.

"Sayo," he said, in that dry, matter-of-fact manner of his. "We've done our best to provide opportunities for you to ensure your future success. I thought you realized that you needed to work hard in order to achieve what you were capable of. Your sister can get away without spending much time studying, but you aren't the same. You do realize this, right?"

"…Yes."

"Recently, though, you've started to think that you would rather spend your time with your friends than study, though, have you not? It doesn't concern me overly what it is you do with your time, but I do find it disappointing that you don't seem to be living up to your potential. What exactly did we put all of this effort into trying to raise you the right way for?"

Sayo stared at the floor, unable to respond. Her father raised a hand to his blurred face as though adjusting his glasses, and then continued, his tone sharper and more ugly than before.

"You're starting to think that you might be something other than what you've been told you were. Not only that, but you think that being that person might make you happier than doing as you're told." He laughed scornfully. "What nonsense. The world doesn't reward people like that, Sayo. You can't outrun your fate forever, so you might as well just listen to us and face it."

Her father slowly faded out of existence and, on the spotlight on the opposite side of the judge, her mother appeared, staticky face making her seem even more unreadable than usual. The unease that had sprouted in Sayo earlier was slowly blossoming into something worse, but her feet refused to obey her commands to run.

"I figured even someone like you would end up in this position at some point." Sayo's mother sighed. "Even the most serious of us find a time when we fall in love, or at least a time where we find it beneficial to be in a romantic relationship. But a _girl_? Surely you're smarter than that, Sayo. You don't really think this is going to end well for you, do you?"

The static shifted formation into something vaguely resembling a smile, and Sayo shivered.

"Regardless of your poor decision-making, I'm a little shocked you don't find the whole thing repulsive. From a biological standpoint, it's clearly unnatural, isn't it? And from a societal standpoint, no matter how much adolescent girls might joke around with each other, it's only acceptable because it's clear it isn't serious. For someone to really care about someone of the same gender like that—it's a little difficult to fathom.

"But that's where you are, aren't you, Sayo? You didn't push her away after she kissed you. Instead, you started to secretly wish that she'd do it again. You started to feel as though what you were feeling was really love rather than just children playing at romance. I always did worry that you were a little naive, but to think that things would end up like this… we really did make a mistake somewhere raising you, didn't we?" Her mother paused. "While you've disappointed us, there's still time for you to fix things. Stop 'following your heart' or whatever it is you've been doing and act logically. Think about the future. You're good at that, are you not?"

She slowly faded out of existence and, once more, the judge spoke.

"You've now heard an explanation as to why it is you've been called here. Do you have anything to say in your defense, Hikawa Sayo?"

Even if Sayo had had anything she'd wanted to say, her throat was currently too choked up for her to be able to get any words out. Hikawa Sayo wasn't usually the kind of girl who was quick to tears, but when she was in front of her parents, suddenly her tear ducts found themselves loosening.

"Nothing?"

Everything that had been said to her was true. She couldn't find any logical grounds on which to deny it. And yet it felt _wrong_ , unfair, in a way Sayo couldn't quite express.

 _If_ you _were here, then surely, you'd know exactly—_

"If you have nothing, then…"

A wave of panic swept over Sayo, and once more she tried to run, to force her legs to move, to do anything she could to not be in this place any longer.

"Sayo?"

A familiar voice. The courtroom began to shake and swirl, the judge's voice fading until Sayo could no longer hear it.

"Sayo!"

And then it vanished and Sayo was back in her bedroom, the vestiges of guilt and fear from her dream still coursing through her mind, her forehead uncomfortably sweaty and her breathing hard.

"Are you all right? You seemed like you were having some kind of nightmare…" A concerned face peered down at hers, and as Sayo's brain began to extricate itself from that haunting courtroom, a new confusion arose at the situation she found herself in.

"…Lisa?"

* * *

_I want to see you_

No warning, no proper punctuation, no context. Just those five words, appearing in a message from Sayo on Lisa's phone. There was still another class to go after her break ended, but she had suddenly lost all interest in attending.

_Where are you? At Hanasakigawa? I'll come as soon as I can!_

There was no response, and Lisa, grabbing her bag, hurried over to Hina's class. Hurling open the sliding door, she called out, "Hina, are you there? It's important!" No doubt her actions would draw her a lot of unwanted attention, but she couldn't bring herself to care about something like that right now.

"Lisacchi? What's up?" Hina asked as she came up to the door, her eternally bright and cheery expression slightly clouded over.

Lisa shoved her phone in Hina's face. "What am I supposed to do about _this_?"

Hina blinked at what she was seeing, then slowly grinned and ran back to her desk. When she returned, she pressed something into Lisa's hand, its cold metal standing out against the warmth of Hina's skin.

"Her school sent me a message earlier, 'Sayo went home early because she wasn't feeling well.' I kinda wanted to just leave class and be with her when I heard, but having you go seems like it'll be more fun."

Lisa stared at the object she'd been given. A house key. "Is it okay to give this out so casually?"

"Well, I'm gonna need it back, but I trust you, Lisacchi. Plus, you're the one my sister wants to see, right? If I can do anything to make her feel better, then I gotta do it!"

"You really love Sayo, don't you?"

"Aren't you the same?"

"Well, yeah…"

Hina laughed, then a faintly sad expression appeared on her face. "She's not the kind of person to rely on other people when she's in trouble, you know? Even to me, she'd never send a message like that. So you've definitely become special to her. Though I dunno if it's the kind of special you want to be."

Lisa wasn't sure if she was supposed to be happy about what Hina had said or not, but nevertheless she gripped Hina's house key harder, to the point where the teeth bit into her skin.

Then she ran, her other worries subsumed by the power of that five-word message.

"Why… are you here?" Sayo asked, mind still seemingly befuddled by sleep.

"'Cause you sent me that weird message! I couldn't just ignore it, so I got Hina to lend me her key."

"Weird message?"

"That you wanted to see me! You've never sent me anything like that before, so I had no idea what to think."

Sayo, apparently realizing what Lisa meant, turned abruptly red. "I… sent that? I didn't think I'd actually written it out. Maybe when I was half asleep, yes, it must have been," she said, as though she were talking to herself.

"So it was an accident? You didn't really mean it?" Lisa asked, half-teasingly.

"No, I did mean it!" Sayo hurriedly contradicted Lisa's words. "You're… the person I most wanted to see right now."

Lisa felt something tighten in her chest. Sayo's hair was a mess, and there were faint tear marks around her eyes. She'd never seen Sayo look this vulnerable before. It hurt, but at the same time, knowing that Sayo trusted her enough to show her this vulnerability filled Lisa with an equivalent amount of happiness.

"Did, um, something happen? Why did you want to see me?"

Sayo grimaced. "It's a little bit pathetic, but… will you still hear me out?" She sat up on her bed, looking vaguely nervously in Lisa's direction.

"Of course! And whatever it is, it won't be pathetic. I promise." Lisa placed her hand over Sayo's. The pained look had yet to vanish from Sayo's face, but she nevertheless made no move to push off Lisa's hand.

"My classmates were talking," she began to speak, voice halting, "about getting married and having children in the future. A normal conversation, hardly worth taking note of, but I couldn't help but think—" Sayo broke off, a painful expression clouding her face.

Lisa wasn't entirely certain what it was that Sayo was getting at. "You were worried that if you started dating me you wouldn't be able to do those things? Is that it?" She couldn't help but feel that Sayo was getting a little ahead of herself with thinking about marriage and the future, but now seemed like the wrong time to say that.

"Do you never worry when you hear those sorts of conversations?"

"Well, I mean… it's not like marriage and children were some kind of life goal for me, right? So even after I realized I was, you know, in love with you, it didn't change things too much." Lisa paused. "But, well, I think the level might be different between us, but I might know the kind of thing you're talking about. When I read romance novels these days, even if I like the story, it's sort of like it doesn't quite feel right? Like there's something about my feelings that can't quite be expressed in a story about a guy and a girl. The other day, too, my friends were reading a magazine article talking about how to make the guy you like look your way and the whole classroom was getting into it over our lunch break. It just kind of made me think how there's never going to be a classroom of girls getting all excited about dating other girls, you know? It doesn't hurt, exactly, but it does make me feel a little bit sad, somehow."

"I see." It was unclear whether what Lisa had said had made Sayo feel better or worse.

"Oh, but even though I said that!" Lisa added on, hurriedly. "My mom says that there are actually magazines out there aimed at women who like women. And communities out there where you can talk to people who are like you. So yeah, it's kind of sad sometimes, but it's not all doom and gloom, especially not these days."

"You mentioned this to your mom?"

"…Yeah. Well, to be honest, I asked her a couple of questions that I thought were vague enough that she wouldn't figure it out, but, uh, she saw through me."

"Did my name come up?"

"No, but, I mean, you're the only girl who comes over to my house, and I'm not sure I'm doing a great job of hiding it, so she might know I like you. But I did say I don't have a girlfriend, so even if she does know it's not like she automatically thinks you're gay or anything…"

Sayo sighed. "It's fine, either way."

"Sayo?"

"Ever since I met you, I've realized a lot of things. I was the kind of person who had no real passions, who did well in school not because I cared about school but because the people around me told me it was important. Who wore bland clothing not because I enjoyed it but because wearing something else would clash with the image other people had of me. Who found myself slowly progressing towards some sort of vaguely defined future—a successful career, a husband, kids—that I'd been led to believe was important.

"But Hikawa Sayo… might not actually be that person. She might not fit into that framework at all."

"That's… kind of what I thought, yeah."

"I said it last time, didn't I. That I was scared of being labeled as the kind of person who likes girls."

"…Yeah."

"But regardless of whether I go out with you, I think… I might be that kind of person anyway."

"Sayo, you mean—" It was as though Sayo's words had set off a flash bang in Lisa's head, leaving her temporarily unable to think straight. Has she just said what Lisa thought she'd said?

"You said the other day that I was able to get so close to you because I didn't think anything of you. That's, well, not the case." She leaned against Lisa, dangling her legs off the edge of the bed, and Lisa found herself almost unconsciously putting an arm around Sayo's shoulders. "The reason I've worried so much about all of this is because I really, really do like you. When I feel nervous I find that, more than anything, what helps me calm down is having you nearby. I've never really had anyone who I've felt this comfortable just being around before."

"I'm happy to hear that, Sayo, of course, but, um, you mean you like me as a close friend? And don't want me to get hurt?"

Sayo blushed. "That's not it. I… sometimes, almost at random, I remember that time when we kissed. In the sense that if it were with you, I wouldn't mind, well…" She trailed off, seemingly too embarrassed to finish her thought.

But her feelings had clearly reached Lisa.

When it came to Yukina, when it came to a lot of her friendships, honestly, she was used to being the one who put the most effort in, the one who was the most invested in making the relationship work. As her feelings toward Sayo had grown and Sayo's had seemingly stayed in the same place, she'd told herself that she was fine with that status quo, as long as she could stay by Sayo's side.

All along, though, she'd been searching for something in return, hadn't she. Just once, if someone could feel the same way about her as she felt about them—

"So, to be totally clear—you like me? Romantically?"

"…It's still a little difficult for me to express with words, but hopefully this will suffice," Sayo said, her voice a nervous half-whisper. Then she tightly embraced Lisa, burying her head in her shoulder.

Lisa wrapped her arms around Sayo in return, the smell of Sayo's shampoo swirling around her. The feeling of Sayo's body against hers was always warm, but this time it felt even warmer than usual, comfortable to the point where she could imagine no place she would rather be at this moment.

_So this is the power of requited love, huh…_

Tears welled up in her eyes, but she forced them back. Now wasn't the time. Everything wasn't yet settled.

"Sayo."

"Yes?" Sayo answered, without moving, voice still slightly muffled by Lisa's sweater.

"I know how you feel about me now. But, well, that's not the same as you saying you're okay going out with me, right?"

Sayo pulled her head up off of Lisa's shoulder. "If we started dating… I think there would be times where it would end up being painful for me."

"…Yeah."

"But I also think that it might really make me happy. I'm just not sure what's best to do."

Lisa thought for a second, and then, stroking Sayo's hair, spoke.

"Sayo, do you remember what I said to you after the cultural festival? About how we were hurting each other by not being close enough?"

"I do."

"At the time, I wasn't sure I really believed what I was saying. But the more I think about it, the more confident I feel that that's the case, just maybe in a slightly different way."

Sayo's eyes were filled with an expectant light, as though she were desperately hoping that Lisa's words would offer her some sort of salvation. Lisa swallowed nervously, and then continued.

"I'd be hard-pressed to call my life difficult, but, just like anyone, I have moments where I feel lonely, or sad, or lack confidence. I have things I regret and things that are tough for me to deal with, like my relationship with Yukina. And while there have certainly been times where we've hurt each other, or I've worried about how things were going with you… the pain that caused me was far, far overwritten by the comfort of having you by my side when I needed someone there." She did her best to smile, to avoid crying for just a little bit longer.

"So, Sayo… I can't say it won't hurt, the two of us being together. But can't we at least split that pain between us? I don't want either of us to cry alone anymore."

Sayo blinked slowly, and then softly spoke. "If you're here, then it's okay? To cry."

"As much as you want."

Sayo nodded, and then buried her face in Lisa's shoulder again, the warm, damp feeling of her tears gradually permeating Lisa's sweater. Lisa tightened her embrace and once more ran her fingers gently through Sayo's hair.

She didn't know everything about Sayo, only what she'd been told. But she got the sense that Sayo had been forced to grow up a little too fast, that she didn't have, or didn't feel like she had, places to go when she felt sad, when she needed someone to comfort her. So if she could be that place for Sayo—that, more than anything, was what she was looking for.

Though the thought of Sayo doing the same for her was, well, not bad either.

After Sayo had calmed down some, the two of them repositioned themselves at the foot of her bed, in the position they normally took at Lisa's house. There was still a dreamlike quality to the atmosphere around them, as though anything could happen and Lisa would believe it.

"You mentioned romance novels earlier," Sayo said, her voice still not quite as crisp and clear as it usually was.

"I did, yeah. What about them?"

"I was remembering I read one of the ones you recommended recently. About a girl in a fantasy setting who's being forced into an arranged marriage she doesn't want to be in, and the prince who ends up coming to her rescue."

"Oooh, that's a good one. I'm a real sucker for those kinds of stories, even though they're a little cliche."

"I certainly enjoyed it more than I expected to. But, like you said earlier, something didn't feel quite right about it to me."

"What's that?"

"If I were in a position where I needed a prince to come and save me," Sayo said, a flash of Hina's grin appearing in her smile, "really, rather than a handsome blond man, I'd want it to be a brown-haired girl with pink earrings."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be the final one. sort of an indulgent epilogue, sort of not.
> 
> thanks to everyone who's said nice things about the fic so far! i'm also now, against my better judgment, back on twitter @rainclouded_ if you wanted to ask me anything there.


	12. Bouquet of Thistles

"Whew, I'm kind of nervous!" Lisa said, accepting Sayo's bags of groceries as Sayo unlocked the door to her house.

"Were you not just here the other day? Besides, it's not as though anyone's going to be back until late."

"It's different this time! Anyone would get nervous, visiting her girlfriend's house."

"Is that how it works?"

"Next time you show up at my place you'll definitely understand what I mean." The two of them walked through the entrance into the kitchen, placing down the groceries on one of the counters.

"Anyway," Lisa continued, "wouldn't it have been fine to just eat dinner with us? I mean, if you knew your parents were going to be late and Hina was going to stay over at Aya's with your classmates."

"I don't want to impose too much. Besides, chikuzenni is one of those dishes that it seems like it might be important for me to learn how to make." She smirked faintly, in a way that Lisa wasn't sure if she found obnoxious or charming.

"That's right. I'm going to decide whether or not I want to keep you around based on how well you can make my favorite meals for me, so you'd better study up!"

"I'll have to make sure to do my best, then," Sayo said, smile changing to something a little more gentle.

With just that, the unfamiliar house she was in began to feel a little bit friendlier.

Lisa had watched her parents make chikuzenni, and attempted to do so herself, enough times that she didn't really need to pay too close attention to every individual step, but somehow watching Sayo cook made her more acutely aware of what she was doing.

"You haven't cut the taro very evenly."

"Does it matter? Yes, your burdock is very nicely chopped, but you're taking forever to get anywhere!"

"It'll taste better if we're neater."

"I'm sure it will."

Eventually, they dumped Sayo's very neat ingredients and Lisa's slightly rougher ones into the pan, Lisa giving a particularly picturesque burdock slice a petty stab with the stirring spoon.

"The recipe my parents use usually adds some sake here, but we couldn't buy any of that at the store so it's probably fine without."

"It's possible there's some in one of the cupboards here, but it seems like it might be wise not to use it."

"You want to save it so we can engage in some underage drinking later, right?"

Sayo didn't dignify that with a response.

After adding everything in, they let their meal briefly simmer, hanging out in the kitchen to keep an eye on it. The house was filling with a pleasant smell, and as Lisa breathed in deeply she wrapped her arms around Sayo's stomach from behind.

"What is it?"

"Nothing in particular, really! I just felt like doing this."

"You really are fond of this kind of thing, aren't you."

"You're just realizing this now?"

"I feel like it's been increasing in frequency recently."

"I'm just making up for all the times I wanted to hug you before but held myself back!"

Sayo sighed, but it was easy to tell she wasn't seriously disappointed. The two of them remained in the same position for another minute until the sudden noise of the front door unlocking prompted them to spring apart.

The figure who appeared in the doorway was a somewhat tired-looking woman in her forties, strands of her black hair falling down into her face as she took off her dress shoes in the entranceway. Her suit was, despite the other aspects of her appearance, fresh-looking and free of wrinkles.

"Welcome back, Mom," Sayo said in a tone of voice Lisa hadn't heard from her before. "You're home earlier than usual."

"Everything ended up going shockingly smoothly at work, so I'm home early for once. Who might this be?"

"Oh, I'm Imai Lisa! Sayo's, uh, friend." Lisa didn't feel like she knew enough to tell whether this was a dangerous situation to be in or not. Sayo didn't really talk about her parents much, and while Lisa didn't get the impression that their relationship was _bad_ per se, that didn't mean it was good either.

And then, of course, even if Sayo did get along well with her mother normally, there was no telling what might happen when a girlfriend was thrown into the mix. Lisa didn't know for certain what Sayo's mother might think about the prospect of her daughter dating a girl, but after seeing how much Sayo had struggled after Lisa had confessed to her, it seemed exceedingly unwise to introduce herself in the most accurate manner.

"It's nice to meet you. Are the two of you cooking something? It smells good."

"Chikuzenni, yes," Sayo responded. "There should be plenty if you'd like to eat as well."

"I'll take you up on that offer. It's been some time since I came home to a meal already cooked for me."

After a few more minutes of stirring, the liquid had mostly boiled away and Sayo dished up three bowls of chikuzenni. As the three of them sat around the Hikawas' dinner table, Lisa felt herself tense up, unsure of what exactly was to come.

"Are you a classmate of Sayo's?" Sayo's mother asked, sounding neither interested nor disinterested in her own question.

"Um, I'm a student at Haneoka, actually. Where Hina goes. Sayo and I met… by chance, I guess, is the best way to phrase it, a few months ago."

"I see. Was the chikuzenni your idea? It's quite good."

"Thank you! It was… both of our idea, I guess? Sayo helped out, too, so she deserves a lot of the credit."

"I see I've raised a good daughter." Sayo's mother smiled for the first time, and an awkward look appeared on Sayo's face.

For a second Lisa thought that Sayo was just unused to being praised by her mother, but after Sayo glanced uncomfortably in Lisa's direction, she got a better idea of what her girlfriend was thinking.

A good daughter, well, might not be the kind who was dating a girl.

"She really is a good person. I've been saved by her friendship a whole bunch of times by this point."

"You're exaggerating," Sayo said, a somewhat sour look on her face. "It's a bit of a one-sided friendship, given how much troubled I've ended up causing for you."

"Trouble? I don't remember anything like that happening." Lisa grinned back at her.

Sayo's mother laughed softly. "You two do get along well, don't you? I'm not used to seeing this side of Sayo."

Maybe it was just Lisa's terminal good-naturedness getting the better of her again, but she couldn't bring herself to believe that Sayo's mother was a bad person, or that she'd do anything to hurt Sayo. This was, well, an unexpected situation, but it didn't seem like an unmanageable one.

"Did you want to stay over tonight, Lisa?" Sayo's mother asked after they'd finished cleaning up. "It isn't exactly the nicest weather for you to walk back in…"

"If it's… not a problem, then, of course!" Lisa glanced over in Sayo's direction.

"We should have whatever you'd need to stay over here already. There are a lot of travel kits for use on business trips. And I can lend you something to sleep in."

"Great!" Sayo's mother said. "I'll go heat up the bath, so Lisa, you can get in first."

Sayo vanished off in the direction of her room, then returned with a change of clothes. "The underwear are new, don't worry."

Lisa briefly thought about making a joke, but as she opened her mouth she saw Sayo's frown and thought better of it. "Thanks, Sayo."

Sayo just sighed in response, the wrinkle that had appeared in her brow during dinner refusing to leave her forehead.

Upon getting out of the bath, the first person Lisa ran into was Sayo, who was preparing to get in after her. "Just wait in my room," she was told, and as she was making to follow those instructions a voice called out to her.

"Lisa? Would you mind talking for a second?" Sayo's mother was smiling at her, her expression unreadable in a way that reminded Lisa of Chisato.

"Oh, of course!"

Lisa sat down on the living room chair opposite the sofa, somewhat nervous about what she was about to be asked. It was very much possible that this situation could go in an uncomfortable direction quickly.

But her fears weren't confirmed, at least not immediately. "I'm happy to see that you're getting along with Sayo," Sayo's mother said. "This might be the first time she's brought anyone over here, at least as far as I know. Does she have many friends among her classmates at school? Do you know?"

"There are a couple of girls I know she's been getting along with recently. She said she was out shopping with a couple of them the other week, I think…"

"That's nice to hear. That girl has a tendency to take on too much, as you might know. That sense of responsibility is a good thing, but I don't want her to be too burdened. It's important for her to be able to relax."

"Yeah." _Oh. She's just asking me normal mom things_ , Lisa thought. Given how little Sayo talked about her family, she'd been a little worried, but it seemed that their relationship wasn't too different from that of any mother and daughter. "Sometimes it seems like she might do good by learning from Hina's example, though she'd probably get mad at me for saying something like that." She laughed.

"Hina probably has a healthier approach to life in certain respects, I won't deny that." Sayo's mother smiled again. "But neither of my girls are the easiest people to get along with, so I'm glad that they've found someone who seems to really care about them. Thank you."

"Oh, it's nothing!" Lisa said, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious. "They're both very nice people, so I'm the one who's lucky to have their friendship. I'm just ordinary, after all…" Being complimented by Sayo's mother was almost as embarrassing as being complimented by Sayo herself. And Lisa wasn't exactly good at receiving compliments in general.

"Well, I don't want to take up too much of your time. But I will say one thing to you: be careful." Sayo's mother was still smiling, but there was something steely in her gaze that told Lisa she was dead serious. "Sometimes children get involved in things they don't fully understand. Sayo seems happy, so I won't take any action right now, but one part of being an adult is making decisions for your children that will benefit them in the long term, even if they don't necessarily appreciate them in the moment. Keep that in mind, won't you?"

"Sorry, I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to say," Lisa said, on the faint hope that playing dumb would get her somewhere. She couldn't have any real proof to back up what she was saying to Lisa, could she?

"Well, just take this as general advice, then. There are are a lot of paths that are open for you in life. That's not the same thing as there being a lot of paths that you should realistically take. A lot of them only end with you being hurt, in one way or another. It's not terribly exciting to take the path that least rocks the boat, but it's the smart decision. One way or another, I think you'll eventually come to understand that." She brushed her hair back behind her shoulder, purposefully or not giving Lisa a glimpse of her exposed collarbone and, just below it, the edge of a deep, faded scar.

"I'll, um, try to remember that." Lisa glanced behind her and barely stopped herself from breathing a sigh of relief upon seeing that Sayo was out of the bath.

"What were you talking about?" Sayo asked, the hot water seeming to have done nothing for her troubled expression.

"We were just having a friendly chat. Should I not be interested in my daughter's friends?"

Sayo heaved a sigh. "Let's go, Lisa."

"Okay! Um, good night, Ms. Hikawa."

"Good night, Lisa," Sayo's mother said, flashing a perfect smile their way. Lisa had thought earlier that that smile reminded her of Chisato, but upon seeing it again it came off as far more unsettling than any expression her golden-haired child actress friend had directed her way.

Once they were out of earshot, Sayo spoke softly. "What did she say to you?"

"Nothing important, really. She just wanted to know how you were doing, what you were like around your friends, that sort of stuff. Normal mom questions."

Sayo looked relieved, and for a second her expression softened. "I was worried she'd said something rude or unpleasant to you. More than anything, that was why I didn't much want you to meet my parents."

"She seems perfectly nice!" It wasn't _entirely_ a lie.

"She's good at seeming nice. That's not the same as actually being nice, like your mom." Sayo opened the door to her room slowly and turned the light on. "My parents are both cold people at heart, I would say. I suppose that's where I get it from."

Lisa put her hands on Sayo's shoulders, making a displeased expression. Sayo refused to meet her eyes.

"You're not cold at all, Sayo. It's comfortable being around you. Relaxing. Warm."

Sayo heaved another unconvinced sigh and shook off Lisa's hands. "We should get ready for bed. I'll go bring out another futon."

"Hmm? What do we need that for?" Lisa asked, feigning ignorance.

Sayo groaned. "If we're seen sleeping in the same bed, it won't end well."

"We're close friends, right? And girls? I don't think there's any reason to suspect something out of the ordinary. It isn't like we'll be naked or anything."

"If… you say so, then I don't have a problem."

Internally, Lisa pumped her fist. She'd come way too far already to let someone else's words discourage her.

_Path that least rocks the boat, my ass._

The two of them crowded into Sayo's somewhat narrow bed, Sayo up against the wall and Lisa by the other edge of the bed.

"Hina and I used to do this kind of thing a lot. If I let her, she'd probably want to do it even now."

"She really loves you, as always, huh?"

"My parents are busy a lot, and they spend a lot of time on business trips like the one my father's on at the moment. So I think that contributed to how attached she is to me—there were a lot of times when she had no one else."

Lisa laughed softly. "That's a little lonely, but it's also a nice feeling, I think. You know what I mean? Like whatever happens, you know that the two of you will be by each other's sides through it. It's really… reassuring."

"I suppose that's one way to look at it. Though I don't know if I've ever really allowed myself to rely on Hina. On anyone."

"On me?"

"…You're different."

As her face heated up, Lisa was glad Sayo's room was dark. "I meant what I said the other day, you know. If there's anything you're in pain over, I want to split it between us. Your parents, school, whatever. I don't want to see you hurting."

"And you'll do the same?"

"Of course." As soon as those words left her mouth, Lisa felt guilty. By hiding the conversation she'd had with Sayo's mother earlier, she was already breaking their promise, she was pretty sure.

But she couldn't yet bring herself to say something that she knew would end up hurting Sayo, even if she knew it was the right thing to do. Sayo, no doubt, still had her secrets as well.

Maybe eventually, they'd be able to reveal them to each other. But for now, a deep, warm, and dreamless sleep with Sayo next to her would do just fine.

* * *

_It's nearly summer again. The two of them are walking along the river, the sun beating down on them in a not-unpleasant way. It's nice weather, but Sayo still wishes she'd rethought wearing leggings under her skirt._

_"Oh, flowers!" Lisa says, pointing in the direction of some purple blossoms by the roadside. "They're kind of pretty, don't you think?"_

_"…Aren't those weeds?"_

_"No! Well, maybe depending on your definition…" She drags Sayo over to the flowers, which look even less impressive up close._

_"They're definitely weeds. Look at all those thorns."_

_"They're thistles! I was talking to one of the second-years about flowers the other day, and she mentioned these. Are you into the language of flowers at all, Sayo?"_

_"It's not something I've really ever paid much attention to."_

_Lisa laughs. "I wouldn't really expect it from you. But I think it's kind of nice. Poetic, sort of."_

_"I can't imagine that these thistles mean anything good."_

_"Well, one of the meanings is 'don't touch me.' Probably because of how spiky they are. But there's also 'self-reliance' and 'strictness.' When I heard that, it sort of reminded me of a certain person… so I guess that's one of the reasons I'm fond of these flowers."_

_"I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment."_

_"It's a compliment! I promise."_

_Sayo stares at the flowers once more, still unable to see exactly what Lisa finds appealing about them._

_"Being prickly, rigid, and unwilling to rely on others… I don't really think any of those are good traits. Or parts of myself I like very much."_

_"I mean, I don't think that those are your only traits, or that you're like that all the time. But there's something about that combination that feels very_ Sayo _to me. Even if you think this flower's spiky and ugly, I still like it. Thorns and all."_

_Some sort of deep emotion starts to well up in Sayo's chest. Imai Lisa… really, really knows how to mess with Sayo's feelings, doesn't she._

_"I still, to be completely honest, don't think I like myself very much. It's hard for me to see what exactly other people might find appealing about Hikawa Sayo. But, well, if someone like you says she loves me, then… maybe there's something worth salvaging in here after all."_

_Lisa laughs again, in a way that gives the impression she's trying to choke back a sob. "I think we're pretty different people in a lot of respects, but sometimes we really think the same way, don't we, Sayo?"_

_"That… might be true," Sayo says hesitantly. Then, after a second, she takes a step away from the thistles, back in the direction they came from._

_"Did you want to go back?" Lisa asks, tilting her head to the side._

_"There's something about this current atmosphere that really makes me want to play guitar again."_

_"Even though it's so nice out, you'd rather coop up inside? You and music, I swear. I don't think I'll ever understand what's between you and that guitar."_

_"You don't have to come if you don't want to. I'd appreciate it if you did, though."_

_"Why's that?"_

_"The song I'm thinking of playing, well, it only works if there's two guitars."_

_The two of them stand there and stare out at the river for a moment. The sky is blue and cloudless, giving the impression that it extends out forever, that this moment extends out forever._

_The sight fills Sayo full with an indescribable anticipation. For what, she doesn't know yet._

_But surely, it'll be worth the wait._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're here, at the last chapter! this has been a fun ride even if i do think i need a break from writing fanfic. (i'll probably be back with more bandori stuff at some point.)
> 
> a lot of people have said they enjoyed this fic--thank you all very much! all of the kudos and comments made the experience of writing this a lot of fun. personally, i think there are a number of bits of this fic that are messy, particularly from a plot standpoint, but i did end up writing a number of scenes that i really did like. hopefully next time, i'll be able to write something i like even more than this!


End file.
